Scared - End of Life Planning

[my3sunz42]

I don't know where to begin ... I don't even know what I'm trying to ask ... My dear friend, father of our 2 incredible boys is now preparing for end of life. In ways it feels like we're planning to have another baby ... you know they questions ... where do we take the kids? what about the dog? But the questions this time around are even harder to bare.

I had a heart-to-heart talk with his wife last week. We've determined that my husband & I will be there to support all the kids (our shared boys, their 2 little ones and our youngest). He has upped his Ativan to help manage the ongoing panic attacks from air hunger. Last week he suffered a major attack - it was late in the evening - couldn't breath and explained to his wife that this damn disease was now more than he could handle. Their 2 younger ones heard him crying and came rushing to his side ... his son (10) placing a cross his one hand and his daughter (8) placing a yellow finch figurine in his other hand. While Jim cried, the kids explained that he wasn't alone ... we're all here for you Daddy.

Now our oldest boys are preparing to head off to college ... I have to talk to them and begin voicing what I know is on their minds ... will Dad be here when I get back? And I don't know the answer ... no one does. Breaks my heart & I cry as I type. I know honesty is the only way (they are 20 and 18) ... but it hurts me to hurt them.

I can't focus on much these days ... can't sleep because my dreams haunt me, struggle working because I worry that I'm missing time that I should be sharing with him. I guess I post here because I know there are others out there that share my sentiments. I'm scared, but I know I'm not alone.

I hate this f' ing disease ... I'm angry ... but mostly I'm sad. Give me strength because I know we're now climbing a hill and I need it.

Bless you all,
Cheryl

 

[MaxEidswick]

>I hate this f' ing disease ... I'm angry ... but mostly I'm sad. Give me strength because I know we're now climbing a hill and I need it.

have you considered clergy? is that an option?

 

[Santa joe]

Cheryl, I pray for strength everyday and I will also pray for you. The end of the journey is the hardest part knowing this disease is going to win. We are here with you!

Debbie

 

[my3sunz42]

Thanks Max - and yes - need to call his priest while he still has some strength to speak.

Debbie - prayers for you too.

 

[MaxEidswick]

> need to call his priest while he still has some strength to speak

for you too, Cheryl!

 

[gooseberry]

Prayers for all of you. We are here to lend an ear and a shoulder to cry on for each other. It's a tough journey we are all on but having each other, makes it a little more bearable.

 

[Barbie]

heartbreaking. post stay strong--you are doing all the right things. it is so scary for all of you, and so not fair. You are not alone, and your faith and strong character will guide you thru this hell and out to the other side.

 

[Bucky in CB]

I agree that I hate this disease. We need to have this discussion, but my Jim refuses to. He has been saying he wants to clean out the garage for months. I mention the two or three things the boys would like to have from out there, and he won't even let them go ahead nd take those items--He will never use such tools again, but he cannot let them go. I don't know how to handle the notifications, either. I've asked a sister of one of the daughters-in-law to help with that when the time comes, and the daughter-in-law was offended that I hadn't asked her. I thought she was too close to the family, and she would probably be dealing with her own family as well as mine.
We have finally been able to join a support group we can actually attend. First meeting for us was yesterday and we were impressed with all that was shared, and that we could contribute help tips to. This is encouraging. We are all in this together, dear friend.

 

[tinyandme]

My husband just passed last week. Last few day sound similar. Does he have a dnr? Does he want vent? Not sure about where you live but here our Dr sent us a Symptom Relief Kit at this point. It had injections of morphine, halide, scopalomine, atropine. A nurse came and explained what each one was for, when to give it, how much, etc. Made him much more comfortable and his passing was very calm as a result, surrounded by friends and family.

Haydens kids are 15, 19 andv24. He talked with oldest 2 a few weeks before he got sick sick and explained his wishes and what would happen in the end. I talked to youngest 3 days before he passed, he knew his dad was dying but didn't get how soon. All 3 are doing ok, kids are resilient. We were honest from day one but tried not yo overwhelm them with details.

I hope it goes well with your friend, as well and as peaceful and gentle as we can hope for. If you have any questions, I'm here xo

 

[tinyandme]

Ps Hayden waited until his final morning to tell me what to give to whom. Very frustrating, only reason I got that much was because I had a great Dr who told him..today is the day, prepare. As soon as Dr left he started talking, I had been trying for months!

 

[rosec]

Cheryl, our two kids were in college when their dad was diagnosed. Both have graduated and working. They seem to be handling the situation ok. Some times I wonder what is worse for a child whose parent is diagnosed with a terminal illness: a relatively quick exit or a longer one. Sometimes I get the sense that they feel they have to put their life on a bit of a 'hold'. I have told them they need to live their lives, but they feel they need to be around for both of us. Like max would say, It is what it is.

 

[gooseberry]

Well, the PEG tube and vent discussion has inspired my husband to agree to see a lawyer and take care of things. So the calls have been placed and will set up an appointment tomorrow hopefully for this week. He wants uit done before he has his PEG done.

 

[Janie H]

God Bless Cheryl, you and your family.
Janie

 

[Atsugi]

Has anybody heard from Cheryl--my3sunz42--for 10 days? She's got a lot of stuff going on and I'm worried she needs help.

 

[gooseberry]

No I haven't seen her anywhere on the site