live-in family support

[epkennedy]

I got a call from my brother the other day - he and his wife (& 1 year old) are willing to move in temporarily to help with caring for our three young boys and do what they can for my PALS. I'm very torn- not sure what I should do. Obviously I need and will speak at length with my PALS but before I do I am wondering if others have had similar offers? Pros/Cons? What did you do to prepare for the transition in care? I understand each family is unique. Right now my brother and I have a fabulous relationship- unlike our childhood relationship. The last thing I need is for that to change right now. I appreciate all thoughts/comments- good or bad. Thank you!

PS we have a guest room already set up - so there would be little to no work in regards to their own space.

 

[dian_na]

you will get lots of help thru VA, if your not get a hold of a rep and you will have. My family in the beginning my brother helped some, very little but some, as mom's ALS progressed and I needed more help he sent his girlfriend here to live. She was good help BUT I couldn't afford her here. When I asked he take over a bill or two, he got angry. It was o nly going to be the water and trash, total 100 every three months. He's a truck driver, and when he would come here his girlfriend would jump and do things for mom like her ass was on fire and my brother said to me, she does more for mom then I do. From that point forward I didn't allow her to help, it just got all ugly and I haven't seen my brother but once since. And my sister and her oldest son was there when mom first got trached, two weeksa after mom came home from hospital, they snuck out in the middle of the night I didn't even know they were gone. LOL I guess mom hasn't died aoon enough for all them, but as of today my t houghts towards my entire family are sooo bad hate is a strong word but this could have been so much easier if they had only taken a couple days a month to do whats right.

I don't k now, their relationship to my mom is closer and a lot more in detail like mo paid all their bills for 10 years and they did this to her. My experience was bad

 

[Ms. Pie]

Do you and your husband and Brother & his wife all get along? When the time comes someone from my family will be here to help Brad all the time. This relieves Brad and me of any anxiety about Brad getting burned out. If all of you have a good relationship then I think that's a great plan. I'm sure you could use the help. Just my opinion.
Hugs,
Marta

 

[joni51]

My son, girlfriend, and two girls, 3, and 6 moved to help. It started out them giving us a cetrtain amount on bills, now it is half that. I am watching the girls most of the time, washing dishes continuously, doing cleaning for more than I want. The only reason I haven't booted them out is because I don't want hard feelings, and with Bruce not talking or really doing anything much as far as communicating with me...I don't want to be here with him by myself..too lonesome. So weigh the pros and cons, and just know it could get ugly as far as expectations go.

 

[Ms. Pie]

Yeah, with little ones it would be a different story. They're lovable and huggable but lots and lots of work.
Hugs,
Marta

 

[susanf]

There are pro's and con's. A little help is better than no help at all. On the pro side, you'll have more time for the kids.

 

[Katie C]

OK, your house is already set up for toddlers/little ones so that's not really an issue. You could finally get some much needed time for YOU! There's a great potential to get your boys on some kind of predictable schedule.

Hmmm... ok, is there a chance that you guys could do a trial run? See how things go for maybe a week or two while your brother and family still have an "escape clause"? Because to me it sounds like it would at least be worth trying. My son and his girlfriend moved in here while Glen was sick... it actually made us much closer.

When speaking with your husband about it, remember that his opinions are likely to be more self-concerned than rational, and that by making things better and easier on you, you will actually be improving your ability to care for him, regardless of his protestations.

 

[epkennedy]

Thanks everyone!

 

[maryhahnward]

If you decide to do it and I can see why you would, you have a lot on your plate, have an honest upfront discussion. Communication is key to this being successful for all of you. Even with the VA help, which can be frustrating in and of itself, having family around could be a great comfort and help you prevent caregiver burnout. Write out your pros and cons with your husband and have your brother and his wife do the same. Then sit down with all four of you and have a frank discussion. This way you avoid getting into that situation where you are each feeling weird bringing stuff up.

I think it is a wonderful offer from your brother and his wife during a very sad and challenging time in your life.

 

[susanf]

Ernesta,
Your husbands opinion is important but you also need to do what is good for you and the kids. Take everything into consideration
Susan

 

[Atsugi]

Yeah, as always, I'm agreeing with SusanF.

Frankly, the survivors are priority.

 

[Pandora]

Be careful of what you ask for. I heard a saying that fish and family last 3 days! I live with my husbands family, and it is LESS then steller. I still do all the work, all the cleaning, all the EVERYTHING. And they get all the "At a Boys" they can handel, and get taken out to lunch or dinner for being such good troopers, and for everything they do, by family members who do nothing. Meanwhile, here I sit, taking care of my husbands every need. Seemed great in theory and all the help was promised, then I was smacked by what it's really like. Not saying your family is like mine, but I didn't think it was going to be "this way"either. Just saying be very careful, roses ore pretty and have THORNS! Just some advice.

 

[epkennedy]

Thanks pandora!

 

[KKay]

I think a trial run is in order. Your bil and sil have one child (1 year old, soon to be 2!) and you have two. There will be a dynamic there that has nothing to do with anyone else. And people can get very defensive about their children. And not everyone raises their kids with the same rules, values or discipline. Tread very carefully, it could go great or be a total disaster.

 

[notme]

My greatest fear is a long-term illness that will make my only living family, my daughter, my caregiver. Not happening.

We all took care of my dad--this was before my brothers passed away--and we didn't have any issues at all.

If you and your brother get along--to be honest--you'll need the help--more because you do have 3 small children to care for as well. Being a CAL is hard on all CALS--even more so when there are children to take care of--and even harder when they are very young.

I agree with the poster that suggested a trial run. If your brother's wife can do nothing more than help with the kids it will benefit you and help you from totally exhausting yourself.

It really does depend on the family dynamic. My heart goes out to you--but I am glad you have had at least the offer of support to fall back on.