Guilt trip or any other trip for that matter

[HeatherFeather]

Ron is stuck in a wheel chair with no chance of going out in the car as his chair doesn't fit. Actually it's a loaner until he gets his own and also his new Dodge Grand Caravan...all of this sometime in February. Meantime, I am getting stir crazy and need to do a bit of shopping and have lunch with friends but I can't leave him alone for, say, three hours. It takes me half an hour to get to the next town to shop, as we live in the "sticks" LOL! However, that being said, even if I did manage to get someone to stay with Ron, I would feel sooooo guilty leaving him that long. I haven't left his side since he started limping in June. How do you cope with a case of the guilts because you'd like to go out to do something by yourself? I feel so terrible that he can't be with me. We always had a weekly shopping and lunch together for as long as we've been a couple. How do you handle this?

 

[MaxEidswick]

with the exception of the toilet, Sandy goes ...

 

[Barbie]

Heather you need to remember your own mental health and attitude is very important in this battle. guilt is a waste of time. going out for lunch and shopping with a friend is a very little thing really, but the relaxation and refreshment you will get from it is not such a little thing.

does he have an old friend who could come over and watch a movie with him? a neighbor? how about the husband of your friend? someone from your church? You are probably a little nervous to ask as well...but many are willing to help. there is no shame in asking for help.

 

[Nikki J]

Definitely you need to have time out on a fairly regular basis. As Barbie says for your own health. It will be good for both of you, as the saying goes put your oxygen mask on first! I would feel horribly guilty if my SO did not take time to recharge

 

[zachsaru]

I have found that it is absolutely necessary to have "me" time. I have come to accept that I cannot do this alone. It is hard to step away because you know that your willingness to do anything you can to provide comfort makes such a difference our loved ones. However, when I do come back from a "break" I am able to provide better care and much of the built up tension seems to fade. If you don't take care of yourself you will have a very hard time taking care of anyone else...

 

[HeatherFeather]

Thanks Barbie, Nikkie and Zachsaru - I know that if I don't have some 'me' time, I will wilt away and not be of any help for my DH who needs me to be as strong as possible. I just need to kick my own butt sometimes, I guess ... The thing is, when I ask Ron if I can call someone to stay with him, he doesn't want to bother anyone and just says no. When I tell him that I need to have someone stay with him in case he needs bathroom detail or slips from his popup lazy boy chair, or chokes on something, he says he'll be ok for a few hours but I know that more and more he needs someone around. He doesn't want me to burden anyone. Looks like I'm just going to have to ask someone on my own and accept the consequences that he'll be pissed at me :-(

 

[Nuts]

Heather, not only do our PALS not want to impose on others, they are also losing their independance, and that's hard. As much as we need us time, they are also facing a life where they are never alone--never have any privacy. Sometimes my husband goes outside in his chair and asks me not to follow--he just needs to be alone. It's so hard to balance our desire to care for and protect them and their very understandable need to retain as much independance as possible.

Can your husband push a button? We have a pendant that my husband can hang around his neck. If he falls, he can push a button and it transmits through our telephone to call up to four numbers in successon (the last one being emergency services). If the first person, me, doesn't answer, it automatically dials the next number (our neighbors). Once he pushes the button he can converse (the device acts like an intercom). Is there anyone close enough to respond if you used a system like that?

If that's not doable, you might also try explaining to him that you simply can't go relax if you are worried about him. Make it about you, rather than about him. Perhaps he will accept help from others if he sees it that way.

 

[HeatherFeather]

Yes, very true about the independence loss - I can understand that too. As for pushing a button, so far he can use his hands. His arms are weak and his fingers move slowly (his signature/writing has suffered within the last month or so), but he can use a telephone/cellphone to call any number of friends that live not too far from us in our teeny tiny town. That's a thought. Our little fire department has also been notified of his condition and the fact that we might put in a call in case he falls and I can't get him back up again. I just feel that he'll be so lonely with me gone for 3 hours, or maybe I shouldn't flatter myself

 

[MaxEidswick]

we try to get Sandy out 4-6 hours/day, tricky sometimes, but usually doable ...

 

[HeatherFeather]

Hey Max - WOW! 4-6 hours a day! I'd love just one day a week for about 3-4 hours - would help to clear my mind. ;-)

I DO get out for half an hour to go for a power walk in the fresh air just to keep exercising and there too, to change my mind...

 

[MaxEidswick]

when the temp > 60f we run the dogs for almost an hour around the neighborhood ...

 

[HeatherFeather]

Oh too cool, Max - right now, here in Quebec (about an hour and a bit out of Montreal) we are a 'balmy' 14 degrees - yech! Oh well, at least it's sunny

 

[MaxEidswick]

>we are a 'balmy' 14 degrees

American football weather!

 

[Graybeard]

Tell us about you cockatiels, Heather.

 

[MaxEidswick]

>Tell us about you cockatiels, Heather.

w/ ppics