Frustrated and sad

[Compass Rose]

Feeling frustrated and upset and just need to vent. In short, my family has been talking with my brother about him coming to the west coast and spending Christmas with us. It would mean the world to my mom and lf course i want him to come as well. He has lived on the east coast for 18 years and come home for Christmas with hi wife only once in all that time. Every other of those 18 years have been spent with the SIL's family. She gets to see her family every Christmas, he never does, and my parents never get to spend it with my brother or see their granddaughters over the holidays. This has seemed unfair to me for a long time.

My brother was planning to come out over Christmas and the SIL initially seemed to be okay with him coming alone and them doing Christmas either before or after that (they wouldn't all come because it would be very expensive).

But my brother has been hemming and hawing about booking a flight and now tells our mom that his wife is giving him a guilt trip about being with their daughters on Christmas morning. My mom is hurt and upset, feeling that the SIL isn't being sensitive about his needs, which in turn is upsetting to me.

I fear that this bodes very poorly for interactions with her in the future, as my brother's caregiver. And it hurts me to think that maybe she's being selfish and not putting his needs first. I worry that a wedge is going to be driven between the SIL and my family. It just makes me really sad. It feels like he's already slipping away. I know it's probably irrational to think that, but that's how it feels.

Just feeling sad about all of this.

 

[vzandt]

Maybe your brother could come a little earlier (or later) and you can have your Christmas then. That way your brother can still spend the holiday season with all the family. If you call and ask him it takes away his quilty feelings about being with you guys at that time. Hes probably being pulled in two directions. Tell him the most important thing is being able to see him. It would be cheaper to travel at a different time to.

 

[panguinjen]

Vzandt is right! Have Christmas at a different time, sooner rather than later... We always spent Christmas with Rog's family and I would go see my family after Christmas with Melissa. Not perfect, but it worked... I think what's important is that your parents see him and he they before he can't travel... Holidays tend to have these huge expectations wrapped around them that make it difficult for you to enjoy your time together...I hope you can work this out!

Jen

 

[WellsRuby]

Agree with the two post in that it can all be accomplished with a visit early in December and then home for Christmas. Bottom line is that you will have a wonderful visit with your brother and he will be guilt free. Good luck and hope it works out for everyone.

 

[asantiago]

I like that idea a lot - of having it early. I also always try to see things from both sides. Now I don't know either of you so can't say for sure but when I read it I did think of this..... If Christmas is important to her and her family and is a long standing tradition, then she is probably thinking that this could be their last one together and its probably really important to her.

Christmas morning with my children is a very special thing to me and I would want my husband there regardless if it could be our last together. She is very possibly just as upset as you are thinking you are the one trying to take something away from her that is precious and since you traditionally haven't made it a priority to spend holidays together why take her potentially last one from her.

Its a tough situation but before you have her pegged as evil and selfish try to consider what she's facing. She too is scared, and dealing with a lot.

I hope you come up with something that will make everyone happy.

 

[momap53]

My family laughs, but I think nothing of moving National Holidays to suit our needs.

 

[Compass Rose]

Thanks for the input, everyone. I appreciate it.

Asantiago, you are probably right. It's probably very important to her to have her kids and husband there on Christmas morning and she might be thinking they won't have many more of those opportunities. My mom is upset because they've only come out once for Christmas in 18 years, but that's probably because my brother is so easygoing and didn't push for it.

It's probably less of a big deal for us to celebrate Christmas before or after than it is for my brother to be with his kids Christmas morning. We can be flexible. I was just feeling frustrated and sad last night. It pains me greatly to see our mom upset.

Thanks for your thoughts. I so appreciate this forum.

 

[skipper66]

Hi Compass Rose,
I very well understand your sadness today. I am feeling it too. I am 46 and my father has ALS. Prior to his diagnosis which was this spring I hadn't never went longer then a week at a time without seeing my father. He now is currently living with my sister and her family in Dallas because they have a ALS clinic and we have nothing in our small town. My dad was a big part of my families life. He was over every morning and took the kids to school because he like too. He went to all their sporting events etc. This disease has stolen my dad from us. I am jealous that he is now near my brother and sister who live in Dallas about 10 minutes from each other. My mother died 15 years ago from colon and breast cancer. So, I have no family on my side here except my husband and kids. I feel my dad is drifting away from us. Today, I was angry at him an accused him of not caring about us anymore. I'm angry then I cry. Dad was my rock. I talked to him about everything. Now I have to be careful what I say so it doesn't worry him. I'm so sorry I'm rabbling on everyone . I'm just having a really bad day and I hate this blankety blank disease.

 

[Compass Rose]

Oh Kim, that must be tough. It's so hard to be away from your loved one with ALS. My brother lives about 3,000 miles from me and I feel so separated from him. I think about him all the time and wonder how he's doing, what kind of day he's having, if he's sad, how much the weakness in his hands has progressed since I last saw him. And I realize that these are the good times. I wish I could see him more and enjoy them with him, before things really start changing.

Your dad sounds like a very caring man who loves you and your kids. I'm sure he cares about you in the same way, even though you don't see him as much. Your hurt and sadness is completely understandable. Of course you would miss him.

This disease is so hard on everyone involved.

 

[10steps]

Hey CR, i'm going to start with I'm also a transplant from the West coast to the East coast. The last time I was home for X-mas, I was 21. I'm now 43. This will be the 1st x-mas my daughters spend with my parents - they are 19 and 17. We didn't avoid x-mas with them, it just didn't work out for many reasons.
Anyway, I'm not sure where your brother's progression is BUT there may be reasons that can make a trip more painful than enjoyable. Everyone's progression is different but based on our experience, a trip we bought tickets for in Sept. was very difficult to do by the end of November. It was extremely stressful - I'm glad we did it but it was nothing like I imagined and it caused him a great deal of anxiety. Don't know what applies in your case - just throwing it out there.
My In-laws really pushed x-mas and they live 30 minutes away so we always jsut stayed. My BIL was trying to make me "promise" that i'd be here for x-mas and I flat out told him no. I think my parents and family have waited long enough. My husband's family is closer to me than my own - just the way it is.

 

[Compass Rose]

Hi 10steps. My brother is in the early stages of ALS - still working, driving, walking, etc. I know things could be very different next Christmas, so my parents and I really want him to come this year. I hope if he got an airline ticket now that things wouldn't change much before December, but realize nothing is guaranteed.

The "long enough" part is why my mother is upset about this. She feels it's really unfair that my brother has only spent one Christmas with us in the past 18 years, and really wants him to come this year. Of course, my SIL wants him there too. I'm hoping we can do an early or late Christmas as a compromise.

 

[Barbie]

I may be a dissenter-- but he may not come for Christmas for other reasons--dont blame his wife. And, she is right--he is dying and his own child should come first. She needs memories with daddy more than the parents do. PLus, Christmas is so so so stressful even if you are healthy--the trip should be scheduled before the holidays so it is not so tough on everyone.

His parents love him and want to see him--why does it have to be Christmas? Why cause friction. and really, in all those years--why didn't they fly back east to see him and spend christmas there? Don't make her the bad guy--there are always 2 side to every story.

 

[skipper66]

Compass Rose,
Sending you a hug. You sound like a very caring sister. Hope things work out for everyone in your family concerning the holidays. I don't know yet if I'll even be off work on Christmas since I work the switchboard at the hospital. I'm taking a week off though starting on the 26th. I am hoping to see my dad then. Take care, Kim

 

[Compass Rose]

Christmas is a big deal to my mother, and I think the fact that she hasn't seen him at Christmas for so long is influencing her thoughts about this year.

There are good reasons they didn't fly back east to see him and spend Christmas there, that I won't get into here.

I don't think I'm making her the bad guy at all. If we can do Christmas early or late, that will work. Any compromise discussed so far has been solely on our end.

 

[Compass Rose]

Thanks, Kim. Sending a virtual hug back to you!

I hope you get to see your dad over the holidays.