Anger

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JennyC

Distinguished member
Joined
May 3, 2016
Messages
232
Reason
Loved one DX
Diagnosis
04/2016
Country
US
State
NY
City
Queensbury
How do you deal with your PALS anger? Mom is very snappy today and of course I understand why, it just seems no matter what I do or so she gets snippy. Do I keep trying? Do I back off for a bit? Do I suck it up?
 
I will certainly be checking out any advice given about this subject...
 
Am I correct that she had her diagnosis confirmed yesterday? Completely normal of course given the circumstances. If you have assured her already of your love and support take your cues from her. I personally would need some space at such a time
 
Yes, she had her second opinion yesterday and it was confirmed.
 
I think that having truly just been diagnosed anger is quite normal.
Maybe she just needs you to say something like - I'm feeling so angry about this diagnosis, so I can't imagine what you are feeling mum. I want to support you, but I understand if you just need time to process all of this. Please let me know how I can support you best.

If she is snappy, you may need to just be available, but give her a little space. You can even say you will give her a little space for a few days if she would prefer and let her say yes or no.

No real rights or wrongs here, there is just nothing like the shock of this diagnosis - way worse than having a bucket of ice tipped over your head!
 
I can only try to understand how our PALS feel. I have no doubt that their grief is an entirely different experience from ours, and I do try to give my husband some space because of that. I don't, however, think that we as caregivers should quietly allow anger about ALS to be directed at us. It will hurt us, and ultimately that will be bad for our PALS. I think it is fair and smart to calmly acknowledge your mom's right to be angry, but then explain that you are angry also and then point out that she appears to be taking her anger and pain out on you. Not in an accusatory manner, but as gently as possible. Reassure her that you love her and will be there for her, but tell her that when she vents her anger on you that it makes things even harder. Sometimes the conversation doesn't work--but it's worth a try.

Becky
 
Jenny, Nikki is right -- this is a tough day/week. I'd give her as much space as she seems to need while helping her if/as she needs or asks, but not until one of those.

Generally speaking, hovering and asking questions when someone is in a funk generates anger and part of the grieving process (which is what she has to go through) is being/living wounded, not helped, not "handled." She is dealing with a loss of independence that is probably not ready for the calm, rational conversation just yet.

Sorry you are dealing with this.

Best,
Laurie
 
No real rights or wrongs here, there is just nothing like the shock of this diagnosis - way worse than having a bucket of ice tipped over your head!

Its funny (not in a haha funny way) but two years ago my husband and I did the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, thinking what an awful disease it was....blissfully unaware of how it would touch our lives...
 
It's great that you did the challenge, but yes what a difference to be aware of the disease compared to be experiencing it!

That bucket of ice is a snap in comparison!
 
I was thinking the same thing JennyC... My PALS all of our family members participated in the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge as well. We also had no idea of what was to come.
 
There are so many emotions in the beginning for PALS and CALS. Anger was one of the first emotions for us. It's perfectly understandable. I let Steve be angry at first and once he saw how much it was hurting me he calmed down. I also learned to give him space and not to get offended. Just one of the many lessons we learn through this. Our past couple of weeks have been filled with moments of sadness as we watch more losses. It's tough and emotional toil is one of the hardest parts of this disease. I am so sorry that your family is going through this.
 
Jenny
Sometimes I just need to be upset or angry while jumping through all the hoops. I am still in limbo really my diagnosis is probable mnd/ possible MMN.

Despite Ivig treatment I still seem to be progressing, the othe morning I found yet another silly thing I couldn't do anymore, I swore a lot and cried. My daughter walked into the room and said. " hurt or upset? " I replied angry! and she walked away saying "call me if you need"

She is a loving cuddly person but the best thing when I get angry is for me to be on my own, I would never want to take things out on her but it's easy to snap when this happens. If I called for her she would be there in a shot. Sometimes you can't help, you just have to wait for the call?

Wendy x
 
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