- Joined
- May 9, 2016
- Messages
- 1,529
- Reason
- Lost a loved one
- Diagnosis
- 06/2016
- Country
- US
- State
- MN
- City
- Minneapolis
Yet, what choice do I actually have.
Brian was diagnosed 6 months ago. He has a weaker left hand and has progressed to using a cane, mostly to to strength and balance issues with his left leg.
Lately, I just can't stand it. I wound up crying in my bosses office just mentioning that my husband has a a terminal illness. I am developing odd wandering anxieties, including wondering what would happen if I were dying now or died now or even just got incapacitated in any way and couldn't help him. What would happen to our animals, I wonder? I need to make backup plans for them for if something happened to me too. What if my work gets sick of me? I am not who I was before this happened? MY mind just goes on sometimes.
I don't see my friends much because I hate to miss any time with him. I get irritable with him on occasion when I should not, particularly now. I feel like I was doing really well for a while and now I am doing poorly, not coping well, not keeping a positive attitude.
I am so MAD. I mean, here we were living this great life and then THIS? Yet I know, people have bigger hits, greater loses, we are not the only ones. I just can't get past the anger sometimes.
Christmas sucked. I got sick. I was glad to spend time along with Brian, that was nice. I had to postpone dinner though with my mom over because I could not make it or eat it. We did it today. I wondered if this was the last one.
I wish he would stop bringing up the end. I am tired of that conversation. I understand, I get it, this is progressive and terminal and he knows what he wants to do and at roughly what point. I respect it. I just wish we did not discuss it at least once a week. Yet who am I to tell him to stop discussing it? I hate how we end up in that conversation Every Time at clinic, but at least clinic is not for three months again.
They mentioned a DNR/DNI at clinic last week. I hated that they did that when he is doing reasonably well. I know they "wanted us to know it's an option" but WOW we are not there yet.
I know the things that I need to do. Calm estate planning for MY will, not just his. Calming down in general. Blah, blah, blah. Yet in all these "needs to do" that I so well understand, what I can't seem to do is make peace with this. I hurt, hurt, hurt. Lately I hurt so bad I had a moment waking up that I wished I could just sleep another 8 hours because sometimes being awake hurts.
I am venting, I know that the only answer is getting a grip. I just need to find the handle.
Brian was diagnosed 6 months ago. He has a weaker left hand and has progressed to using a cane, mostly to to strength and balance issues with his left leg.
Lately, I just can't stand it. I wound up crying in my bosses office just mentioning that my husband has a a terminal illness. I am developing odd wandering anxieties, including wondering what would happen if I were dying now or died now or even just got incapacitated in any way and couldn't help him. What would happen to our animals, I wonder? I need to make backup plans for them for if something happened to me too. What if my work gets sick of me? I am not who I was before this happened? MY mind just goes on sometimes.
I don't see my friends much because I hate to miss any time with him. I get irritable with him on occasion when I should not, particularly now. I feel like I was doing really well for a while and now I am doing poorly, not coping well, not keeping a positive attitude.
I am so MAD. I mean, here we were living this great life and then THIS? Yet I know, people have bigger hits, greater loses, we are not the only ones. I just can't get past the anger sometimes.
Christmas sucked. I got sick. I was glad to spend time along with Brian, that was nice. I had to postpone dinner though with my mom over because I could not make it or eat it. We did it today. I wondered if this was the last one.
I wish he would stop bringing up the end. I am tired of that conversation. I understand, I get it, this is progressive and terminal and he knows what he wants to do and at roughly what point. I respect it. I just wish we did not discuss it at least once a week. Yet who am I to tell him to stop discussing it? I hate how we end up in that conversation Every Time at clinic, but at least clinic is not for three months again.
They mentioned a DNR/DNI at clinic last week. I hated that they did that when he is doing reasonably well. I know they "wanted us to know it's an option" but WOW we are not there yet.
I know the things that I need to do. Calm estate planning for MY will, not just his. Calming down in general. Blah, blah, blah. Yet in all these "needs to do" that I so well understand, what I can't seem to do is make peace with this. I hurt, hurt, hurt. Lately I hurt so bad I had a moment waking up that I wished I could just sleep another 8 hours because sometimes being awake hurts.
I am venting, I know that the only answer is getting a grip. I just need to find the handle.