peacecomesfromwithin
Active member
- Joined
- Jan 31, 2016
- Messages
- 35
- Reason
- Lost a loved one
- Diagnosis
- 01/2016
- Country
- US
- State
- DC
- City
- Washington
My mom went in to get her PEG today. She didn't really want it, but she said okay. I'm not really sure why.
Actually, I know why. After being in denial for so long, she now will do mostly everything I suggest. It's a terrifying responsibility.
I wanted her to get it because I am not ready for her to die, for her to starve to death slowly while I try and coax food down her throat morning, noon, and night. I want her to be hydrated. I want her to have the most energy that she can, while she can.
And yet - seeing her in tremendous pain at the hospital while the nurses run around like chickens with their heads cut off, trying to reach the neurological resident to see what painkillers are okay for ALS patients who can't swallow pills... seeing her dry heave with the nausea from the pain... seeing her white as a sheet, choking on mucus worse than usual... having to leave her alone to stay overnight in the hospital while I head home to take care of the dogs (who pooped all over the house, by the way)...I can't help but feel like I did this to her for my own peace of mind. Because I can't watch her starve, because I think her life could be a little better with adequate nutrition.
I can't bear to watch her suffer acutely, although she's suffering chronically, constantly. There is no right answer.
Actually, I know why. After being in denial for so long, she now will do mostly everything I suggest. It's a terrifying responsibility.
I wanted her to get it because I am not ready for her to die, for her to starve to death slowly while I try and coax food down her throat morning, noon, and night. I want her to be hydrated. I want her to have the most energy that she can, while she can.
And yet - seeing her in tremendous pain at the hospital while the nurses run around like chickens with their heads cut off, trying to reach the neurological resident to see what painkillers are okay for ALS patients who can't swallow pills... seeing her dry heave with the nausea from the pain... seeing her white as a sheet, choking on mucus worse than usual... having to leave her alone to stay overnight in the hospital while I head home to take care of the dogs (who pooped all over the house, by the way)...I can't help but feel like I did this to her for my own peace of mind. Because I can't watch her starve, because I think her life could be a little better with adequate nutrition.
I can't bear to watch her suffer acutely, although she's suffering chronically, constantly. There is no right answer.