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tryingtobeafriend

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Jan 27, 2012
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Friend was DX
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TN
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Kingsport
Hi,

My best friend's dad was diagnosed less than a year ago, and he has not been doing well. As much as I care for the whole family, I am desperate to try to be there for my friend, but I don't know how.

She's always tended to hold in her feelings until she implodes unless I pretty much make her deal with things before it gets that bad. Since I went away to college (and she went to one close to home), we've been a little disconnected. When her dad got sick, suddenly I don't think she wasn't talking to anyone about it except the every 2 months or so I came home and worked it out of her. This always ends in her crying. I thought it was good for her to get some of those feelings out, but knowing that I'm leaving my friend raw from crying instead of in denial is pretty painful, especially since I have to leave to go back to school.

I try to get her to go out and see other friends that are still in town, so she's not totally isolated when I'm gone, but she always refuses. I don't expect her to forget about it for a night to have fun, just not to lose sight of the fact that there are some good things to think about when she's sad. I'm out of ideas.

Am I doing the right thing? Am I close at all? Please help. I don't want to fail my friend, and I will do whatever it takes.

Thank you so much for your help and God bless.
 
Being there available for your friend is what is needed. Sounds as if you have that covered. You are a friend!
God bless you...
Kaye
 
She can't help the way she feels. Obviously she has researched what is to come for her father. It will not only affect her father, but affect anyone close to him.

If you can, just be there for her in any way possible, as you have. This journey she is about to travel will be difficult, to say the least...

Thank you so very much for your concern for your friend. She will need you...you just do the best you can to support her. She can't be expected to have fun knowing this beast of a disease is taking her father. I can't even imagine being a daughter having to deal with this!

Love her with all your might and don't turn away no matter what happens!

Thank you for being such a wonderful friend!
 
Let me start with saying you are a good friend.
Its all so difficult. I have 2 daughters and although how they dealt with their father was different for each, not talking to their friends about it was the same.
Hanging out with their friends was an escape - a much needed one. One daughter wrote an essay about how she lost her identity to ALS. She was "that girl" whose father had a horrible disease. no one asked about her, just her dad. Every time she talked with us, her dad would need something and everything would get interrupted. I could go on but you get the picture. Because of her perception and feelings she really didn't want to spend time with her friends talking about her dad, she wanted normal again. She was not happy with herself for feeling selfish and coming to resent her dad, his disease, for how it completely put all our lives in turmoil. When she went away to college she told no one about her dad(he was very advanced) except one roomate -she wanted a normal life.
Other daughter I thought was talking to her boyfriend about it but turned out they never talked about it. She didn't talk to anyone however she interacted with her dad well. She began showing serious physical symptoms of stress that disappeared after her dad passed.

Just keep doing what you are doing. theres a lot going on.
 
This is a tough one because everyone handles chronic illness in the family and feelings of change and impending loss defferently. And lets face it her father has been diagnosed terminal (very hard to wrap your head around) her family dynamics are changing (and will continue to change) and she is afraid to lose her father. There is more than one thing going on. And one thing that I have had to deal with is just when you "get use to" or come to terms with this disease where it is, it changes. Hopefully you can encourage her to attend a group that is for family members of people with ALS or one that is for families dealing with chronic illness or grief. I think it would help her to talk and listen to people going thru the same emtions on a more regular schedule. She may find comfort and look forward to being with people who "understand". You are being a wonderful friend and doing a great job, it does help to say somethings out loud even when it makes us cry. Do your best not to become impatient, unfortunately you cant "fix" her feelings so she isn't sad. But she should know that even when we are going thru something as horrible as this, life goes on and it makes no sense to miss all of it. She may not want to be around alot of people socially (I totally understand that one), so how about shopping, or lunch with one or two other friends that are sympathetic, take her jogging or walking, go to a movie etc. Just distractions that feel somewhat normal. If it were me I think I would send her a card each week while I was away... a really funny one or heartfelt one, just to let her know you are with her, you dont have to write a long note in it everytime... sometimes there just aren't words. Good luck with your friend. I think she is very lucky to have you. I'll pray for you both.
 
A true friend walks in when the rest of the world walks out. Just be there. The feeling of isolation is the worst. Be there, stay connected, involved. God bless you for trying!
 
You're a good friend... keep staying in touch, and go out with her when you're home. Or maybe she can visit you for a weekend and "escape" being "the girl with the Dad dying from ALS"... just be sure to not tell your school friends that her Dad is diagnosed with this, let her decide if she wants to talk about it. Sometimes pretending everything is ok is how people deal with things when they aren't... you can't keep doing that all the time, but it's good to escape if for a short time.

I agree that maybe she doesn't want to be in crowds, she may feel a bit lost. Plan on movies, shopping, beaches, etc. And let her know that if she wants to talk, you're there, and if she doesn't, you still there.

I hope my kids have friends that they can turn to as well.
 
IF SHE IS THE CAREGIVER or if she is a daughter and someone else is the caregiver makes very big difference.
If someone else is the caregiver, then stop pushing her, she doesn't need the stress of someone else telling her to go out and relax.
If she is the caregiver, then stop pushing her, she's busy and will be unGodly busy for many months.

This disease is unlike anything else on Earth. You can't relate to it, no one can. It's not just about grieving. There is no hope of recovery. There's no "look at the bright side." It's entirely really time-consuming hard work, with an inevitable ending. All you can do is hug her: no words can make it better.

In either case, you can A) bring cooked meals, B) do the shopping, C) wash the dishes, D) be there if she asks you to be there.
Sorry. Like I said, this is a very different disease. When the time comes, help her by being at her side at the emergency room, at the lawyer's office, at the funeral home, at the memorial, and addressing the thank you notes.
 
You sound like a good and caring friend...the best thing you can do for her is just be there for her. Rememberyou can't solve her problems no matter how much you want to. just listen to her and let her cry-- you may be her only outlet. even though you are away at school, if you could drop her emails, or cards, or just texts every week, it would be so good for her to know that you are thinking of her.
 
You are such a wonderful friend. Our kids were your age when their dad was diagnosed. We have been surrounded by our friends, which has been a blessing. In the beginning all three of our kids wanted to come home from school and go locally. We convinced them to stay in school and try to enjoy their college years. It was difficult with their friends, because the inevitable is never far from their minds and them being the wonderful friends that they are wanted to cheer them up. :)

One thing to know about the psychological aspect of this disease that might help... Whenever their is a loss of function or change in her dad's function, there is a "mourning" period. The family could feel really down, cry easily for a few days or so, and then start to live their new "normal" again.

I think what helped our kids and their friendships was their friends learned to follow their lead. If they felt like going out to see an upbeat movie, then they went out. If they didn't want to go out, they rented movies and had a group movie night in. Things are getting closer to the end, and they all live at home again plus an add-on... our 2 year old grandson. :) It's not easy, but their friends are a welcome distraction.

I love what Mrs. C said, "A true friend walks in when the rest of the world walks out." Perfectly said!

Good luck, you are truly a "best friend." :)
 
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