Resentful (LONG)

[JennyC]

I am getting so angry and resentful. I am mad that I do work while my brother gets to have nice visits with my mom. Mom won't let my brother or uncle help her with dressing, bathing or toileting....okay I get that but she won't let my aunt who lives 2 minutes away help her either, she will only let my other aunt that she lives with help but she is on the road for work 4 days out of the week.

I drive 45 miles each way to spend at least two days with my mom so my uncle can have a break, i help her bathe, toilet, ambulate when needed, dress, take her to appointments and cook dinner. I witness the struggles she has, the frustration, the crying and screaming jags, the falling...I get snapped at constantly. But my brother...the prince of the friggin family who lives 5 minutes from her gets to stop by now and then and have nice little visits that consist of them sitting in the living room or watching TV. If my aunt happens to be home he even gets to have a meal that he didn't have to make and RELAX. When I text him about mom or like tonight he stopped by to see her and I am home so I text him to ask how she was tonight he doesn't text me back, claims he doesn't have time to text.

I end up in sent to the ER from my doctors office because my resting pulse was 147 and they can't get a blood pressure in my left arm...why? Because I'm freaking exhausted!! He knows I ended up in the ER and he hasn't even bothered to ask me how I am, that was days ago. He could be at my moms house when my aunt goes, helping her to get things cleared out but no one asks him to do a damned thing and my mother wouldn't think of it after all he has a full time job.

Well guess what, I don't have a full time job, why? Because my doctor pulled me out of it and I am freaking disabled.

On top of it I am now not allowed to talk to anyone apparently. My gram had me take her to the furniture store so she could buy my mom another power lift recliner so that my mom could have one for the living room and one for the bedroom when she wanted alone time. Well I told my Gram that they had decided it was too big and didn't leave mom enough room to move around so they were going to swap the chairs because the living room one is smaller...Well apparently my mom and aunt are upset with me for telling her that I was told not to say anything to anyone about anything that happens in the house.

I am honestly thinking of just having nothing to do with my brother anymore, he is 27, has no kids, no pets, just him and his fiance (who is wearing a diamond ring that I gave to him so he could propose while my mom was still alive) and they both work. She has 3 days off a week and he has two, they live 5 minutes from my mom and they aren't doing anything to help other than when he helped move furniture but that was only because some of the furniture was going to his house.

I don't know what to do, I am getting to the point I'm ready to start fights with random strangers. I do see a therapist and yes I am on meds and they have been adjusted....

Pretty sure my mom is not talking to me, she isn't responding to anything. I know she is mad because my daughter asked if my mom was going to die from this and I told her yes. My mom didn't want her to know from the get go but I told her that if my daughter outright asked I would not lie to her....oh well, that will make going down this week interesting....

Sorry for going off but I really needed it

 

[lgelb]

Any time, Jenny, but I would try to rewrite the future since it doesn't look good.

My suggestion is, next time your bro shows up, sit him down and read him passages that you wrote here. He's obviously clueless. At least if he rejects helping, he can be informed about your struggles. Call him out.

Then sit down your mom w/ the nearby aunt and read her some, too. Tell her you can't help out at all without this aunt (who should also support this convo).

Don't play any dramatic roles -- just keep it real.

The thing about resentment is it can make you passive-aggressive, which won't help anyone.

Best,
Laurie

 

[JennyC]

My brother knows, I've told him all of this. He and I are ten years apart, he is the younger one and we have different fathers and were brought up very differently. He was never made to do anything and when his parents divorced my mom spoiled him rotten to sort of figuratively give the finger to his dad.

As for my nearby aunt, she would love to help but my mom and the aunt she lives with won't let her, my aunt that lives with mom and the other aunt aren't speaking thanks to a feud a month or so back.

 

[affected]

The family dynamics can be really tough. I do hear you!

Is your therapist helping you really work through your feelings as you try to deal with this? At the end of the day the only thing you can control is how you deal with it all as you obviously can't control these other people.

My Chris's kids pretty much stayed away, particularly when it came to 'helping'. He would become furious with me if I wanted help from them, feeling I should not be putting them out.

I will never forget waking up on the morning of my birthday to find he had written on facebook that it was only his children that kept him fighting and how much he loved them. It was really hard work not to take that into myself and let it pull me down. Like really hard work.

So even though my situation was different, those feelings were the same.

Trying to talk to his children about 'reality' was seen as me being 'negative'.
It was easy for them to stay away, and then just visit occasionally, expect me to wait on them and smile and swan about for an hour then disappear for another month or two.

I couldn't control them and how they were going to be. So I had to just concentrate on looking after my Chris. I don't know if you are aware that he also had behavioural variant FTD so he was paranoid, angry and had very poor judgement.

We can't fix things for you, but you can vent it out here and be understood. I needed to vent a lot back then, it allowed me to let off the pressure enough to continue just loving him and caring for him regardless of all the crap flying. Hugs

 

[KimT]

I'm sorry you are going through all this drama. I wish everyone would just set their egos and selfishness aside and do what is best for your mom. Stress, anger, and fear all compete for time in one's mind with this terrible disease.

I've had to come to terms that those who were close to me when I was well have pulled away. I can't control their actions. The only control I have is my attitude toward their actions.

It sounds like your mom could have a wonderful support team if everyone got together and made a commitment to her. I wish that for her and for you.

 

[gooseberry]

Kim makes a great point and a way to have the conversation. For example, get everyone together and just say that everyone wants what is best for mom, right? How can we make that happen? Schedule shifts, provide what you can....perhaps you can cook extra meals to freeze when you are there. Maybe your brother could do groceries, the aunts could each get a job..try to have a list of tasks to be done to get thru a week and then when you sit down with everyone, you have a starting point.

Emotion will not help..

 

[JennyC]

Unfortunately that won't work. My family is so freaking difficult. We wouldn't even be able to get my aunts in the same room together. My mom and the sister she lives with are peas in a pod to the point they exclude everyone else and don't care if they hurt their feelings or not. My mom refuses to let anyone else help but the people who are helping now....its a clusterf&*#k, completely and total. Its ridiculous. I am not even "allowed" to talk to my gram or my other aunt about my moms condition or anything that happens in the house.....everything is a big secret, control and bs.

 

[lgelb]

Jenny, you're saying it yourself--- if you don't hang together, you're going to hang separately. I certainly wouldn't enable drama and secrecy. Tell everyone the same thing and let the chips fall. How much worse could it get? And ultimately your mom is the loser.

What about calling this meeting of the minds under the auspices/in the office of your counselor?

 

[scaredwifetx]

Jenny, I know how difficult families can be. I have dealt with this in my own family with my mothers mental illness and eventually her Cancer. I am always the one who had to step up. My sister is one year younger and couldn't even take care of her own self. This left me exhausted and angry. My sister was out of my life for over 25 years because of her husband and my mother.

I am not hijacking your thread and my point to all of this is that you cannot control your family. The only one you can control is yourself.
The time with your mother is limited and this to shall pass. You might not be able to see the end of the road now and it might seem like to much. I think you are a very strong lady and a survivor. I also know in my heart that your mother trusts you more than anyone else in her lie and although she may not be able to let you know that now... I am sure that is how she feels.

Your mother needs you but you also have to take care of yourself. That's so hard right now. I understand that. Can you call the local ALS Association and have someone come out to talk to you? They may have some resources to help. Most importantly, do not let anger overcome you. You will one day look back at this time and know you did your very best with your mother and it will help you when this all passes.
My mother died in Feb and I am just now understanding that my family wasn't there for her but I was and in the end what really matters is the person I have become and know I did what I could do for my mother. At times, I didn't feel loved by her in my life but its all about who I am in my heart and I think you will come out the other side of this and will share precious moments with your mom.

You are in my prayers Jenny.

 

[Jhill]

So sorry that you have this added stress to your life right now.
Hugs to you!
Joan

 

[JennyC]

Jenny, you're saying it yourself--- if you don't hang together, you're going to hang separately. I certainly wouldn't enable drama and secrecy. Tell everyone the same thing and let the chips fall. How much worse could it get? And ultimately your mom is the loser.

What about calling this meeting of the minds under the auspices/in the office of your counselor?

I live about 45 minutes from the rest of the family so my counselor isn't close to them . My one aunt would be more than happy to get together but the one that lives with my mom would not and my mom would be on her side. My family can be toxic, when they fight they don't fight to resolve things they fight to hurt each other and be right

 

[gooseberry]

Th0en you have to make your peace with all of it and do what you can for your mom. Bitterness, regret, and hard feelings wont help you. Do what is best for you and when able your mom.

 

[JennyC]

Th0en you have to make your peace with all of it and do what you can for your mom. Bitterness, regret, and hard feelings wont help you. Do what is best for you and when able your mom.

You are absolutely right, I just have to figure out how to do that.