Guilt

[JennyC]

How do youu all deal with taking time for yourselves? I am not my moms main caregiver and she is still fairly independent right now although she has moved in with my aunt. I go down each week either for the day or overnight and hang out with her. My gram is also having health issues as I am myself and many other family members. I haven't seen her in a week and a half, I wanted to get down there this week to see her so I was thinking I would go on Thursday to see my mom, stay over and go see my gram Friday morning and then come back and see my mom some more on Friday afternoon. My best friend who I haven't seen in months because of our clashing schedules has Friday morning free and I would really love and could really use a morning just to hang out and be me and do something for myself but if I do that I won't be able to stay over with my mom and will only get to see her for the day and won't get to see my Gram at all until next week. I feel horribly guilty for even wanting to go catch up with my friend instead...I feel like a bad daughter and a bad grand daughter...I also know its important to take care of myself mentally and physically but I can't shake the guilt.:-?

 

[GregK]

You know you both want and need to but still feel guilty.

Here's a truth that you can also use as a rationalization: if you don't take care of yourself you will (eventually) not be able to care for others.

You'll feel both guilty and resentful. Bad combination.

There's a reason the airlines say to put your oxygen mask on first ...

 

[Vincent]

Guilt is alcohol soluable. But seriously,you see this all the time. People who are ill have lots of people looking after them. Who's looking after you. If you don't you will wear yourself to a nub and be of no use to anyone.
Vincent

 

[KimT]

If you were my daughter, I'd want you to spend time with your friend. It would make me happy.

 

[Atsugi]

My PALS encouraged me to take off from time to time. She wanted me to put her in a day facility so I could take respite that day. But I never did. Our journey was only 8 months long from start to finish, so I didn't suffer as much as the CALS who care for their PALS for 8 years.

Don't feel guilty. You need to take care of yourself first.

 

[scaredwifetx]

I also feel guilty when I take time off for me...but I am much better for it. I am much more at ease around Steve, it makes me happy even for a short time and Steve is also happy, that I am taking care of myself. Spend some time with your friend. Take it from me...true friends can help you through so much and it's also a relationship that you need to take care of.

 

[vltsra]

Dear Jenny, you are young and need to have some time outside of this disease to enjoy life. You said that your mom is still fairly independent right now, and she has other people to help her with caregiving. You also need to take care of yourself. When I started this journey 8 months ago I made some promises to myself that I am currently able to keep because my husband does not require full-time caregiving - I would continue to run and cycle, I would continue to work, I would get help when I need it, and I would continue to paint. There will come a time when I may have to give these things up, but for now I am trying to keep these promises. My husband is 100% supportive as I'm sure your mom is of you.

V

 

[Nuts]

Jenny, it's been well said already, but I'll add my voice. We are all subject to that guilt, but you must struggle to put it away and spend you time. If you don't, you will come to resent the loss of your life. One of the ugly ironies of this disease is that when we get our wish for a slow progression and extra time with our PALS, we are at greater risk for resenting the time it takes from us. You are a wonderful daughter, and I'm sure that if you asked your mom she would tell you to see your friend. I also feel the guilt when I leave, but I'm blessed with a wonderful husband who insists that I do and with family who makes it possible. I know that I'm a better caregiver when I return.

Much love,
Becky

 

[Barbie]

Baby, go have fun. that is what grams and moms want for our kids. just be sure and reschedule for next week! and take pictures of you and your girlfriend having fun together.! they'll enjoy that.

 

[codyclan]

I am going to repeat what everyone else has said, but do not add guilt to your list of responsibilities. Seriously! My husband (PALS) and I have two adult daughters, ages 22 and 24. We want them to spend time with their friends, get support from their peers and live as normal a life as this disease allows. Take the time and feel normal for a day--it is vital and will help you feel a little refreshed and able to deal with the rest of the stuff. If you Gram and mom or anyone else is 'making you feel guilty'--don't let them. You are doing right by your PALS and Gram and they know it!!!

Have a great morning with your friend!
Tracy