JamieL
Active member
- Joined
- Feb 19, 2013
- Messages
- 51
- Reason
- Loved one DX
- Diagnosis
- 02/2013
- Country
- US
- State
- Texas
- City
- Dallas
I've been hanging back, but reading quite a bit. I feel like I tell y'all my mom isn't
"that bad," and then I go visit them and I find myself consciously forcing myself from visibly showing my reaction... my reaction to how thin she is... how slowly she moves... how slurred her speech is. Then after a bit, she seems "normal" to me again. So I don't know if she's getting worse each time, or if it is the same as it was the time before, but the shock is repeating itself. I think that I have come to terms with reality, and intellectually I think I have, but then I hear the words "terminal" in relation to MY mother, and I start to panic. She left me a voice mail and I have been obsessively freaking out about NOT deleting it in case it is the last one. I want to record her reading to my kids, but not sure how to say "hey Ma, can you read to the girls so I can record it... you know, for after you're dead?" It's just awful.
So I was feeling good about tomorrow. Then last night called to firm up arrival time with my Dad so that I'm home from work to meet them at my house. He has very bad anxiety and I don't think his meds are right. I don't think the Ambien is what he needs since he can GO to sleep but not STAY asleep. From what I can gather, he found some drug distributor company that sells you Rilutek based on a percentage of your income. But he is getting the run around on forms, them saying the doctor faxed but didn't sign a form, etc. So he is all agitated about that. He basically created a 5 minute tirade whereby he somehow managed to work in his hatred of Nancy Peolosi, the drug company, Rilutek in general, any clinic that does drug studies because they are trying to make you think there's a cure when there isn't, how he is not having anything to do with it if it is "from the government" (?) and how he will just leave if they confuse him. Um. Ok. Sooo if confusing him is the litmus test for if we fly out of there in a rage or not, I suppose we shouldn't even go.
I know he is exhausted. He actually IS a very intelligent man. But I don't even know what to do with that. And at this point, I am afraid his attitude is going to be of detriment to my mom. Because if he freaks out and storms out, she'll be hot on his heels. Or at least as "hot on ones heels" as she can be at this point. I felt good about my list of questions. I had planned to let everyone else do their talking first, and listen to the doctor. Then ask any of my questions not answered. But now I'm terrified my dad is going to get overwhelmed and thrown off guard at the first little thing. And if he DOESN'T, I'm afraid anything I ask is going to overwhelm or upset him. Can't very well ask him/them to leave the room though! Ugh.
Thanks for letting me vent. Please pray for a smooth visit tomorrow.
Jamie
"that bad," and then I go visit them and I find myself consciously forcing myself from visibly showing my reaction... my reaction to how thin she is... how slowly she moves... how slurred her speech is. Then after a bit, she seems "normal" to me again. So I don't know if she's getting worse each time, or if it is the same as it was the time before, but the shock is repeating itself. I think that I have come to terms with reality, and intellectually I think I have, but then I hear the words "terminal" in relation to MY mother, and I start to panic. She left me a voice mail and I have been obsessively freaking out about NOT deleting it in case it is the last one. I want to record her reading to my kids, but not sure how to say "hey Ma, can you read to the girls so I can record it... you know, for after you're dead?" It's just awful.
So I was feeling good about tomorrow. Then last night called to firm up arrival time with my Dad so that I'm home from work to meet them at my house. He has very bad anxiety and I don't think his meds are right. I don't think the Ambien is what he needs since he can GO to sleep but not STAY asleep. From what I can gather, he found some drug distributor company that sells you Rilutek based on a percentage of your income. But he is getting the run around on forms, them saying the doctor faxed but didn't sign a form, etc. So he is all agitated about that. He basically created a 5 minute tirade whereby he somehow managed to work in his hatred of Nancy Peolosi, the drug company, Rilutek in general, any clinic that does drug studies because they are trying to make you think there's a cure when there isn't, how he is not having anything to do with it if it is "from the government" (?) and how he will just leave if they confuse him. Um. Ok. Sooo if confusing him is the litmus test for if we fly out of there in a rage or not, I suppose we shouldn't even go.
I know he is exhausted. He actually IS a very intelligent man. But I don't even know what to do with that. And at this point, I am afraid his attitude is going to be of detriment to my mom. Because if he freaks out and storms out, she'll be hot on his heels. Or at least as "hot on ones heels" as she can be at this point. I felt good about my list of questions. I had planned to let everyone else do their talking first, and listen to the doctor. Then ask any of my questions not answered. But now I'm terrified my dad is going to get overwhelmed and thrown off guard at the first little thing. And if he DOESN'T, I'm afraid anything I ask is going to overwhelm or upset him. Can't very well ask him/them to leave the room though! Ugh.
Thanks for letting me vent. Please pray for a smooth visit tomorrow.
Jamie