Melt Downs

[Miss]

My PALS has complete melt downs every few weeks. It usually happens after he has been a complete ass and, instead of apologizing, he starts baiting me. Mind you, it doesn't happen everytime this occurs at all. When it does happen, he is very weak and lethargic for the rest of the day. He lays the guilt trip on, and it works! I feel horrible. I feel like I'm causing his decline. He tells me I'm causing his decline. I can't listen to the brow beating, but I don't want to be the cause of his decline. I know stress is horrible for a PALS. I don't know what to do to get him to calm down. Any suggestions?

 

[abbas child]

Missy, I have to ask... is this something which began when ALS started, or is this meltdown thing/browbeating an old problem? If new, I'd think telling his doctor privately would be helpful, in case your husband needs medication. If old, I have nothing productive to say. It's either mental stress/anger needing meds or a kick in the behind in response to abusing you.

 

[Miss]

My husband was always strong willed, but he never had melt downs. This behavior is new since ALS. I get that the loss of control is unbearable for him. I get that he is terrified. I even get that he is behaving exactly like his mother does with illness - a learned behavior. What I don't get is how to help him. Are there medications out there that will help him?

 

[abbas child]

Yes, Missy, there are. I have read many references to medication for the emotional side of this. I'm hoping someone with experience will share with you. It sounds, for what it's worth, like anxiety along with the anger, which is not at all unusual. For both your sakes, I hope he will receive help. Hugs. XO, Ann

 

[Ladyinn]

Missy, I can tell you from experience, there are drugs that do help and his reaction is "normal". That said, it doesn't make it easy on you.

When my husband was given the diagnosis that the radiation was infiltrating his good brain cells and would eventually kill him, his personality changed. He had been a loving and compassionate man, who never lost his temper and respected me and my abilities. He never in 38 years of marriage raised his voice at me or our son, but always argued his point with logic and respect. When he got the Dx he became angry and upset - down right ugly and mean to me when we were alone and when others were around he sang my praises to them. He had never been critical of others and not self-centered. And now he criticized me constantly and felt he was the only one scared and angry.

One day at a doctor's appointment I mentioned, in front of Ron, the change in personality, and the doc talked to him and suggested we see a psychiatrist for counseling for both of us. (I should insert here,that my husband was a psychologist and should have recognized the need, but didn't.) He agreed to the referral when the doc said it would be good for me. The first appointment and Dr. Reinke suggested a med for my husband to help with his anxiety and Ron agreed to give it a try (for me). It took awhile to get the right dosage but once we found it things were easier for both of us.

My husband lived two years from the DX and we had some good talks and I have good memories erasing the hurt and abuse that was present before the meds.

I've been in your shoes so if I can help by listening - please PM me anytime. Now I am in your PALS shoes and know how cheated he feels and how angry it makes him to have to watch you do what he used to do. My husband said it was humiliating to have me take over his personal care and we talked about it after he was more rational and he understood I did it out of love.

One funny story - one day he broke his glasses by falling on them when we were running late for a doc appointment. I told him we would go by the optomitrist office while in town. He said he had his old pair in the top dresser drawer and I should get it out. Well, I opened the drawer and found every pair of glasses he ever had! I mumbled something about why in the world anyone would keep all the old glasses. His reply "Well, the next time I die I will remember to leave things better organized for you." Wow - the impact that had - he wasn't planning on this at the age of 57 and neither was I!

Hugs and prayers,

Diane in SD

 

[Miss]

Thanks so much Diane. I hate that you went through this, but it does help to know that this is "normal" - whatever that means. I will definitely say something to the doctor at our August clinic appointment. I am having trouble getting my husband to consider counseling, though. I feel like our children (18 and 16) really need it. I cannot imagine what effect this is having on them. I hate having my son see his father be so abusive.

 

[joelc]

A lot of people suffer from what is called Emotional Lability. I take Citalopram and it controls it.

 

[Miss]

We were just at the neurologist's office last week, and discussed Emotional Lability. He doesn't seem to think that my husband suffers from that because it's not "inappropriate" (in public), and it's not uncontrollable. These meltdowns are more like stress outs - complete stress outs. I slipped him an ativan yesterday afternoon to see if that would make a difference in his "mood". None. I'm beginning to think the only thing that will work is to have absolutely no conversation with him. At least then, it couldn't be my fault when he melts down.

 

[brooksea]

Whether the doc thinks it's inappropriate would be subjective on his part. Still, an antidepressant would help either way. My husband takes Lexapro and he has to keep taking it or not only does his EL return, but his anger mounts. When your husband gets angry and then starts laughing, you'll know it's EL! Very strange...

Stop beating your self up over this! My husband has never told me I'm causing his decline, but he has told me several times, I won't be able to take care of him, just because he thinks I'm being unreasonable about the way I care for him. For example , this morning I couldn't reach the top of his head to dry his hair and I simply asked him to sit down. You would of thought I asked him to jump off a bridge! He gets so impatient, but he's always been that way. When he gets really out of hand, I just tell him, "Fine! Find someone else to take care of your a$$!" He shuts up then! LOL Sometimes you have to just nip it! :shock:

You are doing the best you can and have lots of responsibilities, especially with children. So, go easy on yourself.

 

[abbas child]

"Seige", I was hoping you'd see this thread. I figured you'd know how to "nip it"...

Missy, I do hope your husband will get adjusted to the idea of accepting some chemical help. I feel for you, because the men in my family--take that broadly--I mean all of them--would never believe seeing a counselor or taking an antidepressant could be needed for them. So, if a neurologist tells him to take it, I hope he will....

 

[sadiemae]

I am also ready to go the no conversation route. Getting so tired of of this.

 

[Barbie]

My husband's personality has also changed from loving and kind to mean controlling and grumpy...and I am always to blame too. I hate it when people say "well of course he has changed considering what he is going thru" but i know ( and you do too) that this is not him but the disease. I really have withdrawn from him because he is emotionally abusive to me which breaks my heart. in the last 2 months though he has started on anti depressants and me and our kids have started seeing a therapist (he refuses). That has really helped and the old guy I love has come back a little. You definitely need to look into meds for him and therapy for you and your kids. ALS it just an awful thing for a family to go thru!

 

[Miss]

The children and I definitely need therapy. My daughter is heading off to college in a few weeks. I've told her to really consider taking advantage of the services the school has to offer. We've talked about the fact that she cannot carry this into adulthood. I'm going to really stay on the VA until they hook us up with social services. My 16 year old boy endures the most. I know he needs therapy, and there is no question that I do. With each passing week, I see fewer and fewer glimpses of the man I married. I would never have had a second date with this person. I pray there is some medication out there that will help him. I also pray that he will get some therapy, too. I'm strong. I will survive this, and I will take care of him to the best of my ability. I just hope every good memory isn't erased before it is over.

 

[an8toptogo]

wow missy, my wife is all the above for the last yr, i tied leaving the room when she started but that would only last about 30 secs cause of the guilt, the thing that helps me through this "thing" is the thought that of all the home health aides we have had and all the family members , which aint large by any means,who have helped i by far take care of her with the most love and care and devotion and when i come home from wherever and she sees me and her eyes tell me she is so happy to see me i think what will become of her if i give up. her care will never be done to the same magnitude i give her , so i guess i will eat ca ca and smile because the alternative is unbearable

 

[Miss]

He had his 2nd meltdown in front of someone outside of our home - his kid brother. Hopefully, we will be able to get him to get the therapy and the medication he (and we) need.