Having a hard night tonight

[JennyC]

It's almost Christmas, I went down to moms as I usually do and once I got her fed and set with her eye gaze machine , I went into her room and got started wrapping the presents that she bought for people.

It took me so long and there were many tears, watching my hands as I wrapped what would be her last Christmas present to everyone, crying and missing my Gram as I curled the ribbons, something I thought she was magical for being able to do lol and she of course showed me how when I was little. Thinking of my cousins and how hard it must be losing their dad, my Uncle, last week, just before Christmas.

People keep telling me 2017 is going to be better...and I want to smack them...no it won't, my mom is going to die in 2017, I will bury my mother and all of this firsts I'm doing now without my Gram I will be doing again but without my mom.

Its one of those nights where the pain is just so sharp and so deep and I feel like I can't breathe.

This Christmas is the first without my Gram, the first without Uncle Joe and the last with my mother. I got the tree up and the house decorated for my daughter but it was so hard...

Ugh, now I sound like a whiny *****....

 

[soonerwife]

You don't sound whiny at all.

This time of year is really hard... We have already had to accept so many losses. You way more than your share. Sometimes it's just hard to not be sad. I have been having those days alot lately.

I wish I had better words but all I have is a big hug!

 

[WendyWooG]

Huge Hugs Jenny

Wendy xx

 

[Vincent]

The holidays can be hard. Just keep in mind you will at some point over Christmas be gathered with your people and strengthened by the fact you are surrounded by love. There may be tears and that's OK. But there will be joy and laughter too. If it is her last Christmas, make it one for the ages!

 

[pittsburghgal]

Jenny, I really understand how you feel. I lost both of my parents this year and am so saddened to see my husband's condition deteriorating. This year I did not have any desire to celebrate Christmas at all. I put up a Christmas tree for my PALS to enjoy but it was very hard for me to even do just that.

I pray that you and I, and all the other CALS and PALS, have a bit of peace and and joy this Christmas season.

Sending hugs to you.

Sharon

 

[scaredwifetx]

Jenny, you are not whining! I understand completely. My first Christmas without my mom. She so loved Christmas. We had to make a tough decision this year. Steve stayed home with Mike while I am down in Houston with my kids and grandkids. To worried he would pick uo one of their colds and it woukd be to much for him. We will Skype him in for present opening. Christmas day I will be driving by myself back home. Trying to make the best of it but its hard.

Try to find some new memories with your daughter. Hugs Jenny!

 

[JimInVA]

Jenny... you ARE the "Cat's Meow"! If you've never spent time with a cat, you may not get this. A cat's meow can say anything and everything. And what you can always be assured of is that the cat's meow is "real". It calls it like it is... voices what it is... and never lies at the reality that is. I look forward to your posts for the bare honesty that you present. You share joy... you share despair... and you share anything in between with an honesty that is fresh and lovable. I hope you can feel the so many times that I've hugged you, mentally, after reading some post of yours. I believe this may be my beloved Darcey's last Christmas... but I can only smile. You see, I thought last Christmas was the last one... yet here we are a whole year later. I'm elated, joyous and happy. I've learned that it is not what time is left... but what time is still here. And I've learned that today is the very best day there is... unless tomorrow arrives to make it better. But for today, I will love and be grateful for the day I can touch.

Jenny... you have a good spirit. Be well, enjoy the day and know you have earned the respect of those you've never met.

My very best!

Jim

 

[4tloml]

The people and things we love the most bring the deepest grief. Your post really speaks to that, Jenny--the single coin with the flip side--joy and despair. Hope this holiday, the coin spends time with it's "joy" side shining up. Even when we know what the turning will bring, or maybe because we know, those moments of joy are so much more precious. Wishing you lots of those moments as you gather with loved ones. Wishing them for all of us.

 

[Aussiemndcarer]

Jenny, hugs to you . You have some wonderful friends on this forum . Their words mean a million to many who read them. Thanks for evoking such love through your posts. I often can't put the words to screen that I feel,but you can. Your honesty about your emotions is most welcome. We made it through to this Christmas. I thought last Christmas would be our last together,but here we are. I'm sitting by my Pals watching him sleep at last after a restless evening. " the world keeps turning!" ������

 

[Narrowminded]

Jenny - I am so very sorryI missed this before Christams. I pray you had as wonderful day as possible. Holidays are alway tough. Know that my love and support is with you.

Hugs,

Sue

 

[Erika]

Jenny,
Your mom and you have come to mind often these past days. It's been a while since we heard from you and i just felt like I had to check in. I hope you're all doing well. Not sure if I can message you so I wrote here.
-Erika

 

[soonerwife]

I have been thinking about them as well... Thanks for reaching out Erika.

 

[scaredwifetx]

Yes Jenny...I have also wondered about you and your mother. You are loved and in our thoughts.

 

[lgelb]

Erika, you should be able to PM. Click on the person's username on one of their posts and you will see that option.

 

[affected]

I will pile on and let you know you are missed and being held up in our thoughts Jen