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wendybridges

Member
Joined
Jul 31, 2016
Messages
11
Reason
CALS
Diagnosis
08/2011
Country
Uni
State
Colorado
City
Boulder
To the website, not the disease, but I understand it's in somewhat bad taste to post new stuff (especially long stuff, and this is long). However, I thought this might help some people.

Some background: my PALS was diagnosed August 2011. At the time I was 5 years free from anti-depressants, anti-anxieties, and therapy. I received my first diagnosis as Clinically/Severely Depressed in 1996. I had my first diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder in 2004 (it was so severe I had to take a semester off college). The very last psychiatrist I ever saw told me plainly that my brain chemistry has been so drastically altered that I would never be able to go off meds again, and that I would inevitably experience several more episodes of severe depression throughout my life.

And I said: "Ffffffffuhhhhh that!"

I did go back on meds briefly when I was transitioning into 24/7 caregiving, but other than that, I've been drug-free since 2007. Here's an email I sent to my sister, who was also dealing with depression at the time:

"Sorry, I forgot I was meaning to write a little bit about my experience with depression the past few years. So, yep, it's been 11 years (11? 10? Whatever) since my last major depressive episode. Like I told you, I went through a rough patch transitioning to full-time caregiving and as always, I let it go way too long before seeking help, but once I did, I was fine after a couple months of Zoloft and I've told Jason to keep an eye on me for early warning signs.

So, the easy answer is always Sunshine and Exercise. But whatever, we all know that and ignore it - and it sounds like you get plenty of both anyway. For me, what works is really state of mind and retraining certain mental behaviors and patterns. So let me start with state of mind: I am all about positivity, to the point of being annoying. And this is really where living with ALS has been a life-changing experience in a positive way. Any day that Jason doesn't die is a win. Any day that Jason doesn't die and our lives are actually improving is a double-win. Any day Jason doesn't die, our lives are improving, I got the cat purring next to me and Jason is smiling while we watch a good movie is a double-triple plus good win.

It's all about finding those little moments of mundane happiness and celebrating them, as opposed to bemoaning the moments you feel [sucky]. Like, [the BFF] will only call me when she has a problem that she needs help with, or an impromptu therapy session between friends. I definitely do that too, but I'm also super annoying about emailing her when I have a moment where I realize that I'm happy. I actually just did that this morning and I only did it because I wanted that reminder that at least for that one moment, I was completely happy. And yeah, I have issues just like everybody else, more than some, less than others, but it's all about recognizing that moment, totally just being in the present, not worrying about the past or the future, that yeah. Everything's good. And I'm thankful for it.

Secondly, the retraining of bad behaviors. This is trickier, and God knows I'm not perfect about negative or self-destructive patterns. But you know those days when you're just totally down and you don't want to do anything but hide under your covers and feel bad for yourself? That's when I know I need to get out of the house, go order a cup of coffee, slap a totally insincere smile on my face and force myself to make polite conversation with the barista. Fake it til you make it, you know? Pretend that everything is fine long enough and it becomes the truth. Recognize what you're doing and if you KNOW that doing this thing is going to make you feel [sucky] later, then don't do that thing.

As an example, I KNOW that if I stay inside and feel bad for myself for a whole day, then the next day won't be any better. That's me, I don't know what your stuff is. Jason helps with this, too. He can see when I'm kinda starting to go to a bad place and he knows how to change that energy into something positive. The point of this is kinda consciously retraining your neural pathways so that you're basically rewiring your brain to not go to depression right away.

I've also gotten really into the world of comedy, because comedians are pretty well known to be super messed-up human beings who have managed to channel their issues into laughter. I'm reading Judd Apatow's book Sick in the Head, which is all interviews he's done with other comedians and seriously, it's like therapy on the page, because so many of them deal with similar issues and have gone on to huge success because they've learned to turn the tragic into the funny. It helps to know that so many people have dealt with depression and anxiety that and everyone is so open talking about it now.

Okay, I'm done rambling, sorry for the long email, but I thought it might help. I'm also not even gonna proofread this, because I have other stuff I gotta get to today. I hope you're having a less-than-[sucky] day! If not, I hope it gets better once you get home! Eat delicious food, kiss your husband, and cuddle your pets!"
 
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Philosophically, it's Plato's twin horses, right? Or was it Aristotle? That old Greek parable anyway, where we all have a black horse and a white horse in our heads, Good and Evil, Gluttony and Abstinence, Negativity and Posi- wait, was that the chick from Coupling and that other chick from Episodes and Black Books? I gotta go, literally no one, I think I missed something cool.
 
Wendy - thanks for sharing. How you feel definitely has a lot to do with how you frame your brain.

Have an awesome day!

Sue
 
Welcome Wendy, I hope you will find a lot of support here, and I'm sure you will have plenty to offer back as well.

Would you mind putting the diagnosis date in your profile? I find it really hard to keep up with details, so it really helps to see those few stats beside each post.

Thanks for introducing yourself!
 
Glad you here Wendy! I like your strategies. I will try to remember to get out of the house into the sunshine when I am feeling down. Thanks for the tips!
 
Welcome Wendy, I hope you will find a lot of support here, and I'm sure you will have plenty to offer back as well.

Would you mind putting the diagnosis date in your profile? I find it really hard to keep up with details, so it really helps to see those few stats beside each post.

Thanks for introducing yourself!

Done! Thanks, Tillie and all you other awesome CALS out there!
 
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