ex wife confusion and anger

[ErinG]

Hello all- I am new to this forum. My ex husband and father of my children was recently diagnosed with als. Our relationship deteriorated long ago and we cannot communicate at all. I am saddened by his illness but cannot express any of my feelings without a tirade of anger and resentment back at me, so I remain silent. I am further saddened by my ex-husband's treatment of our children. He is righfully angry and upset about his illness, but why take it out on the children and be mean to them? One of the kids looks a lot like me and my ex is particularly mean and abusive to her. I feel like he is using her to unleash his anger on and it seems so unfair. My heart aches. I often wonder why a person faced with a disease like would use the precious time they have left to effectively destroy relationships?

 

[Phil M]

ALS wreaks havoc on the emotions. Its actually a uncontrollable symptom for some. I didn't experience it myself, but I feel certain that he will ease up once he comes to terms with his diagnosis.

 

[indigosd]

ErinG, You do not say how old your children are or how long you have been divorced. Would you share that? My reply to you would depend on the ages of your children. Here to listen and offer you support.

 

[irismarie]

was going to ask the same thing, please

 

[ErinG]

Thank you all for the response. I feel like I am in such a strange place in my life. I have been divorced for 15 years, it was not a pleasant experience. We were married young and started a family sooner than most. My vision of what a marriage should be was not his. I so want to talk to him and tell him I remember the good times and am thankful for our children. It is not possible as we cannot speak to each other. The children are 24, 20 and 18. The oldest is a young woman with many of my attributes and mannerisms, her dad treats her with such disrespect I feel like it is just a projection of how he feels about me. It is so painful.

 

[Moonmark]

Hi Erin--

I don't normally post in this section, but I saw this and thought I would offer this suggestion: how about writing your ex a letter detailing all the great things you remember about the time you shared together and leaving out the bad memories and also thanking him for your wonderful kids-- isn't it great how even the most terrible unions can produce wonderful human beings? and then, at some point in the letter, try to gently and diplomatically address the problems with your daughter and how he may be taking out his anger on her. a letter will allow you to say the many things you'd like to say, without getting the two of you into an unnecessary fight. and the nice memories might be a balm that will help him digest the bad news: that he is acting inappropriately towards one of his children and hurting her. Perhaps in the letter you can remind him of their now limited time together and that he should want to leave her with the happiest memories of her father as he possibly can.

hope that helps--

Sandra

 

[ErinG]

Thank you Sandra
I have thought about this and have actually started to write a letter. I noticed that it began to be more of a mini book. Having someone else say it may be a good idea helps me and I will continue on with it. If it helps our daughter that would be a big plus. Perhaps it will help me to say good bye for me as well because we never really got the chance to. Thanks again and I think about people often who are going through this and how much other people (even strangers) can do so much to help.