I just need to vent

Status
Not open for further replies.

trying to stay positive

Distinguished member
Joined
Sep 17, 2007
Messages
313
Reason
CALS
Diagnosis
08/2007
Country
US
State
Illinois
City
Chicago area
Most of you know that my husband passed from ALS last September. I just saw that his son posted a happy birthday dad message on FB. WTF? He never called, sent a card or visited the entire time his father had ALS (he lives an hour away) and NOW he is sending happy birthday messages?!?

Today would have been my husbands 55th birthday. It was a hard enough day , and then I saw THAT! ARRGH.

Now I need to calm down, because I am holding a memorial service in my husband's honor in a few days and his son will be there.

Thanks for listening.
 
That is very aggrivating...maybe he is feeling a lot of guilt?:confused:
 
Linda,

The relationship kids have with their parents is so different than the ones we have with our spouses. Parents are rocks, the foundation kids build their lives on, when that relationship is upset they don't know what to do. I'm sure he is missing his dad right now, he may even be feeling guilt about what he didn't do when it was necessary but, no matter how old he might be, he is still his father's child in his mind. Those kids that really step up and take care of their parents (almost always daughters, btw) in this sort of situation are so rare, they should be celebrated. Try not to hold it against your stepson that he didn't though, in time he will understand, and the guilt then will be more than enough of a burden for him. We're all traveling our paths in our own way, what seems cold and unfeeling to some may be excruciating to the one living it. I know whereof I speak, men see things very differently than women, but they feel just as intently. Forgive, and hold your arms open, you might be surprised at what is revealed in time.

Dick
 
This post really hits close to home. Stepchildren...Dick, remember the post that I made about our need to be compassionate and forgiving and you wanted me to send in the Monkey's?! We are now in a role reversal! lol I love your advice and wish that I could practice it with the evil stepsons but...I soul understand Linda's angst with the stepson and would like to send the Monkey's to spank him! It is very difficult to understand how different it is when there are stepchildren involved, or sould I say NOT involved. Linda, I have four adult stepsons that ignore their Daddy and half brother and have made the last 15 years living hell for us with their emotional manipulation of my Husband and disrespect to their 1/2 brother and myself. They practice Mormon shunning of Matthew and I right to our faces. Honestly, I have no idea how they will know when their Daddy passes and I really do not even care. Obviously, Web will not be notifying them and since they pretend that Matthew and I do not breath O2 or exist they will not be speaking to us! I will not be inviting any of them to our Celebration of Life Ceremony-my compassion and forgiveness has whithered in that particular area. Linda, You are a better woman than I am! If you have to deal with him, kill him with kindness and then know that you do not have to have any further contact with him if that is what you choose. hugs to you and have a heart full Memorial service that soothes your soul. Kay Marie
 
Okay, the shunning bit goes over the line. Send in the Monkeys, with my blessing. :)
Seriously though, it is hard. Illness of any sort puts a real strain on family relationships. ALS takes that to an entirely different level. Some family relationships will not survive the strain, others will get stronger, but most will require a concerted effort on at least one persons part to hold it together. In my case, I reached out to both my mother-in-law and my brother-in-law, because that is what Liz would have wanted. I don't think either of them felt like they would be welcome members of the family given their lack of involvement during the hard times. So I decided to take the high road, for Liz and the kids. I do know, now, that I can't count on any help, of any type from that side of the family in the case of future troubles. At least I can sleep at night, I'm not sure how some people manage that.
 
Dick, sending you x & o's! Thank GOD for our forum family of choice that stand by us and love us. :] ALS robs us of soul much and yet, it gives us the gift of authentic connections that we would never have discovered and for that, I am eternally blessed and grateful. hugs, Kay Marie
 
Linda and Kay Marie, I so understand. My adult stepdaughter lives 20 minutes away. Yes, she has a young family, no we have never had any rifts and have always had a tremendous relationship. BUT she has barely come around since her father started getting worse (around last summer). We saw her at Christmas and then not again until the end of March and that was only because I had a birthday dinner for her. Then not again until Easter. I even called her when Mike's diagnosed was upgraded to ALS. That was on Apr 12 and she still has yet to call her Father.

Anyway, Linda, do you have any idea how your husband felt about how his son was responding during his illness? I ask b/c about two weeks ago I told Mike how upset I was with my stepdaughter and he emphatically responded that he is not bothered by this in the least. He accepts his daughter for who she is and that this is just her way of dealing with his situation. Honestly, he is not bothered by this at all. So that allowed me to NOT be upset by the situation. <ok, that only lasted a few days with me....I'm still upset>
 
Linda, I'm sorry to hear you going through this. I truly understand how you feel. I look at it this way. The ones who choose not to come around, visit, help, they have to deal with it in the end. I will never understand their choices, their way of thinking but they have to choose. I praise you for all you did for you husband and how you continue to hold him near to your heart. Like Dick said, when they lay their heads down at night they have to live with their decisions. I know when I shut my eyes and say my prayers and believe me there are many many prayers said each night, I know I have done all I could possibly done for my MIL. I have the anger, frustration and I have made it perfectly clear twice now and nothing has changed. I want you to know I will say an extra prayer for you and your family tonight as I always do. Many blessings to you from Pa. I also wanted to say THANK YOU for what you did for my MIL with your gift. Lots of Love Josie
 
One more thing, just as he made his decisions, you have every right for the way you feel. Nothing to feel guilty about. Josie
 
Family...this is always a touchy issue. We want them to just understand what we need from each other. Sad..when it is just basic humanity. I have incredibly high expectations of my family and often find myself disappointed. A family member told me that they just could not do what I do on a daily basis. I was in a snippy mood..and I said if it was your child..or your husband..you would do it. I have also realized..like Dick..I can only depend on myself at the end of the day. I try to be thankful for the time that they spend with my hubby...but there is still some resentment. I work very hard to keep it where it belongs for now. Sweet Dreams everyone.
 
My brother had some really, really close friends who just never came to see him after he started getting sicker. They just couldn't handle seeing the changes. They felt very bad after he died. Some people just can't handle this kind of stuff.
 
I read somewhere that IF you are afraid of dying, you are also afraid of LIVING. I believe that statement is soul true. Life is transformation for all of us and no one will escape the final transformation. :] I think what we are experiencing is the burning away of the outer layer of social niceness and it exposes the authentic soul of relationships. Those relationships that were not reciprocal or were based on the recipient's self centered needs fall away...when the PAL can no longer GIVE them what they need they abandon the relationship. This only enlarges the space for real and authentic relationships to come into our spiral of life! The irony is that even when family and friends refuse to join us on the journey, they are still on the journey with us without all of the benefits of support, growth and love. There is a connection that transcends and connects us all one to the other. The ripple of one drop of water extends far...

I have no time for guilt, regrets or of trying to make it better for family and friends that are soul afraid of life that they are running the other direction from what they will not out run. This disease is torture is so many ways and yet, it also has gifts. It puts LIFE in your face and hones it to the knife sharp moment of now. Now is a gift. xo
 
God bless you , Linda... this seems to be a universal problem. My husband and his daughter have been estranged for over 17 years. He has gone to counseling to be able to get past that. About 8 months ago he called her and she screamed at him over the phone never to call her again. Now that she's heard he is ill, she's called various friends crying about how she wants her daddy. I think that one of these friends is going to bring her over to our house for a dramatic reunion. But the truth is, all this girl has ever wanted from him is money. We've seen her 3 times in 17 years - and each time she came around because she thought there was something in it for her. So, as I told my husband he can reconcile all he wants - but he's had years of pain from her and I'm not going to pay her for that. Hang in there!
 
Linda.. Totally get it on many levels... Glen was diagnosed in July of 09. In the time since, his older brother has called 1 time. His younger brother has called me a couple of times when their mom passed away, but never asked about how his brother was doing. But they are his brothers and I try to just ignore it. As far as the Facebook messge.. it may have just been a way of acknowledging he was missing his dad. People have to deal in their own way, not ours. Each is personal, that I've learned. If it's really distressing for you, I would hide him for a while on FB and just not deal with him until you need to.
 
alot of good soggestions.to me iy seems this is very common in many households .its really a shame but people get caught up in there own thing really selfish of course but when that special person leaves this earth it opens many eyes of o should ofs .maybe guilt is working on him because this is true reallity hitting him in the face the loss of his dad is finally kicking in but a little late.god has a way of working on the soul of all of us to forgive is hard but it releases a hold on us .we dont need to like how it all went down but to hold anger will only cause you more heart ache,.my prayers go out for you godbless
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top