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kedevlin23

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My Oasis
I'm not a primary caregiver, heck I'm just a daughter who lives 6+ hours from the situation and I'm hearing all kinds of stuff going on.

The bottom line - my Dad is having a terrible go of it. His diagnosis is only a few weeks old, even though he's been living with the symptoms for a year now. I think back to this time last year and he was helping us install the hardwood flooring in our dining room. He was having difficulty getting up from a kneeling position and moved slower and sometimes fell, but now he's wheelchair bound.

My Mother who is the primary care giver is not being treated well. There is a lot of anger going on and arguments and fights.

So, I had "the talk" - ironically I approached my Dad as he would have approached my brother or I on a difficult topic. I told him that we are all angry and hurting and that we can't understand what it's like, but we are all sad too. That we love him and that he should try to be better to Mom - that's where I left it. We talked about so many other things on the ALS front yesterday, I can't help but think that I contributed to his anger at this point, because last night he started tearing up paperwork when my Mom went to see what it was - it was his motorized wheelchair paperwork and they had a huge blow up.

I guess there is no clear anger to all this and everyone grieves in their own way. I'm more of a cut and dry rational person so for me I just think of it as wasting time and good moments with bad....I just can't help but wonder how long it's going to be this way....I mean there are good and bad times, but this has been a long stretch of bad times and I'm hoping it's short-lived and we just need to wait it out, that it's just the trauma of the diagnosis that is causing it all.....
 
It is likely a symptom called Emotional Lability. There is medication that can be prescribed that will take care of that. If he still continues with this behaviour after taking the medication then come back and we can talk some more. LOL.
 
You are all hurting so much and everbody shows it in different ways,as you all come to the reality of the diagnosed I hope you can all enjoy some happy moments. Peace be with you.
 
Sadly, I can relate to this.

My parents lived 3+ hours from me when Dad was first diagnosed, but recently moved 15 minutes away. However, regardless of where they've lived, Dad's anger has been an issue. He gets frustrated and lashes out at my mom simply because she's the easiest target. After all, she's not going anywhere. She doesn't always avoid fanning the flames, either, so it can get rather loud.

I've talked to Dad's doc about this and it's not clear if it's emotional lability or his way of "coping." Anger is a stage many people go through. Mom and I have our days, too. We're waiting it out right now to see if it's a passing phase or if he needs medication. There is a silver lining in that the outburst seems to be lessening. I hope the same for you!
 
kedevlin23

I am so sorry that your family is going through this. Lisa seems to be in a similar situation and offers some great input.

You have my support. Thinking of you.
Dana
 
I too hope this is just a stage he is going through and will come out the other side realizing He is going to have to face this and deal with it. Anger is not going to make it go away, but it may make those who could help turn away.
 
thanks everyone for your comments and advice. I appreciate it. I guess if this lingers then I'll let my mom know to ask about the depression meds. I guess I just wanted to hear if others had the same problems with their loved ones too.
 
I wouldn't hesitate with the depression meds. Glen takes Celexa. It's taken about 5 weeks for it to really kick in but we're seeing a major improvement in mood.
 
Coming from the position your mother is in right now I'll say this: Find some way of giving her a break. I'm the primary caregiver and up until last week the only caregiver for my wife. What she needs is some time, first to rant away about how difficult it is and then after she's spent, a little time to just relax and be allowed to forget about the whole damn situation for a while. Believe it or not, fanning the flames frequently is just the ticket. In this situation she's undoubtedly feeling overwhelmed and yelling, fighting and blowing off steam is the only way she's getting any relief. Part of me always feels bad about doing it but another part of me actually feels better. Fortunately, after all the crying and unpleasantness, my wife actually seems to understand and I'm able to go a few more days just doing what needs to be done. I wouldn't wish this disease on my worst enemy, but if I really hated someone I might wish that they had to be the caregiver for someone that had it.
 
Thank Heaven for the caregivers we would be lost without you.Peace be with you.
 
I'm new to the group. My father was diagnosed on Feb 11 2009, at age 72, 1 day before my parents 48th wedding anniversary. I live close, 15 minutes away, with my husband and 3 sons. My dad has been stoic and calm, not especially angry. My mom is caregiver and she and I have struggled to get along for 2 decades. This is making it much harder. I guess I am the one with anger issues, but i feel provoked at times. I am sorry that your dad is angry. I do believe in miracles, perhaps not that my dad will be healed, but that somehow we are all going to be better humans, that relationships will be bettered, with time...
Dad's case is unrelentingly swift, he lost both arms quickly, now nearly WC bound with leg weakness. Using BiPap at night but needs in day, too.
Mom won't take help, makes everything hard, thinks she is the only one who can do things for dad. Pulled her back trying to do it all.
We have started arranging help, people she can call, but she talks about the cost of everything. I told her I was just going to schedule the helpers to come whether she consents or not. We'll see...
I regret not knowing my father better, as a person, and wonder if I'll get the chance to be close to both of them, before the end.
 
amathias,

Some of what you said sounds familiar to me. My dad and I have a good relationship, so it's easy for me to help him as he progresses in his illness. Frankly, it's a pleasure for me to help him. I'm happy to spend the time making him more comfortable and finding ways to make him smile. Mom and I, however, have always had a contentious relationship, so it's tough for me to work along side her as we help Dad. Mom says a lot of negative things in front of my dad which makes me bit crazy. She's very pessimistic and fails to see the good in the situation. Dad is still with us. Bottom line.

My parents argue a lot, but I think they're struggling to find ways to deal with the diagnosis. I have days when I'm angry about it, but I spend my time venting here instead. :)

This has been a great place for me to visit. Welcome to the forum!
 
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