tmasters
Senior member
- Joined
- Feb 19, 2008
- Messages
- 532
- Reason
- PALS
- Diagnosis
- 08/2008
- Country
- US
- State
- California
- City
- Anaheim
This is off-topic in the sense that it has little to do with my ALS, but nevertheless is very painful and I want to share it. My family has always been very supportive and that has played a big part in my attitude toward this disease. Many of you have shared my joy at some of my vacations, adventures, and at my two daughters’ weddings this year.
A couple months ago my wife Heidi of 30 years asked me for a “night out” once a week so she can go out with friends and clear her head and get away from negative thoughts. Of course I agreed and soon after her mood seemed to improve. Two weeks ago I looked at the phone bill and noticed many calls from her cell phone to one particular number that didn’t match anyone I knew. I called the number and was able to get a man’s name, the name of a “friend” that she had partially crossed the line with before 2 and a half years earlier. That night, Nov 17, I confronted her and she denied everything, just that he was a good friend who helped her with her depression, told her to be good to me, and kicked her butt when she had negative thoughts.
Stupid me, I believed her. The phone calls stopped. I checked the wireless account daily.
Friday the 27th I found a oddly-named file on the computer, opened it, and found a narrative description of this confrontation. She described in detail and with pride how deceptive she was. I could tell by the tone that it was written for him. Now I realize how stupid I was and was determined to get as much information as possible. So I then hacked into her email accounts and found explicit sex acts described and how she was looking forward to doing these things again and again. And how she would miss him over the long Thanksgiving weekend but that he would always be in her heart wherever she goes.
I confronted her Friday night with the printouts, there was no denial. I didn’t use anger or harsh tones, but I was very firm. I demanded she make a choice. If she chose him, or if she needed more time to decide, she could pack up and leave until she was ready. If she chose me, there are conditions: promise there will be no contact ever again in any form, in person, email, phone, etc. And she must give me her second phone. And she must forfeit her passwords to all her email accounts and to her phone. It took her a couple hours, but thankfully she chose me and met my conditions.
She denied having a second phone but I found it two days later. I knew it because the phone calls stopped showing up on the wireless account. I still cannot get her to tell me what on earth she needed to keep this phone for if she wasn’t going to contact him again.
I am so torn up about this I keep having these images in my head of all they were doing. Everytime I am reminded of a support group meeting or a hockey game on Monday night I have this image of what she was doing at that moment.
I still love her very much. She rejects going to marriage counseling. I can’t trust her with anything she says anymore. I had to physically watch her email the guy and end it. And just before that she hastily deleted an email.
So, the ALS part of this whole thing is that:
1. Being perfectly honest, I would give her more slack here, because I NEED her. I am not in the position to go out and court somebody else, or hire a full-time caregiver. I still love her and want to keep her anyway. But it’s worth consideration, and because of this I know I’m more prone to be tolerant.
2. I know that my condition will deteriorate. And I have read on this forum and others how the intimacy goes away when the caregiver and the spouse are the same person. If I can’t satisfy her now, what chance do I stand in the future?
3. I am concerned that she will keep him in her heart because she knows that I’ve got only a few years left and she would wait for him (me?) So maybe she will try to not forget him, just put him on the back burner. Then I don’t get 100%. I know that sounds selfish, but I’m just being honest.
I’m not expecting any answers here. Sometimes it just helps to rant. Anyone who knows how to get past this horror please let me know. Emotionally it rivals my diagnosis day.
-Tom
A couple months ago my wife Heidi of 30 years asked me for a “night out” once a week so she can go out with friends and clear her head and get away from negative thoughts. Of course I agreed and soon after her mood seemed to improve. Two weeks ago I looked at the phone bill and noticed many calls from her cell phone to one particular number that didn’t match anyone I knew. I called the number and was able to get a man’s name, the name of a “friend” that she had partially crossed the line with before 2 and a half years earlier. That night, Nov 17, I confronted her and she denied everything, just that he was a good friend who helped her with her depression, told her to be good to me, and kicked her butt when she had negative thoughts.
Stupid me, I believed her. The phone calls stopped. I checked the wireless account daily.
Friday the 27th I found a oddly-named file on the computer, opened it, and found a narrative description of this confrontation. She described in detail and with pride how deceptive she was. I could tell by the tone that it was written for him. Now I realize how stupid I was and was determined to get as much information as possible. So I then hacked into her email accounts and found explicit sex acts described and how she was looking forward to doing these things again and again. And how she would miss him over the long Thanksgiving weekend but that he would always be in her heart wherever she goes.
I confronted her Friday night with the printouts, there was no denial. I didn’t use anger or harsh tones, but I was very firm. I demanded she make a choice. If she chose him, or if she needed more time to decide, she could pack up and leave until she was ready. If she chose me, there are conditions: promise there will be no contact ever again in any form, in person, email, phone, etc. And she must give me her second phone. And she must forfeit her passwords to all her email accounts and to her phone. It took her a couple hours, but thankfully she chose me and met my conditions.
She denied having a second phone but I found it two days later. I knew it because the phone calls stopped showing up on the wireless account. I still cannot get her to tell me what on earth she needed to keep this phone for if she wasn’t going to contact him again.
I am so torn up about this I keep having these images in my head of all they were doing. Everytime I am reminded of a support group meeting or a hockey game on Monday night I have this image of what she was doing at that moment.
I still love her very much. She rejects going to marriage counseling. I can’t trust her with anything she says anymore. I had to physically watch her email the guy and end it. And just before that she hastily deleted an email.
So, the ALS part of this whole thing is that:
1. Being perfectly honest, I would give her more slack here, because I NEED her. I am not in the position to go out and court somebody else, or hire a full-time caregiver. I still love her and want to keep her anyway. But it’s worth consideration, and because of this I know I’m more prone to be tolerant.
2. I know that my condition will deteriorate. And I have read on this forum and others how the intimacy goes away when the caregiver and the spouse are the same person. If I can’t satisfy her now, what chance do I stand in the future?
3. I am concerned that she will keep him in her heart because she knows that I’ve got only a few years left and she would wait for him (me?) So maybe she will try to not forget him, just put him on the back burner. Then I don’t get 100%. I know that sounds selfish, but I’m just being honest.
I’m not expecting any answers here. Sometimes it just helps to rant. Anyone who knows how to get past this horror please let me know. Emotionally it rivals my diagnosis day.
-Tom
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Sounds like the MONKEYS need to make a trip to California :evil:
