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Jason's Dream

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On My Own
I'll write about today then when I have a chance update on some other things going on.

Today we entered the final chapter on this journey.

Today we started interviewing 1 of 2 hospice agencies. I have needed help with Jason's care for quite some time, but have been waiting on equipment to get in before taking that step (as they will not be covered once he is in hospice). Both of his doctors have been wanting to refer him since January. I have known this day was coming and had thought I had prepared myself for this day. I thought, once this day came, I'd feel a sense of relief, that we finally have the help that Jason needs, but thats not what I felt at all. Instead, today hit me like a ton of bricks, with the realization that this is the start of the final chapter of our love story here on this earth. I have walked with my sweetheart through each stage of this journey and we have learned to adapt and keep on going. With this chapter, we have arrived at the final chapter and know that it won't be long now till we are seperated by death. I guess with all this realization, it hit me just as hard as the day we were told of Jason's diagnosis. I have been in the caregiver roll for a while, worrying about taking care of his physical needs, and today was another reminder of the bigger picture of what is going on, and how very short our time together is. Its been a very emotional day. I've been in tears, and its been hard to breath. I feel like I can't do this, and am not ready to say goodbye to my beloved. I texted a friend, whose words were soo encouraging, I'd like to type them here:

"You've served your husband as Christ led you to do, and now it is time for you to let someone else serve his medical needs so that, as you two walk this part of the journey, you can focus on Jason emotionally and spiritually. You have the very rare and precious - and tough - privilege of escorting your husband into the Presence of Jehovah. Only a very strong, dedicated love could do that, and that's the love with which you and Jason were blessed. No one else can walk this part of the journey with him. Only the person who loves him most on earth can hold him in her heart as he is given back to his Creator. How God trusts you!"

I am proud to walk this road with my sweetheart. To hold his hand as he takes his last breath here on earth and to love him with all of my heart. I do not regret one moment I have with him. I won't let go.

This journey isn't easy, but it is soo worth it. I have loved with all of my heart. Have been blessed to have fallen in love with my best friend, my confidant, my shoulder to cry upon, my cheer leader, my lover, my soulmate, my help mate, my husband, and the father of our children. We have been blessed with two children on earth, and when he takes his last breath, I know he will go to heaven and take care of our 2 angels in heaven until we are all reunited again. This is what I try to comfort my weary heart with.

I hope that through this journey, although I am human, and I am weak, that I can do Jason proud and be the strength and the helpmate he needs as he walks this final chapter on earth and starts a new one in heaven.
 
My, what an amazing young lady you are. What love you have for one another. Thank you for sharing those wonderful words of encouragement, that your dear friend sent you.thank you for sharing your love.

Bless you all and may your time together be amazing.

Aly
 
My heart aches for you and your young children. Jason is certainly a lucky guy to have you as his wife and mother of his children.
 
I know exactly how you feel... my beloved went to be with Jesus 6/15/11... I have found your post to be comforting and your friends words very healing to myself as well- please share that with them... You will be in my prayers... I'm not far from you, maybe someday we can meet for coffee
 
Beautifully worded.
 
You are a strong young woman and know you have done all you can to this point...as it was said, now it is time to accept this help and concentrate more on each other. With a friend such as yours who can so eloquently voice those words, you will have wonder support in the time ahead.
 
Wishing your family peace and strength in this final chapter.
 
My heart cries for you. I wish I had the words to share to help you. I am at a loss. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.
 
Becca your post sounds like how I feel, and we have not come that far yet. My heart aches for you...It is so easy to get wrapped up in the caregiving..taking care of everything mode, and then reality sets in.
 
Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family as you face this difficult time. It is heart-breaking, but you should be so proud of the loving care that you have provided your husband. He is a lucky man and you have strength and compassion beyond the limits of most people. Your words make it so obvious that you have shared a very special love. You will make special times in the days that come. Bless you!
Janis
 
My thoughtss and prayers are with you and your beloved husband. To share such a wonder life of love together is a precious gift, cherish it always. Prayers for peace at this time on your journey.
 
I am so sorry you have reached this point, but am very glad you will now have the help you need so you can get back to the role of supportive wife and love without having to have all your energies spent on being the sole caregiver.

My prayers are with you. You folks have endured more than most could handle. Your strength has not gone unnoticed.
 
My prayers go out to now. I pray that God gives you peace. My father was diagnosed in 2009, I moved him and mom in with my family and I in January. Dad is now on a home vent and his health has went down. I know that the last chapter is not far from us and it scares me.
 
I have really been thinking about you in the past days. We have been in our final chapter almost since diagnosis. Who would ever think they would be in this place this early in our lives? You are such an amazing woman and your love for Jason is so wonderful. I definitely understand the overwhelmed feeling when you thought you were ready for the hospice. My experience was similar when Eric almost died three weeks ago. I supposed I knew from the day he was diagnosed he would have to pass on. I just didn't realize until that night that it is almost certain that I will be right next to him when it happens. How do we tell someone who has been such an amazing partner, goodbye? I know you feel as I do that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. You and I are very lucky to have found amazing men that have been our soulmates. Prayers go out to you for strength in these coming days.
 
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, words of encouragement, and sincere friendships. I am soo sorry to hear of the recent losses and the near losses. This isn't an easy road, both for our loved ones, or us as caregivers, but keep reminding myself of how I am blessed.

My friend who sent the above text, she lost her son last year in firey head-on car crash. She never got to say "I Love You", tell him "Good bye", have a chance to truely appreciate his smile, to hug and kiss him one last time.

Knowing her story, I try to see how blessed I am. I am choosing not to be bitter about what life has handed us. I still get to kiss and hug my sweetheart daily, I still get to see his beautiful eyes and smile, and to hear him "laugh". I still get to kiss him good night and tell him I love you. Our children still get to see thier Dadda and he gets a chance to still see them play, have them crawl up on him and nuzzle him. He still gets, (and does via getting him in his chair via the hoyer lift) to take his children to places he desires to take them. To the zoo, to see "Thomas the train", the children's museum, etc. For this, I know we are blessed.

Today we signed on with a hospice agency. My sweetheart is now in hospice. I am soo thankful for the agency we chose and how wonderful they were in walking me through the steps and the paperwork and such. Definately not an easy day, and definately emotional. But its now finally done and for that I am thankful.
 
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