up.. down.. who knows anymore.

[smoochiegal]

My friends,

Not sure if we are on the up swing or the down swing of this rollercoaster... We spent the last 3 days crying and him begging me to give him all of the meds we have in the house.
He is done. But apparently his body is not.
I am so emotionally exhausted.
I am so angry that God would allow him to have to do this.. I keep begging God to take him, because I could not live with myself if I had to do it.
I am tired or people starting sentences to me with 'you should..'
I am tired of crying all the time.
I am tired of people saying call me if you need anything.. when if they came here, they would see what needs to be done.
I am tired of feeling like I am failing at everything.
I need something, but I have no idea what. Sleep does not seem to rest me. I can't even think of eating. (I am also tired of people telling me 'wow, you have lost a lot of weight, you look great.'.... are you kidding me?)

So there it is.. my early Sunday morning rant and vent while I wish that I was still sleeping but that damn misquito kept landing on my forehead and I just could not find him!

Love to you all and I hope you have a sunny, happy Sunday. I will go back to bed soon and pray that I wake up in a better mood.

OXOX for listening.
Cheryl

 

[affected]

Oh my, I'm sure I could have written so many of those things early last year.

Every single thing you say is valid, and your exhaustion is real. Carers do burn out and I am concerned you are in danger of this. I don't have the answer, because you obviously need the stress lessened but that is easier said than done.

You can rant here, and believe me you are not a bad person or a failure if you let it all out here. I absolutely had to talk about my feelings to people who understood in order to keep going.

 

[Nuts]

Cheryl, I feel tears welling for you. I hope you found more sleep after your post.
I wish that I had more to offer you than empathy. If supportive thoughts and find their way to your heart and mind, I'm sending them.

 

[cheerleader]

Cheryl, you words have been all of our words at sometime. So sorry life is so difficult right now, and so frustrating. No words can express how deeply the rest of us feel your pain. Love to you. Donna

 

[Green Queen]

Cheryl, you and your beloved are in my prayers.
God bless, Janelle x

 

[avnl]

Cry and rant away! We are listening, caring, and feeling your strength despite your own sense of failure. I do not think there is much worse than seeing your loved one suffer!
Anna

 

[gooseberry]

OWhen they ask you if there is anything they can do tell them yes. You could at least sit outside with a cup of tea or.coffee for a few minutes. If things seem okay maybe catch a quick nap. Have them bring you a meal. Any help for you will be good. You must try to take care of yourself .

Hugs to you.

 

[Amandagall5]

I hope you are not trying to do this on your own? If so you need to have some help on a regular basis so you can have some time to yourself. I thought I could do it by myself, but I was very wrong! It's very hard sometimes so even if your spouse is suffering so much, take care of yourself so you can take care of him.

 

[MaxEidswick]

>So there it is.. my early Sunday morning rant and vent while I wish that I was still sleeping but that damn misquito kept landing on my forehead and I just could not find him!

Cheryl, do you have any anti anxiety stuff for you?

Hugs!

Max

 

[bigmark1954]

At the risk of offending you, I am curious whether he is involved with hospice. Like Max indicated, changing or adding meds may help.Sorry you have to endure this.
Much Luv

 

[Atsugi]

This is an issue for a full-fledged psychiatrist to tackle. Not a GP doctor, not a psychologist. A psychiatrist can treat this.

There's no need for a PALS or a CALS to suffer that much emotionally.

 

[affected]

I would just gently disagree Mike.

I think Cheryl is feeling and expressing completely normal CALS emotions. Things have been extremely tough there for her and she needed to let off some steam. I know that there is nothing like a good scream and let a torrent of pent up feelings flow.

 

[Barbie]

Cheryl, your post is very scary! I hate that everything is so out of control for you. I don't remember if you are on AD, but if not get it right away! even if he wont and I think he needs them! Hospice is a good idea and that could start immediately. also, as far as the "just ask" group, some truly mean it and are afraid to overstep bounds. they don't realize the depth of your needs as you probably hide how tough things are from most people. Get on Facebook or send out a group email to everyone you know, and said you are desperate for help--meals, house cleaning, sitting with him while you rest, yard work, repairs what ever. be sure and state how overwhelmed you are and that you are too stressed to know what you need exactly, but you need help! you'll get a lot of response that say, "gosh I wish I could" but some will step up--and they may be the least likely ones. do you have one close friend? if you do, call her and ask her if she would start a caring bridge account for you or organize all your friends for help. let her know how overwhelmed you are. that is a sign of depression and frankly, it is no wonder.

Sending a virtual hug your way!

 

[bigmark1954]

I would just gently disagree Mike.

I think Cheryl is feeling and expressing completely normal CALS emotions. Things have been extremely tough there for her and she needed to let off some steam. I know that there is nothing like a good scream and let a torrent of pent up feelings flow.

Tillie

ditto what the Tillinator said...... but she needs to also look at the meds both he and she are using. For example perhaps a healthy dose of klonopin might ease his anxiety and calm him down.
You could talk to him forever and not get a successful result. His stress manifests from both a physiological, and a pathological dynamic.

 

[smoochiegal]

Hi all...
yes, I am certainly on antidepressants and anti anxiety meds.
He is very stubborn and refuses to take antidepressants but is warming up to the anti anxiety meds.
He refuses to talk to anyone.

I have talked to my sister today and asked her for some help. So I am getting there.

And Yes, Tillie... this is my safe place.... where there is no filter and I can say how devastated I am.

I thank you all from the bottom o f my heart for your suggestions, concern and love.

ox
Cheryl