Old 09-09-2018, 01:49 PM #1 (permalink)
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Default I think I'm finally giving up

7 1/2 years its been now. from a slight tingle in her left foot to total paralysis took roughly 2 years. very slow decline since then, really where do you decline to? her breathing is compromised, but O2 levels stay up with nightly use of the bi-pap.

If it was just us, I'd probably suck it up and see the whole thing through, but she's 44, I'm 48 and the kids are 14, and 7. I'm done being only half a father to them, I'm done missing games because someone needs to be with mom, I'm done trying to make a living working 20-25 hrs a week around the hired girl and the hospice schedule.

Tomorrow I take the first steps toward finding her a care facility nearby. All I ever wanted was to keep her comfortable and let her die in her own bed, in her own home, but I don't have it in me anymore. The bedsores have won, my depression has won, my exhaustion, her crying, 2 hours of ritual at bedtime, constant pity looks... They all won, and I failed. I wish I could at least ****ing cry about it, but I don't even have that anymore. I'm just done.
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Old 09-09-2018, 02:18 PM #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I'm finally giving up

I can't imagine it, especially with children.

I can only suggest you try to turn this into a positive - reclaiming life/relationships for everyone. Can you suggest that it needs to become her job to work with carers in a facility for her daily care, so she can have you and the kids with her for quality times.
Then the same for you - create a life of quality for you, the kids and your wife.

You have not failed - do you realise how many people will do her daily care in a facility? How can one person do this, even with a little help coming in, and sustain this? It would not be allowed in the workplace, boundaries would be put in place, limits would be set.

I'm just so sorry it has worn you down to this point for you to make this decision and then feel guilty. You all deserve quality of life, you didn't fail because you are not some miracle worker.
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Old 09-09-2018, 02:26 PM #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I'm finally giving up

This is not failure, this is being strong enough to make a tough choice in the best interest of everyone involved. May you find peace.
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Old 09-09-2018, 04:38 PM #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I'm finally giving up

No one wins, loses or fails here, Iowa, and what she is to you and the kids, isn't about where she sleeps. When you arrive at a fork in the road that you know you need to take for your family, that's what you do.

I would only ask about her own wishes, as there is another possible fork in the road.

Best,
Laurie
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Old 09-09-2018, 04:56 PM #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I'm finally giving up

Many hugs to you. These decisions are never, ever easy. You are showing great strength and courage. I would ask you to take that strength and if you are not on any meds to help you, please see your Dr about that. They can make a huge difference. You will need the extra help once the change happens.

You did not fail, not even a little bit. Be kind to yourself.

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Old 09-09-2018, 09:24 PM #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I think I'm finally giving up

Thank you for bringing up this topic. Don’t consider it a failure!

I just called the fire department for the umpteenth time to pick him up off the floor and feel like I’m losing the battle to take good care of my PALS too. He also has FTD, so we got a double whammy.

You do what you need to do for your health and well being and those of your children. I know how easy it is to feel insanely guilty!

You have to do whatever is best for you and your kids.
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