Status
Not open for further replies.

melalthia

Active member
Joined
Feb 10, 2010
Messages
56
Reason
Loved one DX
Country
US
State
California
City
Boulder Creek
Anyone have any good tips on how to deal with your pals depression if they are refusing any sort of medication? My mom moved into the appartment a few weeks ago and she's sooooo depressed. A move is a transition for anyone.. so its not surprising that she's having a hard time. The appartment we moved her into doesn't get as much light as her little house did.. and she definitely has less space. But everything i go visit her she breaks down how she "can't do this and how she's a freak." But when i suggest counseling or support groups she refuses. She doesn't want anybody to see her like she is. It's so heartbreaking. For the longest time my mom would talk about her dream of traveling.. like going to Europe or her father's homeland Latvia. And when we first started getting her tested the family came together and pooled our resources so she could do it! But now she barely brings it up.. and instead of planning a trip she spends her time planning on how she can spend the little disability money she has on reupholstering her couches. Honestly, i don't care what she spends her money on... but i'm so worried that her depression is going to be the thing that speeds the symptoms along. She has completely isolated herself.

So what should i do? I keep coming up with plans of taking her out/ inviting her to with us to kid events/etc.. but she and i are such different kinds of people. I say the wrong thing and it ends up blowing up. Should i just stop trying? ugh. I feel so helpless.
 
If medication is refused there is no way to deal with the depression as it is a result of ALS and is not under control of the person with ALS.
 
If medication is refused there is no way to deal with the depression as it is a result of ALS and is not under control of the person with ALS.

Hi joel.
Thanks for the response.
So, in your opinion... should i just not try anything? Let her be?
 
I disagree with Joel on this. To me, unless the individual is suffering from something like bipolar disorder depression is simply a state of mind. Don't get me wrong if drugs are needed so be it but personally I simply find depression to be a waste of my time. Everyone deals with things differently and I have no idea how to help you change your mom's state of mind other than to say help her deal with it as you can. Remember this is only my opinion and depression can be dangerous so act accordingly.
 
I suffer from depression, severe depression, and have been in and out of hospitals for 5 years, I've been on various medications and have had 13 ECT's. I am very sorry that your mother is suffering from depression and has made the choice to not take the meds. There is very little you can do other than to be there for her and help her as best you can. She may seem to reject your attempts and she may argue with you...I know it's not easy but it's all you can do. If suggesting outings upsets her, I can only tell you to stop bringing them up. Talk with her and be there for her - she needs that, even if she doesn't realize it. I hope this helps you some. If you need to just talk, please feel free to let me know. Take care and best wishes. Good luck!
 
I think the big question is WHY is she refusing the medication? I think if someone explored that with her and answered her concerns with facts she may make a different decision. I disagree with both Joel and Jeff. There are many causes of depression-some are organic and some are situational and all can be helped with the right medications and emotional support. Having ALS is enough to create depression in anyone. My husband started out on 10 mg of Paxil and is now on 20mg every morning and it keeps him able to cope with all of the changes. Is she being followed by ALS Specialists? Do you have a Social Worker or a Nurse that you can talk to about this issue? I love how we all have such different perceptions.

Isolation. I truly understand that from her perspective and from my own as a CALS. Web is also extremely self conscious and makes every effort to isolate himself and I make every effort to get him out. He is embarrassed by his lack of speech, drooling and coughing. I am not. I tell him that this is just our new normal. It is a vicious circle. The more that she self isolates the worse she will feel. See if she would be willing to volunteer doing something to help someone else. I know that this is soul difficult for both of you. hugs, Kay Marie
 
Mel, I know time is not something we have a lot of, but give it time. My PALS finally decided to talk to someone, and consider meds. He was adamant about NEVER doing this, but reconsidered last week. It has been almost 9 months since his DX. It really has to be up to them, (IMHO) and it is so hard for us PALS to sit back and do nothing, but we really are doing something for them, we are giving them there freedom to make decisions, and we are giving them our love and support. We have to make sure we don't beat ourselves up over our PALS stubborn behavior. Respect is a two way street, give it time. HUGS Lori
 
I disagree with Joel on this. To me, unless the individual is suffering from something like bipolar disorder depression is simply a state of mind. Don't get me wrong if drugs are needed so be it but personally I simply find depression to be a waste of my time. Everyone deals with things differently and I have no idea how to help you change your mom's state of mind other than to say help her deal with it as you can. Remember this is only my opinion and depression can be dangerous so act accordingly.

So Jeff, you have not heard of Emotional Lability? I am glad that you are not affected by this but I can tell you from personal experience it is something a PALS has no control over. It is not a state of mind. Without medication there is no hope.
 
Hi Melalthia,

If I could just throw in my 2 cents.... Some people don't want medication (no matter how much we think they should have it) and there's nothing you can do about that.

You can't tell her not to be sad. But you could try validating some of the complaints she has.... this illness does suck and most people feel just a little bit better when they are agreed with. Don't ever tell her that she shouldn't be upset.

I say, if she wants to reupholster couches, fine! She apparently has wanted to get that done... so okay. Help her finish her projects. People gavitate to activities that make them feel the most comfort .... so follow her lead.

From time to time, mention that you love her. You can say it without a big gushy display that she might not be in the mood for. I would say it often. If you elevate her spirits a little bit, thats progress.

You can't fix her depression or keep her from becoming an introvert, but you can agree with her more, tell her you love her, and let her do (and help her with) whatever projects she wants. That's what I would do anyway.

Best of luck with this, I know it's hard.
 
Hi Mel,

I'm so sorry that you and your mom are going through this. I am a retired nurse who worked in psychiatry for most of my career--with depression being a speciality. I would say that you have had some good advice from the forum and Laurie in particular. Your mom is experiencing grief and depression as she faces the reality of her diagnosis, and then she has the stress of the move. When she tells you that "she can't do this and she's a freak", she wants some acknowledgment from you that you understand how badly she feels and then wants some reassurance that she is not a freak. i.e. I know how difficult this is mom and I'm scared too, but you aren't a freak. Your body is letting you down, but you are the same person inside that you always have been, and
 
(Sorry Mel. My finger slipped in the middle of my sentence so I will carry on.) I love you and will be with you to love you and help you. Upholstering the couch is a fine dream for her to have now. She has changed her priorities due to her circumstances probably knowing that she isn't up to traveling but she can maybe swing getting the couch re-covered. She needs to have some control as she is losing control of her body. With the darkness issues in her apartment, that can exacerbate her depression. Can you buy her a good SAD light (special lights for seasonal affective disorder) and that will help with her mood. You might be able to find a deal on one on Craigslist. As she works through some of her grief, she may entertain the idea of anti-depressant to help her mood. I often was able to sell an anti-depressant to my patients who resisted the concept with telling them it would help their sleep and appetite. But leave that suggestion for a moment when you two are really having a good day together. And Joel is indeed right in saying down the road if emotionally lability surfaces due to the physiological changes with ALS she will need medication to address that. Yes, you do keep including suggestions for outings and family things, but no pressure. Bring the outings to her right now. You are right it is heart breaking, but just be patient with her, love her, hug her when appropriate and encourage her to talk--about anything. You are doing just fine Mel.
Best regards to you and your mom.
Laurel
 
well i have to agree with joel on this issue dealing with als is a difficult illness to grasp.but i also no it can lead to depression .it doesnt nessecarry have to be depression from als but any form which this is coming from adds stress to your life ,which we all know is not good for als .you cant change anybody but just giving up i dont think would be a good way of dealing with it .maybe when she sees her doctor or nuro,you can be there with her and get the support from the doctor to tell your mom the harm of deppression will cause just a suggestion i will pray for yas
 
I don't have a lot of experience with depression but I sure do know what it is like to feel ...... well, maybe not a freak but certainly different. Like Kay Marie's Web, I really have to be work at overcoming the urge to stay home and avoid people because of my speech loss and increasing mobility issues.

I agree with Laurel, why not bring the outings and visitors to her? If it is only people that she is familiar with then she will not be as self conscious and more comfortable.

Good luck and I hope that she gets to be a bit happier. None of this is fun and we all need to be as happy as we can possibly be in the time we have left.

Barry
 
It seems a lot of you are missing the point that Emotional Lability is a symptom of ALS. It is not depression but acts a lot like it. You can refuse to believe this and cause yourself and your PALS a lot of heart ache or believe it and seek treatment.

Emotional Lability

Cognitive Imparement

If I have somehow minterpreted what you are saying I appologize.
 
Let us imagine that this poor lady is depressed or at least v v v unhappy at what is happening to her. Perfectly normal and acceptable. Then there may be the EL on top of that, exaggerating her natural feelings.

But people have already spotted the real causes - the horrible dependence, the inexorable decay of her body and bodily functions, the loss of much that made her human and free.

If she does not want medication, at least respect that, as the more one argues with her considered decisions, the more one is attacking her autonomy.

Could any of us write to her as friends in the same condition if she does not use a computer? Can you not show her these messages, even if you print them out, to make her realise that even as complete strangers we care about her and want to help her? To the extent of arguing amongst ourselves?

She is a mother and has therefore had to be useful to others all her life. To lose that usefulness is unbearable.
Excuse me having to refer to your mother as "she" all the time. Tell her, please, we understand and send her love.
Irismarie
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top