Need support- now mother in crisis

Status
Not open for further replies.

scaredwifetx

Very helpful member
Forum Supporter
Joined
Jul 25, 2015
Messages
1,606
Reason
CALS
Diagnosis
07/2015
Country
US
State
tx
City
Dallas
I tried starting a new thread but could not find the new thread key anywhere. It might be due to lack of sleep or its not letting me start one. I need to reach out for support and rant a little.

I last night from work and went back to see my mother. I noticed that she was talking funny and slurred. She also had drool coming out of her mouth and has been chocking on her food. I feared a stroke so call the ambulance. fast forward six hours later. The docs came into the emergency room and said the Cat Scan showed several masses and breeding in her brain and they were transporting her to another hospital downtown to Neuro ICU. Fast forward to this afternoon with no sleep. All test back and she has lung and brain cancer, plus aspiration pneumonia. Stage 4 cancer that is with no surgery options. She is in the final stages and the only option is radiation that may or may not extend it for a couple of months. I had to have power of attorney assigned and am making her medical decisions so we will be in hospice. I also have to coordinate it all and find a way to get back to work quickly.

Really??? I am at my breaking point. Brand new job and I am missing work plus this is such a shock. We did not see any signs until a few days ago. I am not sure how I can be so many places at once and maintain my strength. I am the only family close by so cant leave her alone here, as she has mental issues and is not understood by anyone but me the last two days. The doctors won't tell her anything so I have to relay it all.

To top it off my husband is no support at all. I think I deserve better after all I have doe everything in my power to support him. All he said when I called him is " Why do you need to stay at the hospital she is dying and there is nothing you can do. Is brother is there so this has nothing to do with me coming home to take care of him. He doesn't care if I am there anymore. All I wanted when calling him was " I am so sorry babe, we can get through this and I love you.

I am so angry, shocked, sad, exhausted and tired at all of it. Hope of making it to the other side of all of this, is diminishing by the moment.

Sorry everyone, we all have so much to deal with. I just had to get this all off my shoulders.
 
Oh man. That's really terrible news. I am so sorry for this new source of stress and grief for you. I am sending my prayers and best wishes your way.

Fiona
 
"To top it off my husband is no support at all...All I wanted when calling him was I am so sorry babe, we can get through this and I love you."

The League of Insensitive Men is well-meaning but not very helpful. I know, because I used to be their leader.

You really do have to tell some of us exactly what to say. We really don't know. I consider it an emotional disability.

I'm not excusing it. Just explaining it. Good luck.
 
Ahhh scared, Of course you can come here to vent and find support. It is very hard to deal with small, unplanned issues but this is a biggie. I hope you can find a place for your mom and ease your burden,....maybe find a place for hubbie too;)
 
Thanks you all for the support. Mike, I normally understand this fault in men as my husband is also in The League of Insensitive Men. LOL
I just feel this one time he could find the words or some words of support as I am certainly not in the mood to point it ot for him. I give him a lot of free passes lately but this wuld be one of the times that he shoulf be able to find some words.

Oh well, I will recover quick as I am fiercly independent and learned a long time ago not to waste to much time being angry over something or someone you cannot change.
 
Dear Deb,

I don't usually come to the CALS section, being that I'm a PALS.
I'm probably not really supposed to be here, but something drew me here.
I didn't know there was anything from you here that you had posted.

I cannot tell you how sorry I am.
To me, this happening to your Mother at all, but particularly at this
time, seems mind staggering, it seems beyond reality.
But it is real.

It is a nightmare.
You have been trying so hard for so long in every way possible.
It truly seems unreal that this has now happened.

I cannot imagine the stress, exhaustion, and overwhelmingness of it all.
I cannot imagine what it must be like to be going through this.

Is there a way you can have your husband's brother step in and fully take over
at home for a while as far as caring for your husband goes, while you are
exceedingly necessarily trying to be the only one making arrangements and
caring for your Mother?

I do not feel in anyway that that is too much to ask of your husband's brother.

Meanwhile, are there ANY family members, relatives (even somewhat more distant relatives),or friends
of your Mother's, even
if they need to come from quite a distance, who can come to be there and to support you
in her care?

You have to be totally drained, exhausted, and in a daze.
I can only imagine how hard it would be to summon up strength, and ideas of how
to handle this seemingly impossible situation.
But there IS some kind of answer out there, even if just a partial solution,
I know there must be.

You need to eat something nourishing, to hydrate yourself, and to rest, even if
for just a few minutes at a time, in whatever way you can.

There will be a way that this situation can be managed, even if it is less
than ideal.
Try to have faith that an answer will come to you.
Breathe.

I am so sorry that all of this heartbreak is happening at one time.
Just a portion of it happening would be too much.

I am here and I care.

Please p.m. me if it might help in the slightest bit.

Sincerely.
 
Deb,

It took a while for me to write my message.
(Your second post was not there when I began writing.)

I truly hope that something I said in my message to you
can help in some way.

You need some more help.

Please remember that you are not alone in this.

Laura.
 
Laura, I am so glad you were drawn to my post. You don't know how much your taking the time to type such wonderful words of support and love mean to me. You are truly an earth angel and mean so much to me,

Steve's brother has no problem at all taking over the home front and does so much to help since I work full time. He is there now while I am staying at the hospital. My best friend came up today and will come anytime I ask to help. I am worried that decisions will be made without me present and my mother doesn't have the capacity to understand.

I do have sleep issues and it gets even worse under stress. I am going to do my best to sleep some tonight and try to sneak home for a while tomorrow to take a shower and get clean clothes.

I will figure it all out and will come out on the other side. Thanks for reminding me Laura. I knew you would come along and make me feel better.
 
Hi Deb, I am so very sorry for this turn of events. What an awful situation to be in. Laura has given you really good advice. I will be thinking of you and sending you strength.
 
You sure are going to have to use you "BIG" girl panties for this one.
Next to losing a child, losing one's parents is the worst. My heart goes out to you. Your Mom will be made comfortable by Hospice and I am sure your boss will show you some compassion when he hears what you are going through.
Take care of yourself as you have some tough days ahead.
CiCi
 
Oh no, this is just too much and I can relate to some degree.

My brother had a health crisis, major surgery with a high chance he would not make it, then I brought him home (because Chris thought it would be good company for him).
Double trouble - 2 neurological conditions that did not go well at all. One blind but mobile, and demanding and confused, and one immobile without speech.

I hope you can find the balance to give support to both (without support from your husband which broke my heart for you), without it taking you completely down. It will mean you can't do everything for both of them, but only you can work that out.

But you can rant here and we will listen and offer as much support as possible to help you find your way through this.

I'm so sorry, it really is too much!
 
God Bless You, Deb, and All of Your Loved Ones...
 
Deb, I'm so sorry about your mom's prognosis and Steve's insensitivity, regardless of source, compounding it all. Oncology usually has pretty good support services and a sense of what you are dealing with. Don't hesitate to reach out to the social worker/discharge planner at the hospital where your mom is, while she is there, to see what resources/advice s/he has to offer, and do the same with the counselor on the hospice team.

As far as decisions while you are away, you can make sure it's charted on the face sheet/EMR that as your mom's hc PoA, you are to be consulted on any interventional test or treatment not previously authorized. Talk w/ her nurse at each shift change if you can (phone works, too) about how she will be communicated with, what to do if she is fearful, make sure they have your cell, etc. and know when to use it. Also you can verify that whatever status is in effect is charted as well, e.g. no code, or whatever you have decided.

Hang in,
Laurie
 
Thanks Poppies, CiCi, Tillie, Laura and Laurie for the support and words of wisdom. It helps and I am a little stronger today. I plan on going home later today for a warm shower, grab some clothes and toiletries. I made sure that all the paperwork was done yesterday and that the record is on file with the hospital.

We have spoke with the doctors and told them no Radiation as the Cancer is to far along so all we wants is palliative care. I will need to make sure that we stay on top of it as she does not want hospice at home as she feels it will be to much for Steve, myself and her. She is on Social Security so I hope they will not make her have in home hospice.

I have not left her by herself yet, will only leave at night when the doctors are not around and no decisions will need to be made. Steve has Mike to assist Steve and right now Steve is still able to get around with a cane. Not sure what is in store for us over the next few months. I have decided to breathe take one day at a time.
 
Sometimes it's best that we don't know what is ahead I think.

You are pulling your plan together one piece at a time. Just work on a day at a time, months is far too much!

hugs
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top