Status
Not open for further replies.

Iloveocean

Active member
Joined
Jul 23, 2010
Messages
89
Reason
Friend was DX
Country
US
State
Indiana
City
The East
My husband passed away in June at the age of 42 after a life long fight with various diseases. We were married for 13 years. I just turned 40 and realized that all of my friends are at least seven years older than I am and most are fifteen to twenty years older than me. I only have two friends who are around my age and they are both men and married which limits the extent of the relationships. I was kind of in a shock when I realized this. I am not quite sure what to do and where to go to find friends my age and life experience. At this point I am strictly looking for friends. Who will understand someone who is 40 and has taken care of her husband for the last 13 years? While other couples our age were worried about nursing their children we were worried about nursing homes. I have life experience way beyond my years and some people will never get in life where I am right now. I totally feel like I don't belong. Any ideas?
 
First off--remember 40 is young! you don't need to find someone with the same experiences as you--you need to live a little for yourself. How about joining a gym--lots of women your age who are trying to get in shape in all those classes. or just a yoga class or that new zumba. craft stores are also a good place to meet other women--scrapbook classes and cake decorating classes. How about some classes at the local community college? learn a new language? go have some fun and try new things -- you deserve it and your husband would want you live for yourself now.
 
Lenka,

You are a special women. There has been so much work and commitment to your life. You
certainly have a void with out him.

Look for balance. Don't look for someone to take care of, but to be with, friend or otherwise.
Lenka, do you go to church? Not saying you should go just for that reason, however, you
can and will meet both sex's there. That would be my suggestion. If you attend a small
church, look for a bigger one.

I think you would enjoy the pursuit of God and friends. What say you?
 
Our community rec center has tons of adult classes from computers to pottery. Maybe a library volunteer?
 
I do go to church but I have to say my age group is very immature and I don't have anything in common with them. I have tried to connect with them for many years and at this point I am done. I will not change them and they want to be where they are so I just have to look elsewhere.

I have to say I am still very tired so what I can do is limited. After he passed away it feels like someone threw my entire life up in the air and it all came crashing down and now I have to sort it all out. Most of it is very positive sorting out but is is also very exhausting. Many changes in all areas of my life. I was the fulfillment of my husband's needs for all that time and now I need to find out who I really am, how I fit in the society, and where to go from here. It is a very specific place in life which I am actually very grateful for. It produces balance. But I would love to connect with others who understand where I am and the issues I am dealing with.

Thank you for all your kind words everybody xoxo
 
Lenka, Your writing skills coupled with your understanding of who you are and where
you are, will lead you in the correct path.

I would suggest that you do have some things in common with your fellow church members.
Maybe not to the degree of relationship you are in pursuit of, but you do have some
things in common.

Lenka, you are connecting here very well, I would say. Virtual, though it may be, we do
affirm and confirm our convictions in thought for a foundation of action. You seem very
level headed and thought sensitive. You are headed in the right direction.
People need three things. Someone to love, something to do and something to hope
for. You have recognized these specific goals in your life, therefore, you being tired
and seeking refreshment will attain the desires of your heart.

Thank you for your transparentcey. I am 60 years old, maybe not wiser than you
but older than you, so hear me, let that perfect patients work in you and you will
bring to this forum a wonderful recovery story that we all want to rejoice in with you.

Have a great day, for of what lasting value is a good day if it is not also a Godly day?
 
I understand your situtation. 13 years of caring is a looong time. I will be 39 this year and although it may sound cruel sometimes I think about how much life will I have left, and how I may spend it once my partner is no longer here. Of course I know there are no guarantees and I may go before him...

Here in the UK a young widow (probably in her 30s) had set up a support network for young widows. She felt there was a 'gap' in what support (as well as opportunities to socialise) were available for women who are young, have gone through an extremely difficult, intesive or long period of caring, and are looking to rebuild their lives. For me, connecting with this kind of group would be a start, but I really do not know until I am in that situation. Maybe I would withdraw and grieve quietly for a long time, maybe I would riot and get angry.... They say 'little steps'... Something will come round. D
 
What about a grief support meeting, when my first husband passed, I too was 39. Even though they were mostly older than me, they understood. I had a good friend that thankfully I tagged along with her and her husband to lots of places until I finally found my way..Good Luck!
 
I checked out the internet for young widows support groups and the closes one is more than an hour away. That is just too far, plus during traffic it can be more than two hours each way. I will call local hospice today and ask. Has anyone been a member at youngwidow.com? Anyone heard of Widows Wearing Stilettos? Sounds interesting.
 
The support meeting I attended was at a church, also check hospitals. There is a web page I used to go to...It is called widownet. Honestly it is just plain hard!
 
Everyone has wonderful ideas. I just want to say that don't get too hung up on ages. One of my best and fittest friends is 78, I am 50. She is fitter and more lively than my younger friends, we go out for coffee, she drove me to the hospital everyday last year when I was sick. Drove me around, when I wasn't allowed to drive and is my best coffee pal. She is a year older than my mother who is very old!
 
Jim thank you so much for your kind words! I called a local hospice and they have another person my age who lost her husband. They will be starting a group and I will be meeting with them on the 19th. I am thrilled. That does not mean it will work out but at least I feel like I am making progress. I also borrowed Widows Wear Stilettos at the library and will report back on the book. Love you all!
 
I have ALS my husband and I have traveled but I always wanted to take a trip with just 3 other ladies I thought it would be fun and I got to go we went round trip 3500 miles had a great time. We went out west We each one put money in a McDonald coffee cup paid for motel and gas when it got low we would put money in again everybody paid for their own meals. Maybe you could plan something like this. I don't think I would recommend anybody looking on the internet. But I am sorry for your loss and wish you the best in life.
 
Lenka, I think you should read your posts in this conversation as if you were us, the answerers. You might see what I have been able to glean from your petition. First you desire to find friends your own age. Then you admit that you have tried to connect within your social groups only to find that others your own age are immature.

There is one very real outcome from the lives we have lived in such a time-warped fashion: We are wise beyond our years. With that wisdom and our experiences we would be hard pressed to find many - IF ANY - our own age who understand at the same level we do. HERE you will find people you have lots in common with. Out there you may only find people who you share one particular interest with.
Friends may come for a reason, stay for a season but very very few are life-timers.

I agree with alyoop, you mustn't get stuck with the age (number 40). I have many friends who are much younger than me, also many who are older than me -- hardly any who are the same age as me. I am 49 but truly am ageless. ALS has time-warped my experiences to well beyond my physical years, but in my heart I am still 38 -- the age I was before ALS struck Tom. I am 38 because MY time has stopped until I can live again.
 
Lenka, I understand your pain because no one except your fellow forum members understand the journey that you and your husband were on together. My husband is a vet and I thought about volunteering at the VA Clinic when he passes so that I could still stay connected with him in that way. I will travel when my husband's journey is over but right now I treasure each day that we still have together even when they are the hardest days of my life.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top