Heartache + Betrayal = Heartache x 2

[AnaMaria]

Its been a long time since been here. Guess you can say I have been preoccupied.

Last January in 2013 my mother asked I help her - Mom has ALS. She said my father (who never cooked or cleaned before) could not help much, and he is in his 80's. So, with my husbands blessing, I traveled from Toronto to Seattle. Cleaned, cooked, shopped, helped get her an airbed, toilet seat, bath seat, neck brace, etc... Finally went home again only to be called back 2 months later because she had a bad stroke.

When things seemed settled (she was in a Nursing home), I went to back to Toronto to find my husband had an affair. I gave up 2 part time jobs, lost my husband, going through a divorce now (his wish), and I don't even know where I will work or live in the near future... oh, lost 35 pounds due to depression and I never been so heartbroken - Mom's breathing is now becoming weaker too.

Here I am in Seattle for another month (been here 3.5 weeks). Dad took Mom home and they hired a caregiver (finally).

I can't say I am looking forward to 2014. 2013 was unbearable. I have a feeling 2014 won't be a walk in the park either. I feel I lost my world, as well as slowly loosing my Mom.

Why am I writing this? Has anyone else been betrayed while doing the right thing?

 

[Barbie]

Hi ANaMaria,

I am so sorry for your troubles. Honestly, I think you are better off with out that scummy husband. You have every reason to be heartbroken and depressed, but I hope you are getting help with that. Just dealing with your mom's ALS is enough, but to have the divorce and affair weighing on you too.

 

[zoohouse]

AnaMaria I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I do know what you are going through from personal experience. In 2000 my only brother's Lymphoma went end stage, and I was the one who coordinated all of his care. I would go to his house before work at 6:30AM give him his IV medications, go to work and he would come at 1200 for more meds. I finished my 12hour shift go to his house give meds, then before bed, and the cycle repeated. My husband of 23 years was supportive at first but then started complaining that it was all about my brother. I told him that my brother had less than a month to live, and that I could not abandon him. When I would go to get groceries I started to notice that my husband's truck was at the wholesaler he dealt with late after the store closed, and I knew there was a new female manager. When I pulled in one evening he came out immediately and she locked the door behind him right away. Well to make a long story short my brother died on the 20th of January 2001, and 5 days after his funeral my husband moved out, leaving me and our 2 sons. I was destroyed, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, and had to take leave from my work. It was like I was down in a deep dark hole and couldn't see the light at the top. By the grace of God I made it, and was stronger because of it. The relationship my ex had did not last longer than a year, and he has since, many years later confessed to our sons that his biggest regret in live was breaking his vows to me. Now I just think of him as a relative of mine, and we get along just fine at our son's grads or weddings.
If you can get counselling and maybe on an anti-depressant. It took me a year before I felt normal again, and I do think about my brother and am glad I spent the end with him, don't think about my ex at all now, so that shows you something.

Paulette

 

[skipper66]

Hi Anamaria,
I am so sorry to hear about your troubles. I myself am having marital difficulties but not the same as you are experiencing. I know there are always two-sides to the story but from what you are saying it sounds like he is a real scum bag and you'd be better off without him. But, again I know that doesn't erase the hurt.
In the meantime go to your doc for some medicine for depression. Just because you need something now doesn't mean yo will have to be one it forever. Next, you need a support system. Do you have any clergy, siblings, or friends that you can rely on for support. Is there a ALS support group near you?
Then you need us and we are hear to listen. Then the most important thing of all is this. You must pray! Even if your eyes are stinging with tears or you are angry. God, can handle it and you will eventually feel his comfort and you will become strong again. You will trip and fall on the way but with his help you will get there. You are way stronger then you think. Somebody, that steps up to the plate and puts their parents needs before their own is a class act in my book. That is what you are my dear. A class act. Much love to you, Kim

 

[AnaMaria]

Thanks for writing to me: Barbie, Paulette, and Kim

I am better and taking antidepressants. For the first month I was a wreck, cried for hours, did not eat. It still hurts, so does watching my mother suffer with ALS. Sometimes I do not know which emotion is surfacing. I have my 2 brothers here in Seattle, and my children in Toronto that are wonderful. I pray. I pray all the time. I pray with my mother. And I cry for all of us touched by this horrible decease. I am amazed by the strength and compassion shown in this forum. God Bless. One day at a time... and Paulette, I know how you felt, thank you for sharing your story.

 

[milanumpa]

It seems we are spirits having a physical journey. There are no victims"many many reg people are experiencing loss In many areas of their lives als seems to accelerated the trek. I had a fire, my brother quit talking to me my daughter took my dad in, forged documents took most of my inheritance. All his money, and is mad at me. My husband got colon cancer and three years later als. He is almost always nasty to me. My most beloved dog ever is nearing death. I have no fam to
help His family is in Iran. I have afew. Wonderful friends that help to keep me going. I've taken care of my mom and dad, helped the homeless. But the only thing that matters is to be here now. Meditate, keep expressing your feelings .You are not a victim. Put war paint on and be warrior woman. This won't be forever,
Your sister in als, Milan. Now the whole world is open to you! Take it slow and enjoy your life for a change!

 

[AnaMaria]

Some great wisdom has been offered. "No victims": I must take that to heart.
Some of my friends have nothing to do with me anymore, the very few ones left are wonderful, yes I am blessed.
Thank you Milan, you are family.

 

[zoohouse]

The ones that stuck with you are the real friends, and sometimes it takes a time like this to reveal them. We are survivors, even the ones with ALS, who fight till the last second to make their life full and meaningful.

Paulette

 

[SMP51]

you will look back one day and be glad he did you the favor of leaving, he is not your equal, period.