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jwife

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Jul 10, 2010
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163
Diagnosis
05/2009
Country
US
State
Alabama
City
Lincoln
Today was my first Christmas in 43 years without my loving husband. He lost his battle with ALS in August. I have to say this has been one of the hardest days of my life. I do not believe that I have ever felt so alone. I couldn't face the large family gathering so I had a quiet lunch with my son, daughter-in-law and 2 granddaughters. Even that couldn't keep the tears away. Spent time in the rain in the cemetery but could find no peace there either. I can only imagine how others must feel. Death comes to all of us, but ALS is such a monster. I will be glad for tomorrow to come. Maybe there will not be so many tears. I would give anything to have him still here. And I would try so hard to be a better caregiver, because I now know that it isn't the physical support that one needs as much as it is the emotional support. He was my stabilizer.
My sincere sympathy to those you have walked in or are walking in my shoes.
God Bless!
Janis
 
Janis,

I know exactly how you feel. I lost my husband in August, too. I spent time in the cemetery yesterday. My children are 17 and 20, so I put on a brave face today. My thoughts are with you.
 
all i can offer is a hug
 
Love you Janis and Missy. Hope today is better.
 
Dear Janis

This was my 3rd Christmas without my George. It gets better and the children really make the big difference. He would not want me to cry and mourn so much, so for that reason I go on. We were married 36 years and he was and will be my one and only. I cannot wait to see him in heaven and look forward to seeing him restored to full health! For that day I live each day now to the fullest.
I will miss him each day until the day I take my last breath.

Will pray now for your broken heart.

Patty
 
You poor baby! I hope today was better for you, and next Christmas will be a little brighter for you. love ya
 
Blessings to both of you..
 
August was my month, too.

I was mortified prior to Christmas. Totally in fear of it.
But my kids insisted on staying home, doing the whole tree and ham dinner thing.
It worked well.

There IS life after ALS. I hope you find it next Christmas.
 
It was my first holiday season without Bob, too. He also passed away in August. It was the saddest and most lonely I have ever felt. The worst was looking at pictures taken on Christmas day with my girls and my sister, her husband and son. Bob wasn't in any of them. This "mourning" thing sure doesn't feel right. It's strange how one can feel completely lost inside with no real sense of being at all. I miss Bob all the time, in everything I do, see or feel. I know one day the pain will lessen but for now, it hurts. We've been here together several times (we're in San Francisco until the 3rd) and that provides some comfort but also creates feelings of loneliness. I understand all of your feelings of loss right now. Yasmin
 
Yasmin, Thank you for posting. It does help to know that you are not the only person who is mourning. Our husbands passed away with a few days of one another. I, like you, will miss him for the rest of my life. I know that the holidays will probably be the worst. My oldest granddaughter is pregnant, so the opening of the "baby gifts" was the only bright spot in the day. The holiday has passed and now I have to get busy taking care of the practical things like selling some real estate, trying to get one pension started and the mundane everyday things of life. I cannot imagine my life ever being the same. Of course, I am old so it really won't ever be.
I hope that you can make the best of your situation. We tell ourselves that they are in a better place and no longer suffering, but that doesn't seem to be okay when I just want to share something with him (like he didn't know that we were going to be great grandparents). My thoughts and prayers are with you. Again, thank you so much for sharing!
Janis
 
It was my first one too, and boy did it suck. Never felt more alone or more misunderstood. My family, treating me like a child, thinking I should "come out of it soon", "bullying" me to try to get me to take some of the work load, when my heart clearly wasn't there. I hated going to the store to hear people wish me a "merry this" and a "happy that". What was so merry about it? My world has ended and all I want to do is lay down and die right beside him. As it was, William was sick, and so at times he just wanted to curl up and sleep on me. I did go to his grave, place some gold butterflies upon his grave, with another love note. I miss him soo. No one could ever have prepared me for how great a loss, great an ache, great a devestation, this would be. My heart longs for him soo.
 
I know what you mean Becca. I cannot believe how much I miss Terry. No one ever could have explained the feelings to me.
 
And for the record... yes, mourning SUCKS! The grief therapist has warned me that because of the trauma of Glen's lengthy mental as well as physical decline, along with the fact that I lost so many family members in that 8 month period... grieving was going to be a much longer process for me. This was actually my second Christmas without Glen and in some ways I found it to be worse. Because people expect me to be "over it" I spent much of it alone. All those "church friends" have vanished in the mist, and unfortunately the friends that do get it live hundreds or even thousands of miles away. Not a lot of fun.
 
When my father died (also in August), a good friend of mine warned me that the 2nd Christmas for her mother was far worse than the first. The first Christmas was a bit surreal. The 2nd Christmas was the stark reality that he would never be there again. I found this to be the case for my mother when my father died. I am prepared for this same experience. This Christmas was a bit surreal as was Thanksgiving. It seemed as though I floated through them with bouts of stabbing pain.

As this New Year's Eve approaches, I am struck by the horror that Terry will not live in the year 2012. For some reason, I find this harder to deal with than Thanksgiving Day or Christmas Day. Those were just a day. This is a year and all years to come. That's just too much to wrap my mind around.

I find comfort in Matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
 
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