My mom has a secret

[JenD1214]

So my brothers and I are 30 and 27 years old. We are all moved out of the house and my step-dad is the main caregiver of my mom. Only this weekend my stepd-dad had to work and my brother and I were taking care of her. I was decorating the christmas tree and my brother was sitting with my mom and all of sudden she told us that my step-dad choked her. She said that whenever no one else is there he is mean to her. She said that he threatend to punch her and kill her. My brother and I were furious. We asked her if she wanted to get out of there and we could live with her and she could leave my step-dad and she said "NO! I love him! I want to be with him!" She also said she doenst care if he kills her because she wants to die anyways because she hates the way she is. I do not know what to do. My step-dad is normally a caring person that just has an angry side sometimes, but now I don't know if I should take my mom away from him or not. What should I do?

 

[Wings]

Goodness Jen, in my humble opinion i think you need to take that to the police - you may may be feel worthy of herself, life and love if she were in a different environment - i also think she told you for a reason - perhaps underneath shes scared and doesnt really want to die -and certainly not at the hands of your step dad -go to the police -thats a very serious, concerning post.

 

[Wings]

ooops typos - i meant to say your mum may feel worthy of herself...

 

[sadiemae]

Wow, what a horrible situation. If you let him know what she said, it could make things worse, since she doesnt want to leave. But if you do nothing, something worse could happen. I thinl you should contact adult protective services.

 

[ottawa girl]

I would urge you to follow Sadiemae's advice PRONTO. In the interim, maybe you or your brother can stay over with her?

(Is your Mom suffering from dementia? Protective services would/should also investigate that possibility)

 

[asantiago]

A woman who stays in an abusive relationship is codependent. Recovery from codependency takes YEARS most likely way more time than your mom has. If she loves him and wants to be with him, interjecting and forcing something she doesn't want is going to upset her more than it is going to help her. When someone chooses to stay in an abusive relationship, only THEY can make the decision they don't want to be in it anymore.

How long do you think she has? Months? Years? I think that would change how you should deal with it.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with that on top of everything else. My mom's live in douchbag boyfriend was emotionally abusive to her but she was so in love with him it was disgusting so I really know how you feel. Its a horrible situation to be in.

 

[skipper66]

I agree with Sadiemae's advice. Protective services should investigate. Do Not Confront Him With Her Allegations! It would definitely make things worse if he is abusing her. Please stay with her as much as possible until something is resolved. She wouldn't have confided in you if she wasn't scared and deep down wants help. Call the police is necessary.

 

[vickim]

Just speculating here, but maybe she stays with him so she is not a burden to you. I would say you and your brother should have a real heart to heart with each other and then talk to your mom, based on the out come of your discussion. Parents don't like having to depend on their children for help. I wouldn't let it go on too long before I got some kind of offical help. Could it be that the step dad is frustrated and tired and needs help or a break? Not trying to make excuses for him.

 

[Ms. Pie]

If she truly wanted to stay with him she wouldn't have told you that he was abusing her. I think her confiding in you is an outcry and she wants you to save her in some weird way.

 

[Katie C]

I totally agree that you need to bring in the police or some other outside party. But I'm going to throw out another question (actually a couple of questions). Has your mom ever in their marriage mentioned abuse before? Has she shown any signs of dementia with her ALS? I'm not by any means saying don't believe her but there is paranoia associated with FTD so if she's shown any signs of it (especially if she has bulbar onset) then it's another factor that must be figured in when trying to get to the truth.

 

[JenD1214]

Hey everyone...thank you so much for your advice I have been taking it all into consideration and discussing it with my other family members. My brother and I came up witha plan that she could live with him and his wife and Ic ould also move in to help take care of her. My brother went over today and my step dad had to go shopping. He sat down and I called in on speaker, and she begged us to let her live with him. She said that it is not as bad as it seems, and that she was just mad at him for being mean to her. She thinks he is just very frustrated, and I understand why he feels this way. We talked to my mom about not over-asking him questions when he starrts to seem frustrated and we told her that if she really wants to ask for something she can call one of us and we will be here in a second. That way he doesn't always have to be the one she calls for help. The problem with them is that they have always been so codependent on each other and they have a history of having some bad fights when my mom wasn't sick. We are going to tell him that if he is feeling frustrated that he can call one of us. He works all day and my mom has a nurse that takes care of her during the day. Then the rest of us help out on the weeknights and weekends. He is a very stubborn person and will not seek help for all of his frustrations. He has a bad temper. So I think we are just going to let her stay wiht him (as she wishes) because I am afraid to take her away from him because then she may die from a broken heart. We are going to to keep an extra eye on what he is doing and how she is feeling. If she says this happens again, then I think we may try to call for extra help. I think that this is just one of the hardest decisions to make, I cried my eyes out last night because I just feel like on top of everythign else we have this going on. I am going to pray that he finds some kind of stress relief that he can use to help him cope instead of being mean to her. She says that he is not mean to her all the time and that she really does feel safe being with him. I hope we are making the right choice to let her stay.

 

[skipper66]

It sounds to me that he is beyond stressed out with everything and makes poor judgement calls because of it. Does he intentionally want to hurt her? In my opinion, No way does he. But, you still need to protect her. So, please try to give him more breaks if possible so he can get more rest. I have a terrible temper myself and if I'm tired it can really esculate. Just keep the communication lines open with your mother. Is there some code word or anything she can use to let you know if she's scared when she calls you concerning his behaviour? Kim

 

[JenD1214]

I like the idea of having a code word....i will def. set that up with her. We are going to continue to give him more breaks as much as possible. Thank you!

 

[Sadieotis]

Dear Jen...I am new to the forum, so I haven't read your previous posts. Living in Phila as you do are you using the ALS Clinic at Penn Hosp? If you are then why not ask the social worker there. She has already been invaluable to us, and she is very responsive. She might be able to advise you of any possible legal complications in separating your Mom from your step-dad, if you decide to go that route. With all the love you show for your Mom I believe you will do the right thing. I hope this helps.

 

[laurel]

Jen your situation is a very difficult one. One consideration is how you will deal with guilt if he does choke her to death and you haven't reported the situation to anyone? I'm a retired RN, and from all my years of nursing and seeing many situations such as the one you describe I would report your information and concerns to her family doctor or a social worker at the A L S clinic that she attends. Yes, it will be uncomfortable for you to do this, but someone outside the family circle will have a more objective perspective. Family is always too close to see all aspects clearly. Your mom obviously has some fear or she would not have told you her secret. When you speak to an outsider person you can make it clear that you want to add enough support to make a difference to them and that you believe your step dad would not actually harm her but you want to ensure that you have called the situation correctly. Doesn't life stink sometimes? Sending hugs and lots of empathy and sympathy for your situation.
Laurel