Family Hurts

[Lady Bear]

I have not posted before, but feel the need to speak to people who "get it". I have read your posts for the past few years and you all have helped me immensely.
My husband was diagnosed in March of 2005 and lived courageously with ALS until December 3, 2009. During that time we moved, I became a part-time worker, and relied heavily on caring family and friends to make Bryan's life full.
The issue is now with his brother and his wife. She is a cold, uncaring person that says mean comments to his mother, me, and our 3 adult children. For example, in reference to her husband needing assistance after surgury: He is a big boy, he only had a minor operation, he isn't dead, he is still walking, talking, and breathing. This was said to me, my children, and my late husband's mother. I found this comment to be exceptionally hurtfull and called her on it.
As a result of this she is telling myself and my mother-in-law that I am not coping with Bryan's death and that it is time for me to move on and get a life! She is a professional grief counsellor and so now she has planted self-doubt. I returned to work one month after his death and have been functioning well ( I feel) up to now.
I feel that grief is the most personal of emotions and it will take me more that 4 months to recover from the loss of a person I was with for 36 years.
I have tried to speak to her about this but she just spews quotes to me.
I do not want a family riff - I am very close to my inlaws and they also are having a hard time dealing with her. I guess I need to know - is 4 months too long to be grieving, and watching our 3 children grieve is hard too. Please, your thoughts are appreciated.

 

[cris]

HELLO lADY bear. I can't tell you how sorry I am that you're going through this. Grieving takes as long as it takes! You(your sister-in-law) can't put a time limit on that. Some people get out of that forest faster than others. No matter how long it takes you, it is the right amount of time. You take as long as you and your children need. If she doesn't like it maybe she should stay away till then. You and the kids need as much comfort and peace as you can get. Not6 the stress of someone telling you how long to or not to grieve!

You worry abput what you and you kids need. Hugs and many prayers for you and thosse children!

 

[CAHPAH]

Lady Bear
I couldn't agree with cris more. Grief is such a personal thing. From what you write it sounds to me like you are doing extremely well. Four months is nothing compaired to the 36 years you had together. The fact that you are back to work and helping your children deal with thier loss are good signs that your are in fact dealing quit well with everything. You hang in there, take it one day at a time and avoid your sister-in-law for awhile. If she is any sort of professional grief counsellor I doubt she would treat any of her clients the way she is treating you. Nothing but good thoughts and lots of prayers going your way.
Jim

 

[pepsiman]

My wife died on November 23, 2009. I'm a long way from done grieving. Things are looking up but I don't expect I'll reach a truly comfortable place for a year or more. If she's a professional grief counselor she should know that. How many spouses has she lost? You don't learn this stuff from a book. Everyone is different. I think grief comes in direct proportion to how much you loved the person. After 36 years and 3 children you obviously loved him a great deal. Expect that wound to take a great deal of time to heal.

 

[KeeKer]

Hi Lady Bear, So sorry to hear of your loss. Take as long as you need to grieve. Either your sister in law has never lost anyone close to her or she is in the anger stage of grief and wants to take it out on everyone else. I don't think she should be a grief counsellor.She obviously doesn't know the first thing about losing someone you love.
Colleen

 

[irismarie]

dear friend, she is not worth getting het up about. Losing someone so loved espaecially after seeing him suffer from ALS musst have helped put things in proportiaon for you and you kniow that yourself. BUt it does not stop it hurting a=especially as 4 months is practically yesterday and you are no way done that initial sharp, terrible grieving. Tell her to ............no maybr not that, but be strong in the knowledge you are behaving perfectly normallt for someone in grief. Strange as my experience of grief councillors is that they tend to make people drag the grief experience out as long as they can - Too LONG, in order to keep on cashing in.
That aside, try not to be alone too much as that is hard wat first. My son died 32 years ago and I STILL cry and I still dream that it was a big lmistake and he is still alive somewhere looking for me.

tELl her that, too right, you are NOT coping with your husband's death and that is the way of the world, the way of love.
The only way I one day learned to let go of my son was when I had a sudden thought that maybe IF there was dsomething going on on the other side, I might be holding him back with the strength of my pull on him, so I let go as much as I could and turned my eyes outwards to the world. I started working voluntarily for the handicapped and there lay the cure. BUt I do not think you need be in any hurry. YOur kids need you . Second thoughts, yes, do tell your sister in law either to let out her own problems to you - can you help her? OR just GO AWAY

Masses of sympathy and love
Irismarie

 

[pepsiman]

irismarie, you are a goddess! I wish you people would stop making me cry though.

 

[Lady Bear]

Thank you all for the support you have shown me. I have contacted my sister in law and her family and asked them not to contact me or mine for the next two weeks. I feel that I need this time to heal from the hurtful comments and to move forward. Thanks again

 

[tdamess]

are you sure she has a license from a real college or did she get one made up at walmarts ...even small surgery can not only hurt it will stop you from moving certain ways to help yourself ... her day will come and i bet she will be the biggest cry baby .... make sure you tell her ...sorry cant help you it was only a small thing ... then walk away and smile .... take all you need to recover from the loss of your husband weather it is time alone or to work your butt off , only you know the way you need to recover ... so smile you are your own person and not a texbook...

 

[Blubear]

Okay from one "bear" to another.....your sister in law has her head up her a**! What is up with people like that, and a grief counselor? Boy for a grief counselor she sure likes to live in denial. You know what they say about counselors going to another counselor? "You're fine, how am I?" That's what she needs to do. Her poor husband too. Just imagine what life is like for him. I lost my husband who was only 42, suddenly in Sept. 07. It took 2 full years to get myself back to normal. 4 months just does not seem possible, if it were, I would like to buy the magic pill that does that! Just try and remember that the issue is with HER and not with you or anyone else she hurts with her words. If she works with grieving people all day, perhaps HER way of coping with all the emotions is to just live in denial about everything and move on. Dont take her words personally hun. Just separate yourself from what she says, don't give her any respect for what she has to say that is cruel or uncaring, it gives her power. You sound like you are doing a great job coping with your loss, and being a good mother too. Don't you ever doubt that!.................Hugs, Blubear

 

[pepsiman]

Four months is not possible. Speaking from that exact four month period, I'm a mess. I don't see me being "normal" for a long time into the future either. Wish I could. I've been doing everything I can to seem normal but it's not happening. Time is the only resolution. Friends help, if they understand (most don't, none of mine do). Personally, I move through life like an automaton, four kids to raise, an extremely stressful job, no real friends nearby. I know people who've been through the same situation, they all echo my experience. It just takes time, the more you love someone and the more involved you've been in their care, the longer it takes to recover.

And to think, I thought the caregiving was hard. This is many times more difficult for me to handle.

Dick

 

[Twinsmom]

Dear Lady Bear,
As everyone has said, please don't let your sister-in-law or anyone else, tell you how long you're "allowed" to grieve. Shame on her! I'm proud of you for telling her to not contact you for a couple of weeks to give you some space. My prayers to you and your children as you continue to learn how to live this new chapter of your lives without your husband.

Prayers for peace, courage and grace,
Melody

 

[brooksea]

Family "concern" never ceases to amaze me! It comes in all forms! LOL

Lady Bear, I think your SIL has mine trumped...maybe!

 

[indigosd]

Lady Bear, Bravo for you for protecting and setting up boundaries for yourself, your children and your in-laws. It would appear that your SIL has her own issues. Grieving is personal and on it's own time line. You will be done when you are done. There is no right way. It is what it is. I am soul grateful to have the incredible SIL that is in my life! Granted, she is physically so far from me [Alaska] but emotionally she is right here with me. She will come to be with us when I need her and that sustains me. Dick, I soul understand what you are saying. We are also very isolated...OMG, the after time worse than the now time? God give me strength to endure it! hugs to you Lady Bear.

 

[pepsiman]

Well I sat down last night with Liz's best friend over a cup of coffee. Guys, I spent 2 1/2 hours spilling out almost everything I've posted on here over the last four months. There were tears, there was laughter, there was understanding. I knew I needed this, but I didn't know who I should talk to. When she offered, I knew she was the right person (she's also a counselor where Liz used to work). It was very cathartic for me, as I knew it would be. I also realized that she (and therefore everyone at Liz's place of employment) had no idea what we went through over the last year.
And yea Kay Marie, at least for me, as hard as caregiving was, grieving has been orders of magnitude harder. I think that's because I'm a man not given to expressing emotions. When Liz passed there were all these bottled up emotions that I didn't know how to get out. I'm learning now how to come to peace with those emotions. I think the first step though was to just spill them all out in a big flood. Now maybe I can actually deal with them.
I do know, I feel a whole lot better today than I did three days ago.

Dick