Hi and welcome to the forum.
At the time of my partner’s diagnosis we have been together for about 8 years. We talked about and wanted to have children, and all we were waiting for before trying was my completion of a PhD. Then in Nov 2008 we got the MND ‘news’. This, in many ways, just strengthened our resolve to have a child and speeded up the decision as time became precious. For me, however, MND was not the reason to have nor not to have a child as I wanted one all along with this very man. I have had other long term relationships where I felt differently.
Of course I had concerns...about coping with a small baby and a disabled partner, about my partner’s inability to engage fully with the child due to his condition (and possible associated frustration and sense of loss). I did not, however, think that I would be in some way harming my child, or setting them up for a major trauma because I decided to have them knowing that they will lose their father. I find this quite absurd. Life, for me, has never been a linear journey, instead I find it is full of the unexpected, and any form of meticulous planning never worked. The unforeseen is what makes it exciting! Nobody knows what may happen to them in 1, 5, 10 years time. I may get ill and die before my partner, my child may get ill, we can all die in an accident, or none of this will occur in the near future and my partner will see his son go to school and beyond. And if my partner is to die during my son’s early or formative years, there are in my view, many factors that will impact on how he will cope with his father’s death. I do not follow a school of thought that leads us to believe there are a clear and predictable patterns of grief, or uniform ways of dealing with grief. Additionally, there are many kinds of losses, such as those resulting from present yet ‘absent’ parents, or a loss of carefree childhood due to poverty and war/conflict...All are fundamental and mark our identities.
On a purely practical level, the past year has been a challenge. I work full time, my partner is getting weaker, my son is still small and full of sweet demands...But it has by no means been a catastrophe. Our son has brought a lot of joy to our lives, and taken our focus away from the disease. Finally, at the time we decided to have a child we did not know how fast or slow my partner’s progression would be. Having our son is an enormous privilege for both of us.
Dani
