hopealive
Active member
- Joined
- Sep 22, 2006
- Messages
- 93
- Reason
- Lost a loved one
- Country
- US
- State
- OR
- City
- Albany
Hello to my CAL friends.
I am up late, was awoken again by a horrible nightmare. I wasn't sure if I should even share this but, was hoping that someone might have some words of encouragement that this too shall pass.
My mother passed away February 28,2009 she has bulbar onset ALS for a little over 3 years. She was doing really, really well up until about November of 08' things seemed to decline rapidly from there. In her final weeks she was having what she called " panic attacks" or anxiety, having trouble catching her breath. My mother was not an anxious person so I knew, this was all part of the respiratory failure. So, hospice was called and we began the regimen of giving her morphine to help with those episodes. Such a sick feeling I have right now, I am so glad that morphine took away that sensation but, really she was just unable to breathe. Watching her go through this was horrendous. Mom never complained but at times just a single tear would trickle down her cheeck, she was scared and struggling. Just a trip to the bathroom would leave her panting.
Mom had a rough night her last night on this earth. Our caregiver was up with her most of the evening, having several breathless episodes and giving more and more morphine. This was the very first time mom wasn't able to walk to the bathroom, she had to be carried by my father and our caregiver. Mom finally settled in to sleep around 5am with her bi-pap on, and about 10am our caregiver who was sleeping at the foot of mom's bed was awoken by the machine making the strange noise it makes when a breath is not being taken.
As far as everything we know about morphine, respiratory failure, CO2 levels there really is no reason to believe that mom had any struggle right there at the end. I however cannot stop thinking and dreaming that there was a struggle and our caregiver just didn't hear it.
I have had so many horrible dreams that she is in pain, agony, cannot move or speak to let us know. I have dreams of giving her shots to make the pain stop, to make the struggle end. I have dreams of her just crying out over and over.
It is strange in the first weeks after she passed, I actually felt a sense of joy, for her that the struggle was over. Now, I just cannot stop re-living those last weeks, I just am not able to see how witnessing that isn't going to haunt me forever.
I am feeling angrier now than I ever was during the whole illness. Why did she have to suffer? Why am I feeling so helpless now? Why now that the battle is over?
Thank you for your support.
Love,
Holly
Daughter of PAL. passed 2/28/09
I am up late, was awoken again by a horrible nightmare. I wasn't sure if I should even share this but, was hoping that someone might have some words of encouragement that this too shall pass.
My mother passed away February 28,2009 she has bulbar onset ALS for a little over 3 years. She was doing really, really well up until about November of 08' things seemed to decline rapidly from there. In her final weeks she was having what she called " panic attacks" or anxiety, having trouble catching her breath. My mother was not an anxious person so I knew, this was all part of the respiratory failure. So, hospice was called and we began the regimen of giving her morphine to help with those episodes. Such a sick feeling I have right now, I am so glad that morphine took away that sensation but, really she was just unable to breathe. Watching her go through this was horrendous. Mom never complained but at times just a single tear would trickle down her cheeck, she was scared and struggling. Just a trip to the bathroom would leave her panting.
Mom had a rough night her last night on this earth. Our caregiver was up with her most of the evening, having several breathless episodes and giving more and more morphine. This was the very first time mom wasn't able to walk to the bathroom, she had to be carried by my father and our caregiver. Mom finally settled in to sleep around 5am with her bi-pap on, and about 10am our caregiver who was sleeping at the foot of mom's bed was awoken by the machine making the strange noise it makes when a breath is not being taken.
As far as everything we know about morphine, respiratory failure, CO2 levels there really is no reason to believe that mom had any struggle right there at the end. I however cannot stop thinking and dreaming that there was a struggle and our caregiver just didn't hear it.
I have had so many horrible dreams that she is in pain, agony, cannot move or speak to let us know. I have dreams of giving her shots to make the pain stop, to make the struggle end. I have dreams of her just crying out over and over.
It is strange in the first weeks after she passed, I actually felt a sense of joy, for her that the struggle was over. Now, I just cannot stop re-living those last weeks, I just am not able to see how witnessing that isn't going to haunt me forever.
I am feeling angrier now than I ever was during the whole illness. Why did she have to suffer? Why am I feeling so helpless now? Why now that the battle is over?
Thank you for your support.
Love,
Holly
Daughter of PAL. passed 2/28/09