I am so sick of my Kids!

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Barbie

Extremely helpful member
Joined
Dec 29, 2007
Messages
2,681
Reason
Lost a loved one
Diagnosis
01/2007
Country
US
State
FL
City
orlando
I am so sick of my kids! They are so self-centered and oblivious to what their dad and I are going thru. Yes, they are teens and young adults so yes I understand their behavior is normal--but ALS is not a normal situation!

4 kids ages 15 - 22, and not one of them will step up to the plate to do ANYTHING with out begging and reminding and arguing. I really do not ask that much of them considering the situation but apparently anything is too much in their book.

I am dreading Christmas--more work on top of too much work. I wish I could run away...
 
Barbie,
I am so sorry for what your feeling right now. Yes teens and young adults can be self absorbed. I can totally relate to your feelings. I feel we should not have to ask for help all the time, why can't they see what's going on. And how much help we need. My family hasn't got a clue either. I don't know what it takes to get them to want to help without demanding they do so. I wish I had words of wisdom to offer, If I did I would use them also. I will keep you in my prayers, maybe someone will whisper in their ears. This is my hope for you, and that things will get better with a little time. Hugs

p.s Cancel Christmas...:)
 
Canceling Christmas is a great idea. If I had kids that were misbehaving, not helping when asked, I would make THEM do Christmas day. If they are too lazy, then it just wouldn't happen.....
 
Hi barbie,
My dad had ALS, he sadly passed away in June. My mom was his primary carer and she didn't handle it very well. I helped out every single day after work and was there on all of my days off from morning until my dad was in bed. My mom didnt see any of this and yelled at me every opportunity she got for being useless. I'm not suggesting for one minute that it is the same situation in your house. I just want to make sure that your family doesnt get torn apart like mine did. When dad passed i was so angry with my mom for being mean to me, for upsetting my dad as she constantly complained about how difficult it was for her to look after him, for not acknowledging anything that anyone did for her. I think her anger was a way to block out the pain of losing her husband.

Your kids sound to me as if they might be in denial. Maybe they might benefit from seeing a councellor? It helped me so much and it will help them to see all that you do too. Just dont forget that this is happening to them too. I'm not taking their side. They SHOULD be helping you. They'll regret not helping their dad. Sit them all down and give them a reality check. They dont know how long they have left with their dad. Every second is precious. That's the rule i lived by for the 20 months my dad was sick. I gave up my friends, spending time with my fiance, going out, and you know what? i dont regret a second of it. I became so close with my dad. I learned so much from him in that time. Don't let anger consume you. Treasure every ssecond with your husband. Tell him that you love him every day. He's fighting the good fight every day and that should be the only fight he has to worry about.

I hope this isnt preachy, i've just come out the other side and i dont want your family to make the same mistakes or have the same regrets as us.
 
I'm a PALS not a CALS so I haven't walked in your shoes. Also, I'm still pretty independent. That said, I really don't want my daughter to have to deal with this. She knows, but we don't dwell on it. I want her to have funny, happy memories of me. I'm lucky to have a devoted husband Who does anything for me that I can't do for myself. When the time comes that it is too much for him, I hope we can hire some help. Maybe have your kids do fun things with their dad like watch movies, share music, video games- things they like to do. You can rest while they're just spending time. For me, time with my daughter sharing the things she is interested in mean so much. I do understand your frustration and kids don't often deal with these things well, but maybe they shouldn't have to. (((((hugs)))))
 
Like Lizzie I'm a pals too and independent at this point. I would hold a family meeting and voice your concerns. I would give each one a job to dofrom taking out the garbage to hanging out with dad.
 
So sorry the kids aren't taking some initiative. They're certainly old enough to pitch in. With all the expenses that go along with this demon not everyone has the ability to hire help for caregiving let alone household chores. Sit them all down and tell them how you're feeling. Keep Christmas simple this year.
 
Although you are doing all the work, your kids are going through this too and I doubt they are oblivious as much as it seems that way. I have 2 in the same age grouping and I tell you there were times I was ready to put them through the wall! Honestly, I had similar difficulties. My daughter wrote an essay that was very eye opening, a different perspective from what I had as a parent and spouse caring for my husband. There is no "right" way to deal with this disease. My advice is to give exact direction as to what will be helpful...good luck
 
Sounds like a family meeting is in order. As the CALS you don't need that added stress. You need to be brief, but be clear as to what you EXPECT of each of them. Ask no favors, but rather designate evenings, duties, hours. And don't ever, ever forget to schedule your own personal "me" time. I have recently learned how important that is. One little added piece of advice: make sure your PALS is on board with you. A family effort is the best approach. On the flip side, ther are those too soft hearted to handle it. Be appreciative of what ever they can give and don't ever put them down for it.
 
I feel ya. Kids today do not want to do anything unless it is something in it for them Mine (16+18) good kids. lazy always will to bend over backwards for anyone but us, and always have their hand out. They have to understand that you guys need their help though. I am getting ready to pay their friends to do some work for me. I hope this will make them feel stupid, and I can tell them I don't have any money because I had to pay it to your friends:)
 
Hi everyone! I think I was having a thanksgiving overload! All comments were very good advice--and all things I have already done. I had the 3 younger ones in therapy, have divided up the chores and given them specifics, talked till I was blue inthe face and even sent them a 4 page email detailing what I needed and what was making me crazy. I got no where.
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Don't get me wrong, they are really good kids and they do alot more that most kids their age. I try not to have them help with the physical work with dad unless I absolutely need them and only ask that they help with the house chores (duh). They will not sit and watch a movie with their dad or spend anytime with him, and love to roll eyes or huff when asked to do anything extra that is not a regular chore. I keep trying to keep it all in perspective--they are teens and most teens naturally avoid family and cling to friends. I guess my problem is I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and wish I had some help.

My oldest kid really pissed me off over thanksgiving which really started all my mad feelings. .. he is 22 and a grown man so he thinks. he is a 5th year senio in college about an hour from our home. He rarely comes home--and when he does he goes up to his old room and plays computer games the entire weekend, sleeps until noon and stays up all nite. he told us this weekend we were boring. Hello! his dad has advanced ALS--we arenot going out partying very often! I suggested he watch a movie with us--he refused. I suggested he pick one he would like--he refused. I suggested we go out to the movies--he refused. I suggested we go Target--he refused. I suggested we take a walk to the lake--he refused. He wanted to fry the turkey for thanksgiving--great! but would not clean up afterwards becasue "he cooked" . uh, I believe there is more to thanksgiving than the turkey! he is technically and mechanically inclined, but will not help me we anything that is broken or not working in the house. I havent askedhim for any help with the house for at least 2 years because of his mean comments to me last time I asked him to help me with a stripped screw that Icouldnot get out of the wall. (i need to learn how to do things myself, he doesnt want to be responsible...). I can hardly believe he is my boy...and I truely believe he will regret his behavior when his dad is gone.

Well, I don't think there is a solution--but I do feel better unloading!



PS: I may complain, but I would not trade my babies for anything and really, they do have a lot of good virtues (I just can't remember them right now)
 
Barbie... I have found that when things get to that point, the "ATM" at Bank of Mom has this nasty habit of not working. Amazing how things can change.
 
barbie it is obvious you are incredibly not mention brave. It makes me so happy to know that you feel safe enough that you feel safe enough to come here and vent. I believe you are right, your son will regret his beahvior. My only advice is to be direct. Ask him, why does he refuse to do his share, if he does not want to do the things you suggested what is it he wants to do? Force hime to face the fact that when he picks an activity he must be considerate of his Dad's condition. Just lay all your cards on the table.

The truth is there is no easy answer but you already know that. As always the best advice I can give is stay strong and keep the faith.
 
I'm reading Have a New Teenager by Friday. It's working already! I'm not done reading the book and old habits are hard to break as a mom (yelling, arguing ...), but my son's "not quite teenager" hiney is getting in gear without the stress I had before. I was skeptical when I ordered the book, but so many reviewers said it worked on their kids. I know, I know...when do you have time to read? It's a short book, make time. You will be happy you did. If I was done with mine (the book, not the kid), I would send it to you. Buy it for yourself for Christmas and put in your stocking! Let the kid's see the title! They will wonder what the hell you are up to. It'll be a secret and they will be surprised the first time you put this to use! If they steal the book and read it, they will be horrified that you will take the actions suggested. No arguing, no yelling...just SURPRISE!

As for the 22 yr old: Treat him the same as the rest! He's acting the same as they.
 
Sorry...took me a while to get back...had a major "DUH" moment after I posted earlier. Early 20's and away at college is a prime time for developing depression. My kiddo had a major event his senior year... had nothing to do with his dad, as Glen hadn't even been diagnosed yet. The "What would you like to do?" "Nothing..." conversation could be very telling. Sometimes we can get so wrapped up in how ALS effects everything that we forget about other possibilities. It might be worth getting him in to the doctor for a check up and evaluation. Getting him on some medication could in fact make a huge difference for all of you!
 
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