Atsugi
Moderator emeritus
- Joined
- Jan 11, 2011
- Messages
- 5,921
- Reason
- Lost a loved one
- Diagnosis
- 12/2010
- Country
- US
- State
- FL
- City
- Orlando
A lot is said about "CALS need to remember to take care of themselves."
The implication is that you need to keep up your strength so you can properly care for your PALS.
But that is only part of the truth.
As much as I care about my PALS, and hope to help some other PALS, I must admit that I can't even pretend to know what is on a PALS mind.
And frankly, I hope that I'll never truly personally understand the PALS experience.
But CALS also have very real concerns. Like it or not, we have to think about our own issues.
How do I get a role model for my boy/girl? Losing the breadwinner? How much of the insurance for our kids college, and how much for me to live on? Should we move away to avoid the painful memories? Should we stay here for the kids' stability? Am I still a part of my spouse's family, once he dies? Shall I observe our anniversary in a special manner? Should I encourage the kids to follow mom's old rules of the house, or shall we move on and invent totally new rules of the house? Should I remarry? Can I attract a new mate? How? When? Can I afford to live without a new breadwinner? These are solidly serious issues.
Then of course, we need to ensure the Advanced Directives, Social Security, and Trust Funds are set up properly.
The reality is: We are the ones who have to bury them, so we need to discuss frankly how to do that. We need to be able to imagine our lives without our PALS without being criticized for it.
CALS DO have the right to feel sorry for ourselves. CALS DO have the authority to plan selfishly for ourselves and our family. CALS DO have the responsibility to tend to their own sanity, for their own sake.
(And I know for a fact that my PALS would 100% agree with me on this.)
Although PALS are concerned about their family's life after ALS, they will not actually walk in our shoes! CALS should have a safe place to discuss her post-PALS world without having to tip-toe around the sensitivities of those who will not face the challenges of the post-PALS world.
The implication is that you need to keep up your strength so you can properly care for your PALS.
But that is only part of the truth.
As much as I care about my PALS, and hope to help some other PALS, I must admit that I can't even pretend to know what is on a PALS mind.
And frankly, I hope that I'll never truly personally understand the PALS experience.
But CALS also have very real concerns. Like it or not, we have to think about our own issues.
How do I get a role model for my boy/girl? Losing the breadwinner? How much of the insurance for our kids college, and how much for me to live on? Should we move away to avoid the painful memories? Should we stay here for the kids' stability? Am I still a part of my spouse's family, once he dies? Shall I observe our anniversary in a special manner? Should I encourage the kids to follow mom's old rules of the house, or shall we move on and invent totally new rules of the house? Should I remarry? Can I attract a new mate? How? When? Can I afford to live without a new breadwinner? These are solidly serious issues.
Then of course, we need to ensure the Advanced Directives, Social Security, and Trust Funds are set up properly.
The reality is: We are the ones who have to bury them, so we need to discuss frankly how to do that. We need to be able to imagine our lives without our PALS without being criticized for it.
CALS DO have the right to feel sorry for ourselves. CALS DO have the authority to plan selfishly for ourselves and our family. CALS DO have the responsibility to tend to their own sanity, for their own sake.
(And I know for a fact that my PALS would 100% agree with me on this.)
Although PALS are concerned about their family's life after ALS, they will not actually walk in our shoes! CALS should have a safe place to discuss her post-PALS world without having to tip-toe around the sensitivities of those who will not face the challenges of the post-PALS world.