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Iloveocean

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Hello everybody,

my husband passed away on 6/16. I have to say, the last six months were difficult. I had been a caregiver for over thirteen years and I had gone past my breaking point day in and day out for all those years. About ten people have told me how worn out and old I look in the past month. Well, outside the fact that these people need to go back to the brain line and ask for some more, I have to admit to myself that yes, I am tired and I look it. I am 39 and I have friends who at 50 look better than I do. My question is, what has worked for you best in the months after the death of your spouse? So far the best thing that worked for me was staying in a hotel with a jacuzzi for two weeks and getting a deathly expensive facial (I had NEVER had a facial in my life before so this was something completely new to me). I try to eat right, I have a really hard time sleeping which I always contributed to the caregiving part of my life but now I don't know if there is more to it than that so I will go and see a sleep doctor. I bought a really nice kayak and try to go out on the water every day which is very calming and a good upper body exercise. Any other ideas?

thanks guys!
 
Keep yourself busy,be good to yourself, and time. I know you will find this out, but let me know if you ever need anyone to talk to ok.
 
I cannot imagine what you've been through....but it is now time for you----enjoy your kayak and take time for YOU. Hugs are sent you're way.

Ruth
 
You might want to re-visit your "hobbies" that you had before all this happened. Maybe just a little at a time. See if you can find enjoyment from them. Sounds like you are off to a good start, already! Or, you could do some volunteer work. Something uplifting, like helping give out food orders at Angel Food Ministries (I see they have them in MA). Balance it all out and make your self feel whole again!
 
So so sorry for your loss hun. I am also a widow (my husband passed away suddenly in 2007 - not ALS) and my father passed away just 6 days before your husband did. My mom and I were both caregivers for my dad, and ohhhhhhhh the last 6 months were absolutely exhausting. It feels pretty strange being only responsible for yourself for a change huh. I just last week went to the dentist about an abscess I've had since last January and (no time to take care of myself, just lived on antibiotics for 6 months) it was so very strange filling out paperwork at check in and it was all about me and not someone else. (I have a very sick 22 year old daughter I am also taking care of - not ALS though) When I left the office, I just burst into tears. I had no idea what kind of effect it had on me until I actually did something for myself. When my husband passed away, I basically lost my mind for 2 years. It was such a shock, I literally "disassociated" from everything. After I got well, and my dad was diagnosed I came here and made wonderful friends. I started to notice how most people grieve, and who was doing better and how they were doing it. The most common thread for those who did well was that they kept busy. They were zombies but went back to work after several weeks. Others did well by making sure you have some structure in your days. A routine. Also, make sure you have something planned everyday if you can. Anything to get you out of the house and into the world. Even if it is a quick trip to the post office. Also, grief counseling is a big big deal. People can get one on one counseling and or find a bereavement group/class. You can find them through the hospitals or just call hospice and they will be able to tell you of something going on in your area. They are basically 1 night a week and they last about 2 months. You will be with a group of people who are going through the same thing. There will be someone there who will be like the teacher and you will be doing certain exercises to deal with your grief and learn more about your own grief. It is VERY important to do when you are ready, and the groups are free. Plus, you will most likely make a lot of new friends with a common bond. Grief, dear heart, is WORK. You are processing your grief 24/7 and it is exhausting. Everyone's grief path is different in how they deal with the loss, but the work you must do to feel better in the future is not to be avoided. Remember to walk straight "into" the grief and not "around" the grief. It is really important to cry as well. If I feel like I am having a good day and maybe I dont need to indulge in feeling sad today what happens is I personally start to feel like I am coming down with the flu. So, I make a note on those days to like revisit the video they made at my dads funeral, or take out the pen I made him that helped him to write and it brings out the feelings and then I feel better. Unfortunately, grief has its own time, and cant be rushed. After all the caregiving you have done you are way way more exhausted than you think you are. (Basically, you are used to be exhausted so that feeling feels normal) Also, talk to someone, anyone, every day if you can. Keeping a journal of how you are feeling is good too because you can look back and be able to see your progress.
One thing you simply must trust is that you WILL feel better again someday. You are going through a type of re-birth in finding out who you are as a single person. The journey through all this is very hard, but in the end you will be happier. The trees will be greener, food will taste better and you will find a new wonderful sense of "self". There are blessings amongst the ashes, believe me!
Please know that you are not alone, and if you ever want to talk I am here for you hun. Just message me okay! Please just know that sometimes because my daughter is so ill, I'm not able to come on here but I will always message you back.
Hope some of this helps hun.
Hugs, Kari
 
Great advise CJ & Kari. For a quick, non addicting fix for sleep take some benadryl. Sounds like you are off to a great start- go easy on yourself. I've been a caregiver for about a year and I feel burnt out. You had many more years as one. One step at a time.

Take care!
Ernesta
 
Give yourself a break! You are doing all the right things. Continue to take good care of yourself. And look for more things you can enjoy. You have been through a long and difficult period in your life. It will take a little while to get back to rights. But you will and you will get to the place were joy will flow through every fiber of your being instead of just sitting on the perimeter blocked by the gravity of the immediate moment. Slowly but surely you will look and feel young again, it has to start on the inside. As for the sleep doctor, be careful. Your sleep has probably been disturbed for a long time and you need to train your body to relax and REM. You will, it just takes a little while. Sleep drugs will do what your body wants to do naturally and prevent it from doing so (but sometimes we all need a little help). I am sorry for the loss of your husband and the difficult journey you traveled together. However, you will go on and you are a young and vibrant woman and you will find your "normal" soon, but not overnight. Good luck and many prayers are going your way.
 
I help my daughter with school homework and read a lot. I haven’t been able to read anything for quite some time because it was impossible to read more than half a page in a row. Now I m catching up big time. I also went back to sport and I am starting to regain some kind of shape.
I know I m not out of the wood but I think that works for me. Reading helps me to focus on something else, exercise help me to relax (should probably help with your sleeping problem). Not being alone helps a lot too but this is not something we can choose.
 
Time. Rest. And don't overlook the benefits of grief counselling. I belong to a widows group run by my grief counsellor and it's a really nice chance to touch base with others going through the same thing, get some instant feedback (mostly in the form of yeah, I'm going through that too, it's perfectly normal) and then with the help of the counsellor, work on coping strategies. For me, it's also a good way to force myself out of the house.
 
My husband is newly diagnosed, but I had a horrible time with the shock of the news. We both went on huge dose anti-depressants. It helps a great deal to take one day at a time, and cope along the way. I don't know what I would do without them! They are non-addictive, and take the edge right off.
We took a vacation as soon as we could. I know it is different from your situation because I was with my husband, but getting away helps a great deal. Our house, what was on tv, being occupied with the thoughts of ALS was difficult so getting out away for awhile helped...yes, we returned to those reminders, but it refreshed us. If you could get away with some friends, family, see new sights, laugh, enjoy shows, eating out, hikes, flowers, birds, ...whatever you enjoy to take your mind away from the pain.
Just before he was diagnosed we purchased a hot tub. What a stress relief!
Invite family over for lunch/dinner. The company and preparation beforehand is great therapy.
Just a few ideas/thoughts, but I agree with the others about counseling. I have a friend who has a group. I'm not sure what they call themselves...grief group, mourning...? but they have monthly meetings and outings to support one another.
God Bless You and know time heals. You will never forget or even stop feeling the pain, but it will be different. Take care!
 
I am so sorry for our loss. I lost my husband May 11 of this year. I find that keeping busy helped me. I enjoy working outside and did a lot of that. The first month well wishers were calling and here every day. A month later I found myself home alone a lot. I decided then and there I had to get down to the business of learning to live as one, instead of a couple. I am 58 years old and had not gone out alone since I was 18. It was hard walking into a friends wedding alone. I did not stay long but was proud that I went. The other thing is pamper yourself. Friends tell me it is nice to see me looking like my old self. It takes time and rest. I also work shift work but am learning how to sleep during the day. Exhaustion helped with that. One other thing that truly helped me was my support system. Both here and my family and friends. Not necessarily to talk about what happened but just a kind voice at the end of a phone. I wish you well in the next chapter of your life and hope you have all that you need to heal. Love and light Gail
 
Thanks for all the replies everyone, I thought about them long and hard and that's why is has taken me this long to reply.
1) I think it's absolutely true that I am more exhausted than I think I am. I was supposed to go camping today but I cancelled because I felt like it was going to be too much work with two barking dogs and awful weather. After I cancelled I was so relieved that I slept for six hours- unbelievable for me.
2) I am definitely going through finding out who I am. I grew up in an alcoholic household and it never dawned on me that some of the choices I made in life were affected by that. Now that I am going through all this introspection I looked online and bought some books on adult children of alcoholics and I am in complete shock as to how my childhood contributed to the place I am in today. My marriage healed many many things but there are still issues I did not even think about because to me they were normal and I did not know any better. The same with living as a caregiver for so long... there are behavioral patterns that were absolutely necessary during my marriage but are not healthy now.... and I need to learn to live and function as a single person.
3) I tried Benadryl but it does not seem to work for me, I just get tired but not sleepy. I don't think drugs are a solution to lack of sleep, what I was worried about was sleep apnea and for that the doctor would have to put me on a bipap.
4) as far as the hot tub- #1 on my Christmas list!LOLOL

thanks guys
 
One important thing I've learned: go ahead and accept invitations and try really hard to go... but if when it comes right down to it the thought of going is more stressful than the thought of staying home, it's ok to cancel and try again next time... as long as you keep trying.
 
Better living through chemistry.
 
I am so glad to see that you are reaching out to not be alone with this most important journey in your life. Educating yourself is wonderful! Also, I have to agree with Katie....You should never ever turn down any invitation right now....but, like she said, if it comes down to it and it becomes to stressful then cancel at the last minute if you have to. Right now you are making your "new normal" routine in your days. That eventually will become comfortable for you. However, any change from that routine is literally "work" and can be very stressful albeit necessary in order to continue with your recovery with the grief process. Your work with the grief, like I said, is very very exhausting. Know your limits and keep to them. Nurture yourself as much as possible, YOU DESERVE IT!
We are all here for you hun.
Hugs, Kari
 
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