Old 07-20-2016, 01:57 PM #1 (permalink)
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Default Sex???

Ok so my pals (my husband) knows my feelings about how I refuse to have sex or be Intimate with him. He knows my caregiver to him he is my patient. I will snuggle or lay with him but nothing further. I just can't. And seriously it don't work. Not to be gross but it gets up but he can never finish. He can't touch me nothing. He is basically paralyzed. He is severely depressed over this. He knows where I stand on this issue. But he wants me to let him Find it elsewhere? But How? He basically asked if he can cheat? I'm unsure of this and honestly if I'm not giving it to him then I don't mind. How does he think he can find someone to come over to a disabled person? No I'm not setting anything up. I said ask your brother to figure it out. He cant call anyone, type, or use computer either. So how does he think he's gonna get someone and where it's legal? Any suggestions
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Old 07-20-2016, 02:28 PM #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex???

Could you send him to Israel to join BetsyB? ;^)
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Old 07-20-2016, 04:21 PM #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex???

I suggest that you put sunglasses on him and put a porn movie on (it would be like a blind date), or perhaps prop a Playgirl magazine on his belly and ride that thing as long as you can.

One would be curious about why you find him repulsive for sex? He is dying so you otta give a brutha a break, or at least try if you can stand it.

Greg has a great idea!
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Old 07-20-2016, 05:29 PM #4 (permalink)
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Gross no thanks
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Old 07-20-2016, 05:33 PM #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex???

From what you've written Tracy, it seems the problem is that you find him repulsive. I don't know what to do about that. I'll only write here what others have told me.

In most cases, I think, paralyzed people, both men and women, still enjoy the same sex as before. Everybody likes to be appreciated with affection.

In one case, a paralyzed person gave the CALS permission to date others, but I suspect that taking the offer is not a good idea.

One female CALS complained that her husband insisted on oral sex, but did not appreciate her when she did it. She felt abused. He had a bad attitude as soon as he was diagnosed, anyway.

I guess one important question to ask yourself is, would your own life be better if you gave him some sort of sex from time to time, or would it not?

Thanks for raising an important issue.
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Old 07-20-2016, 05:41 PM #6 (permalink)
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There are pro's who specialise in working with disabled clients.
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Old 07-20-2016, 06:46 PM #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex???

Quote:
Originally Posted by Atsugi View Post
Thanks for raising an important issue.
OK, that's just waving a red flag in front of BigMark!
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Old 07-20-2016, 08:35 PM #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex???

Deeper still, do you find him "repulsive" because he is disabled or do you just plain find him repulsive? You have posted here previously about abusive/difficult behavior from him. Sounds like there were issues prior to the ALS big time. For me, I'd give Brian anything I have to give, but that was true a long time before the diagnosis.
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Old 07-20-2016, 08:38 PM #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex???

Actually, if you read back over Tracy's posts, her reason for revulsion is pretty clear.
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Old 07-20-2016, 09:07 PM #10 (permalink)
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Sadly it is clear.
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Old 07-20-2016, 09:53 PM #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex???

I never said repulsive??! But I'm treated poorly. So why would I give any of that time to him? Plus had anybody read that I said it does not work anyway!!!! It's sad that he is severely depressed b/c of no sex/hand jobs. Over the fact that he should be more depressed due to the fact he is dying and won't see his kids grow up or me his wife! I'm mad b/c he rather get his little thing touched over family and being with us. If he don't get what he wants we all hve to deal with him! I'm fed up with ppl telling me to give it to him. Um he can't force me to have sex with him can you say RAPE???? I will not be forced into something I don't want to do. It makes me wonder if I had Als would he force himself on me of you I didn't want it? When you are wiping poo out of his butt and he thinks it's funny and laughs in my face, I'm turned off. Really you all can't tell me that you would want to be intimate with someone like that.
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Old 07-20-2016, 10:26 PM #12 (permalink)
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If he's only your patient and not your husband in any manner, then it sounds like an irretrievably broken marriage. Very sorry for both of you. Wish there was something I could do.
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Old 07-21-2016, 12:01 AM #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex???

Tracy, you shouldn't have to do anything you don't want to do. It sounds to me like he has been and is
abusive. If I was tested this way I would have walked along time ago. It also sounds to me like he has no respect for you. He is lucky you have stayed to take care of him. I think it's time to tell him that you are there to help him through this but that's where it stops. You should also take some time off fo yourself. What is he going to do about it?

I do not know all the facts nor do I know the marriage you have had but what you have presented here shows a very troubled situation. Only you know that you can and can't do but you should seek some councel. There are agencies that can do this for free. I hope you can find a way to survive without totally breaking.
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Old 07-21-2016, 12:54 AM #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex???

Tracy, of course you don't want to be intimate with someone, husband or not, who is cruel and disrespectful to you. Do you realize, though, that you are in control - not him. You don't have to do anything sexual with him and you don't have to obtain any "services" for him in your household, especially if you have children at home. It is not all about him regardless if he has a terminal illness. You have to think of yourself too.

I have ALS and I show nothing but appreciation for the help I receive from my husband. You need to feel that appreciation and it's just crazy that he is demanding anything sexual from you.

I'm going to say it again to you - you have all the control and you need to take control of this situation for your family, and take time out for yourself. It does not sound like he will change, and just let his comments go in one ear and out the other. Remember he needs you, you don't need him except to be a loving part of your family and it sounds like that is not occurring.

Hugs,
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Old 07-21-2016, 07:24 AM #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sex???

I think Deb has it exactly right. He is very fortunate indeed that you are taking care of him, and at this point you do have all the control.
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