Old 05-29-2010, 08:37 AM #61 (permalink)
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Default Re: Guilt is visiting

We love you too Melody!

Have a blessed day.
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Old 05-30-2010, 01:28 AM #62 (permalink)
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I had a conversation with my Mother-In-Law last night (she's staying with us over this Memorial Day weekend). Now, I've written quite a bit about my guilt trips and various challenges while caring for Liz. She put it all in perspective for me though when we started talking about hospice, home health care and our private nurse. She said, and I quote, "nobody would have given Liz the care you gave her". She has thanked me, profusely over the last year or so, for doing what I did for her daughter. I've come to realize that if the mother of my wife can accept that my efforts were all that I could give then maybe I really should just give myself a break and believe it.

The fact of the matter is, I couldn't save her. I gave her all the love I had, but love can't defeat ALS, at least not in the physical sense. So now I think I'll check the guilt baggage, accept my human failings and go on from here, hopefully with a lighter heart.
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Old 05-30-2010, 10:18 AM #63 (permalink)
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That's an awesome representation of the love you have for Liz. For your MIL to recognize and express her feelings for you in that way is wonderful. I know how I feel about my daughter and know that having a SIL who cared for her selflessly would humble me as well. What a testament to your love and your life together. Fondly, Mary
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Old 05-30-2010, 11:30 AM #64 (permalink)
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Your Mother-in-Law is a wise woman, Dick. As Mary said, it's wonderful that Liz's mother not only saw your love and selflessness, but gave you the gift of setting you free from any guilt. I really believe that guilt is inevitable both for the patient and also the caregiver. For us as the patient, we have to know how to choose the battles while watching you caregivers fight to help us. There is no "right" choice; the downside is there in every decision. And Dick, I was caregiver to my MIL... and was the person she asked feedback from about what she should do. She was an RN and had total mental ability. We were very close... and it was extremely difficult, complete with the questioning later about whether I'd done the right things. So, Dick--good for you to check that baggage and go forward. Oh... and this is why I have my advance directives done in a "sealed tight" manner... so no one will ever wonder what I want or feel guilty for letting me go. Ditto for DNR.
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Old 05-30-2010, 05:40 PM #65 (permalink)
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I am sooooo glad that you reached this pivotal point. Don't we all secretly wish to be the knight in shining armour that takes all the pain/trouble away? We know that would be a righteous path and (let me get religious just for a moment) that IS what Jesus is for us all. He takes it away or leads us to where it is. We know that is right and we want to get there and take everyone we meet and care for, but WE are not the means. Humbility is hard. So, your love prevailed and hopefully you have let the just rewards come into your heart (around the guilt we set up as guard) and accept that you are TRULY a wonderous heavenly body sent to help Liz on her very difficult journey and that she is eternally tied to you by the love you have and the love she has, and the love you both shared. This is my feeble attempt at what I know is truth. I hope you hear it through the limiting words I have.
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