Feeling like a misfit

[Jason's Dream]

I am feeling like a misfit and lost these days.

If you take our church, for example, I simply do not fit in. I can't go to the young couple's class, there is no ladies class, all the young Mom's avoid me like the plague because I have the weight of the world upon my shoulder, I am not a senior, and the widows do not include me, simply because I am 30 years+ younger then them.

This is how it is in my life as well, I don't fit, I don't know what to do, and yet, everyone is expecting me to have all the answers.

Quite simply, I am soo lost without him.

How can my world be made right, when the person that made it right is no longer by my side?

 

[HelenL]

Oh Honey, you'll find your way throughout it all, and know that he is helping to guide you... it's going to take a lot more time, don't expect too much of yourself right now. I think you're doing great just to function and be able to express yourself here. Is there anyone at your church that you feel comfortable talking to?

 

[Jason's Dream]

Not really. My best friend, was my sweetheart. He was the one I could tell everything to, be me, and it was okay. I have no one like that now.

 

[notgivnup]

Yes you do sweetheart....You have all of us here. I know we are not there in the physical but we are here, real live people ready will and able to help support you at this difficult time. We are all ears, so to speak, and we can listen and offer hope and our prayers. We are here for you when you need someone to talk with always. ((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

Praying for Comfort in your heart and Peace to surround you.

 

[brooksea]

Becca, I can only tell you that though you seem lost and can't seem to find a fit, you will eventually find your way. Your little ones will be following you, as well.

As always, we are here and send virtual hugs to you and your children. I hope you know we all will support you however we can.

 

[caro]

I am so moved by your post and I send you a heart~felt hug.
I also believe that he is guiding you, as is God, and that you will find your way
and supportive people! I am sorry that you are feeling lonely. Your love is so
evident and moving! Sending you a prayer and healing thoughts.....
love, Jayne

 

[Katie C]

Becca... Are you talking to Jason? One thing that comes up time and again in my widows support group is we ALL...every last one of us... talk to our husbands. It's ok to tell him what's on your mind. It's ok to get mad...at him for leaving you behind, for having to deal with stuff on your own, ALL those things. It's ok to tell him funny things the kids did during the day. It's ok to talk to him in your heart, or out loud. If anyone tells you it's not ok, they're the one with the issue. And sometimes...if you listen carefully... you just might get an answer. Not always.. but sometimes.

 

[KKay]

I waited 26 years + what felt like four lifetimes to meet my husband Tom. I cannot imagine life without him and choose not to think about it most of the time. Although what you are talking about in your post, I have quite a bit of experience with. "Fitting in" my friend, is a state of mind. Your mind. Wherever you go be yourself. Quite frankly, no one expects you to have all the answers just because your husband died from ALS. They may be trying to connect with you and give you comfort by asking you about your experience, but they have their own lives and troubles. Appreciate that. And if (like me) there is nothing you want to say. Change the subject, say "I prefer not to talk about it right now. Tell me what you have been doing lately." And SMILE. A helpful hint, think about a few topics that you feel good talking about before you are in front of people and when things are going in a direction that is uncomfortable change the subject. And from personal experience I can tell you, you do not need a "segway". Just do an about face and change the subject. No one will criticize you for not wanting to talk about yourself. Concentrate on your children and your Faith. Forget about trying to figure out what other people expect from you! Every time you see someone make it a point to put a smile on their face, and you will be on the road to feeling better. Be true to yourself, but not selfish. Good luck, I know your travels are not easy.

 

[Atsugi]

A CALS is never a misfit. You're stronger and braver and you accomplished more in your daily life than any other ten women in your church.

The other women are lost. THEY don't know what to say. THEY're afraid to open up, because you've done things they can't understand.

So ask yourself: What's it like to be the most capable woman living on an island?
What a moment! You DON'T live an on island, do you?
There are plenty of other people who can happily enjoy your company without being intimidated.
Time to add some new friends to your circle. Go new places. Go to school, a gym, a new coffee house, book club, Toastmasters, work at a political party.

One thing I would advise AGAINST: Spending more time doing what you're doing, whether at work, at church, or at home.

 

[jwife]

I wish that this forum had a dislike button. Some well intended comments aren't always reasonable. The Bible also tells us that is a time for mourning. That time is different for everyone and should be respected as we all grieve in our own time and way. Becca, you will find your own way and time to heal. Don't be forced into trying to fit someone else's mold. A good friend once told me that grief was like a pair of glasses. When you first put them on, they don't seem to fit and they are bothersome, but if you persist and continue to wear them, they become a part of your everyday routine. That way they are more acceptable. Eventually they are a part of you. It is a pretty good analogy for down the road, but now when grief is so new, it doesn't help much.
Thoughts are with you, Becca, as you adjust to your new life as widowed mom of two young children. Hoping that you are able to find a few bright spots in each day. You have two beautiful reminders of your love with Jason. Your children will grow and you can watch the little bits of him live on in them.
If you are like me, the days are long, but the nights are longer. Sleep seems to be something else I've lost to ALS.
Janis

 

[Miss]

Becca,

Does your church have a grief recovery / sharing group? I think you will find that, although everyone's grief journey is unique, you will have a lot in common with the women who have lost their husbands. I was lucky that a grief share group began at my church 3 weeks after Terry died. Although I am younger than all of the other women save one, we have been able to support each other in many of the same ways the CALS on this forum support each other. Each of us walked a different path with ALS, but overall we understand one another.

As KatieC said, we all talk to our husbands. I spent over 22 years talking to Terry about my feelings, my day, our children, our life. I certainly cannot stop now.

 

[Barbie]

Becca, do not give up trying but also do not try too hard to fit in. you are special and unique and have been through something that very few people will ever go through. No matter what others say--your mourning will need to be at your pace whether it takes one year or 3 or 5.

I agree though with astugi, I think you need to look outside the box for your new life--I remember it never seemed like you fit in at church before Jason died so why are you trying to make that a comfort now? either find a new church or find new activities. You don't have to do what others expect of you-- you are a strong woman who was a CALS and that my friend is one hell of a tough row to hoe. you did that wih tremendous grace and strength.

I hope you are seeking counseling not with your minister but with a grief therapist. This is a very hard time for you but I have faith in you. remember we are all your friends here and love you!

 

[brooksea]

I remember it never seemed like you fit in at church before Jason died so why are you trying to make that a comfort now?

I agree with Barbie. I would definitely look elsewhere for support. It doesn't seem to be helping you to attend the current church, so perhaps you could look for a young widows support group in your area. Although they may meet at a church, it's just a meeting place. Sometimes fresh faces can provide new perspectives.

I hope you have someone that is willing to babysit for you so you can take time to share your grief.

 

[Miss]

Boy do I agree with CJ and Barbie. If you weren't comfortable in your church prior to Jason's death, why would you possibly be comfortable now. Time to find a new church! In fact, sounds like it is long overdue!

 

[joni51]

After my first husband passed, I too went to a church that I did not attend, but they had a wonderful grief support group, of course I was the yougest, at 39. WE would meet somewhere different once a month and catch up, young or old, we were all grieving.