Having to say the word

[jwife]

Today at a doctor appointment was the first time I have actually had to say the word, "widow", aloud. The receptionist was reviewing the chart and asked for emergency contact person. When I gave you a new contact, she asked about my marital status. For some reason, it hit me and the tears started. Now I have been in tears off and on all day. It is so surprising at the little things that can cause all the grief to overwhelm you again. It has been five months and it seems like yesterday. I miss my husband so much! And I hate this monster named ALS that robbed him of his dignity and his life.
Janis

 

[HelenL]

Janis, I'm so sorry for your pain... praying that it gets easier for you as some of the awful firsts go by.

 

[LizT]

I can see why that would have been super hard and emotional. Totally not fair to you or your hubby. Im so very sorry.

 

[joni51]

Janis very sorry you had such a tuff day, Hugs to you, remember you are loved here!

 

[Katie C]

Janis it was almost a year before I could begin to update my marital status on things. It's really really hard. Today would have been our 30th anniversary and I still resent the combination of diseases that cut short our memories together. But it does get easiER. Not easy... but less immediately painful. Hang in there.

 

[Pandora]

i feel your pain. I am right there in it to. I busted into tears days ago, when someone asked me if i was married. It sucks. ALS is a monster, and a theif. I am with you.

 

[asantiago]

Awww, i'm so sorry. I remember moments like that. I know its not the same as I have not been widowed but I do feel orphaned. Once (about 6 mos after her passing) I had to sign my moms name for a title transfer and I just lost it, completely lost it in the DMV office. It was packed in there and and I was just a mess.

And now I'm pregnant and sometimes people I don't know well will ask me oh I bet your mom is excited? All those moments are hard.

 

[mytwoboys]

Janis,

It hits us all in so many heartbreaking ways at times when we least expect it - it really can ruin the entire day just when you think you have yourself somewhat pulled-together. Updating my marital status was difficult. Having my late husband's employer send things addressed to him was very upsetting (HR heard about that one).

The worst is my younger son (9) asking if I am going to "...find another parent so you don't have to work so hard..." caught me completely off-guard. I shrugged if off at the time, but it still stings to this day; it reminds me of how much they notice about what is going on around them and how it affects them in ways not immediately noticeable.

Some days these constant reminders just keep coming. He passed away 13 months ago, but I feel like it's harder on me now that it was then. Filing taxes is painful enough, checking the "w" on the marital status box just makes it worse - I guess it was still a blur last year - this year it's causing me much anguish.

Like with so many other things with this stupid disease, you aren't alone. Take care.

 

[cervus]

I'm so sorry, Janis. Thinking of you and feeling for you. Yasmin.

 

[jwife]

Thanks everyone for your kind responses and for letting me know that I am not the only one who is grieving. Your words are such a big comfort to me. There is so much truth in them. That is why I love this forum. You guys & girls get it and understand. It is so difficult for someone who hasn't been there to comprehend. Yesterday afternoon, I said to my son that I was having a hard time and his reply was I have no way to help you except for you to know that he would have suffered so much more had he not passed when he did. My brain is logical enough to know that fact, but my heart still doesn't accept it. Hugs & prayers for everyone!
Janis

 

[tammyg]

I feel ya, I wish that I had just one more day with my dad, b ut like you said; it would have been another day of suffering for him
Little reminders, little reminders all the time. I am an only child so I understand the orphan phase. I never really knew how much I meant to him, til he deid. He saved every birthday card, fathersday card, valentines day card, Easter card and letter (good & Bad) postcards I have ever sent him my whole life. He even has "the Ugly 13 year old picture with the braces" Oh my God I hated that age and that picture.