Old 11-09-2011, 12:14 AM #1 (permalink)
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Default I feel like a traitor!

I realize that this is the place we're supposed to come and feel free to ask questions, vent and rage (which is so amazing), but sometimes I feel like a "traitor" to my husband and our relationship by voicing such "personal" gripe fests! I guess I'm simply frustrated and feel like I'm "throwing my hubs under the bus" by venting. That being said, my PALS is making me want to slap the stew outta him! He's still completely mobile so I'm not feeling so guilty about saying that (at least at the moment==give me a couple of days and I'll probably regret same.) OMG, he's completely surpassing both of our grown daughters in the "they wanna make Ruth scream department". Nothing specific....he's just giving me fits and making me cry! I guess I'm gonna have to step it up, suck it, and find a bigger pair of "big girl pants" to put on! Okay, I guess I've completed treason for the night! Prayers and hugs to all!

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Old 11-09-2011, 12:37 AM #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like a traitor!

Ruth, I am so sorry.I too feel sometimes like I am talking behind my husband's back on here. On the other hand we do need each others support. When we vent on here, sometimes we can go back and do better what we need to do. As for your hubby problems. Sorry but I don't have any advise. Rick and I have gone through that many times in the past. Right now most of the time we are good, but that don't mean that tomorrow we won't be. I am trying to learn to live one day, hour, moment at a time, but it isn't an easy thing for me. Just keep doing the best you can and know there are others here for you.
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Old 11-09-2011, 12:46 AM #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like a traitor!

Ruth, it's OK. We understand. Step away from the window slowly and find a comfortable overstuffed chair. Plop down, find a comfy throw, curl up and take a moment.

It seems when a pALS is mobile they have more opportunity to get into trouble. I know my husband has found lots of things to get into over the years, literally! Going behind them to clean up their "mess" is an ongoing challenge.

Where else are you going to let it all hang out? Nobody understands unless they are going through it. I don't care what they say. You can feel guilty, but as you connect with all the other cALS going through the same, you may get over it as time goes on.

Rummage through his sock draw, find a nice white sock, mark it up with a face, stuff it so it has a head and tie it off. There, you have a cheap dammit doll. Throw at wall as many times as you want!
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Old 11-09-2011, 07:26 AM #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like a traitor!

Ruth, I never could figure out how Bruce Willis and Demi Moore had such problems. Human yes, but
famous and good looking, money, on and on. However, they divided.
Now, you, you have real problems. They will either make you better or bitter. To simplistic, maybe.

Integrity is "Keeping a commitment, when the circumstances of which that commitment was made,
have changed." You my dear, have integrity. Commitment is, "Like a plate of ham and eggs."
The chicken is involved, while the pig is committed. You my dear are committed. Need more?

God's payday isn't every Friday. I need to remind myself of that all the time. Ruth, I like that name.
In the Bible, it means friendship. In your house, and on this thread it means much more.

Be strong, be honest, hold your head high, we are with you!
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Old 11-09-2011, 07:45 AM #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like a traitor!

Ruth I know how you feel, but you have to get it out somehow or you will blow slap up. Think about it, we have always went to our moms, dads, sisters, or friends, and complained about our spouses at one time or another, this really isn't much different. We just all understand because we mostly all have the same feelings..
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Old 11-09-2011, 08:40 AM #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like a traitor!

Let it out Benedict! It does us all good!
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Old 11-09-2011, 09:06 AM #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like a traitor!

Ruth, I think all caregivers have those feelings one time or another. Even when he becomes "less mobil" the frustrations will still be there because you will be responsible for more and more. But, this is the place to vent because everyone here understands your frustrations and has been through them once or twice too!

Hugs to you...
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Old 11-09-2011, 11:04 AM #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like a traitor!

I know its not the same but from one pal to all cals ..... THANK YOU ! By reading your "rants" I've learned a lot about what my wife is feeling and the burdens I put on her.
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Old 11-09-2011, 11:26 AM #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like a traitor!

I agree with Michael totally. At our support group we have talked about the abuse that a pal can give a caregiver without even thinking. I think frustration is a huge cause of most of it, but as pal I try to be aware of the frustration that a caregiver and someone who loves us has to go thru. I don't have any answers other than we are all struggling in our own ways. Feel free to vent anytime. It helps everyone look at themselves and ask, "Is that me, do I do that?"
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Old 11-09-2011, 11:33 AM #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like a traitor!

Ruth,
Okay, so I'm the new guy around here and don't have a clue about forum protocol, history, or anything else for that matter.
That said, here's the way I see it and would feel about my bride venting here... anything ALS-related is fair game; anything personal is out of bounds. I would hope and pray that she could find some helpful tips or simple stress relief here concerning her trials related to this disease. Of course, I don't want her to tell everyone here that I never brought flowers, left my socks on the floor and didn't take the trash out often enough! (I deny those things anyway!)
I don't yet fully realize the burdens you CALS face (but will soon enough), but the burden of marital treason is not yours for coming here. Besides, if you didn't vent here I'd have never heard the expression "slap the stew outta him!" My wife says if I give her grief she'll dress me in pink PJ's and put ribbons in my hair... I'm going to ask her to "slap the stew ouuta me" instead.
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Old 11-09-2011, 03:54 PM #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like a traitor!

I've always found it interesting that usually only one member of a PALS/CALS team participates on most of the ALS-related sites I go to. And, when that one member spends almost all of their time venting about the other one, it makes me wonder sometimes if the wrong member of the pair is getting supported in the joint efforts against this disease.

The best way to avoid feeling like a traitor is to make sure that your PALS has the ability to read your posts for himself by getting him to register an account here and getting him to become an active participant here so he gets the support he needs. Maybe he would change the behavior that frustrates you so if he had access to some of the accumulated wisdom of the long-term PALS here. Sometimes, only another PALS can get through to someone with the right advice at the right time. Not always, but sometimes.

And, before anyone asks, yes, my wife is a member here. She doesn't post and reads only when she feels a need to. I wish she would participate more, but I respect her reasons for not doing so.
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Old 11-09-2011, 05:00 PM #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like a traitor!

I wish I could "like" Jeff's post, more than once. I, too, am stealing "slap the stew outta you!" I may also smuggle the Pink PJs if the need arises.
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Old 11-09-2011, 09:29 PM #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like a traitor!

You know what the good thing is Ruth--we don't really know you and your husband, we don't have to look him in the face at Thanksgiving or you at the office and think what terrible people you are. You are NOT a traitor--we are all in the place you are and we all know that the venting and bad stuff is only a small part of the love and affection and kindness in our homes. Nobody joins a support group because life is so great all the time!

This is a place you are suppose to be safe to let it out girl. so let it out--cause you are AWESoME!
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Old 11-09-2011, 09:41 PM #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like a traitor!

Are you kidding, thank GOD we have a place to vent or else I would be throwing plates at Kevin's head, ALS or not.
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Old 11-09-2011, 11:06 PM #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: I feel like a traitor!

Allen, I so wish my husband would be on this forum, but he refuses. Just like he has refused to go to any support groups. He is very stubborn, and he doesn't "care" about other peoples problems. And Yes, he does have a problem with me being on the forum, but it is one thing I have put my foot down on. I need this group, for support, and mostly for information and guidance. I avoid posting anything too personal, as I have told him he is free to come on here and read my posts anytime, however in two years he never has. There are PALS like you, Barry, and several other men, and then there are PALS like My husband , Missy's husband, Brooksea's husband, ect who want to be private. This world is big enough for all of us. As I have mentioned before, there is a Closed group on F B for caregivers only that is more private than this forum. Any CALS can PM me if you want an invite.


Also, I probably should remove his picture, but I am just so proud of happy he is in it!
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