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Pandora

Distinguished member
Joined
Apr 30, 2011
Messages
130
Reason
Lost a loved one
Diagnosis
01/2011
Country
US
State
Texas
City
Crowley
I have had the worst week. Things have been very trying. The lack of sleep has been nipping on my heels, the family has been less then helpful (as always), the bills keep rolling in, the laundry mound is bigger then ever, the grass is brown and about knee high, and my hubby is going down hill. He sleeps more now, but it's never a restful sleep, have to move him about every 30 min or so. But the worst thing , I know it may sound so trivial compaired to everything else is..... She showed up.

I guess I should expaline who “She” is. She was a friend of my husbands since high school. They had a very messed up friendship (in my eyes). He had it bad for her, but she never looked at him that way or so she said. But everytime she broke up with someone, she called on him to pick up the pieces. This lasted through college, and even into their adult lives. When ever he had a girlfriend, she would twist and turn things and break them up. She didn't want him, but she didn't want him to have anyone but her.

When my husband and I met, he wanted me to try to be friends with her. I tried, but it didn't work out so well. She would call and ask me to go to coffee or something, and then not show up. I would find out later, she would be at my boyfriends apartment. She then got married and we didn't hear from her for a while. Well when that ended, she yet again called on my husband (boyfriend at the time). I didn't like him picking up her pieces again. We got married a few months after that, and moved out of state. Things were fine. But we had to come back. We had 2 years with out her while we have been back.

Then I found the text messages on his cell phone. She would say the most awful things about me to him. Begging him to divorce me. Saying she would always be there for him, and that he really only needed her. I was livid! I got really mad and gave him the “Get rid of her or I am out the door” and I meant it. So I thought everything was alright. She was even seeing someone at the time.

<flash forward 6 months>

In December when my husband was starting the ALS track, he was in the hospital. Anyone care to guess who was his nurse? YEP HER! I was told I could ask for a new nurse, but I thought if anyone would take care of him and really care, it would be her. So I allowed it. We haven't heard anything from her since. But Saturday, she shows up on my door step. Saying she wanted to see him. I declined, and said he was sleeping. She demanded that I let her see him. I told her I would tell him she stopped by. She told me that “she is no threat to me now, and I owed it to her”. I owe her nothing. She said she wanted to see him and say her goodbyes, and she didn't want the last chance to be at his funeral (not like she would be invited). Well I wonder just who she has been talking to, no one has said anything about him being close to death. She said that I can't keep him from her. That she would take legal action if I didn't let her see him.

I can keep him from her. I owe her nothing. I laugh at her “legal action”. Please don't misunderstand, I don't want to not let him have friends, just her. Not the munipulation, evil influence, that she is. Am I wrong? I want her out of our life. She means nothing to me, and I do not have to make it easy for her to
cause me upset, I have enough issus at the moment. Any ideas on how to make her understand she won't get with in 50 feet of him?


Sorry it sounds so petty, but now the little things get to me.
 
She's a nurse. I would use the hell out of her. Use her for respite! Just saying . . .
 
Wow- that is a very twisted situation. My heart goes out to you. I know what you mean by your last statement about how the little things get to you. As caregivers I feel we need to protect our PALS from whatever might hurt them or bring them down. Before I offer a suggestion on how to handle this friend of his... May I ask how your husband feels about her showing up to say goodbye?

The 1st thought that came to me was to ask her to write a letter to your husband. I think it's fair to limit the visitors esp. if he isn't doing well. As a nurse she should get that ( but she probably won't admit it).
Then I got to thinking that, & only if he is comfy with seeing her, allow her in but you stay in the room with them OR have a neutral adult stay in the room while she is there. Set up ground rules such as the other person in the room needs to be willing to share with you the convo they had ( might spund selfish to some but i know i would yotslly want/ almost need yo know what their last words were). The friend need be made aware that making your hadband upset is not an option As hard as this may sound, your husband may need closure with this woman. I think I would let her see him( supervised) only bc I wouldn't want to have regrets of NOT allowing him to have closure. Not sure I explained myself very well.

Have you & your husband spoken about this friend recently? Might be worth a convo win him. Last thing- don't forget, he choose you to spend the rest of his live together!

Hugs to you!

Good luck to you! Pls keep us posted as to how it all pans out.
 
She sounds like a real handful and frankly a total b!tch! Maybe the path of least resistance right now is to agree to let her see him once if she agrees to leave you guys alone. Is she completely soulless? Do you think she would be receptive to a conversation where you tell her that she and her antics have caused you a great deal of pain over the years and right now you have more than you can handle. Tell her she gets one visit and you'd appreciate her compassion and just leaving you alone now.

As much as I'd love to say tell the b1tch to step off, I don't know if that's going to solve your problem or just encourage her to give you more grief. As you stated she only wanted your husband when she couldn't have him. You have made him unavailable to her which if history holds true will only make her fight harder. Give her access to him and she may lose interest.

I'm sorry you have to deal with crap like this when there's already so much on your plate! If you lived closer I'd come do your laundry for you :) I saw on the news the other day you can rent goats, maybe that could be your lawn solution :)
 
What about getting a restraining order against her. Then have her butt put in jail if she doesn't obey the order. You don't need this kind of trouble.
 
I can't decide if I agree with the "let her come and take care of him" scenario so you can have a break (not that I would trust that situation)... "Oh I'm SO Glad you're here to see MY hubby, you won't mind changing his bedding while I run off and have my nails done, would you?" :)

Or tell her to write a letter to him, and YOU'LL read it to him... She sounds positively evil and since she's probably up to no good, I guess I would let her write a letter and IF you let her in, you'll sit with him.

Guess I would ask him if he even wants to see her under the circumstances... he doesn't need to be told "goodbye" once more by this woman... let the "memories" suffice for him.

If you don't go with these ideas, the restraining order is a great idea as well, she has NO RIGHTS to him whatsoever.

Good luck, and don't worry about the damn laundry (unless you tell her to go and take care of it, you've been picking up the pieces after her long enough!)
 
Go with the restraining order. If she steps foot on your property she is trespassing. Life is stressful enough without the nutballs. Don't take any crap.
 
Does your husband know she stopped by to see him? If so, what does he want to do?

If not, since you are the gatekeeper, it would be wise to let him know. You will be making many decisions for him going forward. He will value your being straight with him on all fronts. My guess is that this lady is way down on his list of priorities.

Be smart.

V
 
Restraining order, letter however you have to do it do not let her thru your door. She does not have your husbands best interests at heart. If she did she wouldn't try to break up his marriage, or abuse his emotions(for years). This is a very conceited, egomaniac, sick woman. In many situations, on many levels we have to protect our PALS. This is one where I think you should stand your ground and tell her to hit the road. She's nuts!
 
Hi
Just wanted to add that most hospitals and other places have rules for contact, and her contact sounds like she is looking for the control of him and will do anything to manipulate it by saying his care etc is not up to par. Letting her in is not a good idea she is crossing the lines of being a friend to him yet making threats where she does not have a leg to stand on, but sounds like she can be a royal pain. Letting her in will not get rid of her and she will use what she see's and hears to her advantage not his our yours.
Keep records of her comments and details of her contact with you, check with a lawyer or your local police dept about trespassing warning to which if she shows up she will be arrested. You do not owe her anything, he married you not her, time for her to move on so that you and he can spend time together. Hang in there...
 
My vote is the restraining order! I agree that you just don't need this now. And, it will be a strong statement that once and for all you don't need this crap! Good Luck. Keep us updated! ;)
 
LOL! I thought I'd experienced a lot in my 5 years of dealing with my husband's ALS, but this has to top it!

DO NOT let this piece of work into your home! I agree with Connie, she is trying to take control. Imagine the cluster that would erupt, if she gave her "professional" opinion that you were not caring for him properly. Sounds like she has already been a master manipulator of your husband since high school. She may be wanting to take financial advantage of the situation!

I also agree, that you should keep records of contact with her. She sounds like a complete lunatic! A Stephen King novel comes to mind!

Be pro-active with this (as if you didn't have enough to worry about!). I've called the cops before on a relative and once was all it took. Not proud of it, but my husband didn't need the stress and neither did I. A lot of law enforcement and fire rescue people are familiar with ALS and don't take kindly to anyone messing with pALS.

You may actually have to get that restraining order, if she is as looney as you describe. Wish I could help! Hope you will let us know how things go!

PS- I hope your husband is not "encouraging" her in some way.
 
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I think it should be up to your husband. His mind is clear and he can make his own decisions. If you explain to him how its making you feel, maybe he would be willing to compromise with you. Even if this woman is a complete whack job- for one reason or another, your husband decided to be friends with her. I think, since he is the one with the terminal illness, that he should be able to say goodbye to his friend, if thats what he wants. If he doesnt, well then... the balls in your court! Maybe you could help him compose a letter to her. Try to look at it as your husbands needs, not this crazy lady's needs/wants. Youre correct, you owe her absolutely nothing. I just think your husband should make the decision.
Best of luck.
 
My husband would not be making this decision if I was the care taker. She is the one that would be taking the crap and she doesn't need the added stress. You never know what she might do or say once she leaves the home.
 
My mother-in-law is a nut job. I adopted the "witness protection program" 20 years ago. We have NO conversation without another person there or on the phone. My sister-in-laws have adopted the same policy, and now there are no misunderstanding or misinterpretations of conversations. You might want to try this a few times before presenting the question to your husband just so he will KNOW you are reading things right.
 
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