Old 03-27-2010, 10:27 PM #1 (permalink)
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Default please stop cleaning...I just want to sleep

My sister and I decided to bring mom home from the hospital, as a hospice bed hasn't opened up.

Before she was admitted to the hospital I was her full time care giver with no help and or interest from any one in the family including my sister. I was working part time a part time student as well as the advocate for her care as she could not speak (up until her very recent diagnosis made in the hospital most of her family thought this was all in her head).

She was admitted Friday and I wrote back to back university exams on Monday and Tuesday. So the day after finishing my exams, god forgive me for saying this, no mother to take care of. I wanted to stay in bed for one day....just one dame day and watch movies and lay around peacefully. I could just for the first time in months not worry about my mom.

Not so! I was awoken to my sister stomping about loudly I came up stairs to find out if everything was ok and it turns out.....the bottom of the garbage can was dirty and she needed to run the bath and bleach the entire container. I told her I would really like to sleep and she steped forward with her hands up exasperated and said "me too". I told her to not worry about the bottom of the garbage can.
"Well who is going to clean this filthy house?"
"Ok well thank you I guess sorry. Your just being loud"
I went back to bed....please forgive me I didn't have to listen for a faint cry or wake up because I think I may have heard a noise.
So all nice and cuddled up in bed....then I hear her ask my friend for help moving the fridge and stove to clean behind it.

Now she is is home and there are a thousand different opinions on what should be done and I'm all for input although no one is asking for mine.

I just want to sleep.

As I type my sister is doing laundry at 10 30 pm......ah after that perhaps I shall fall asleep to the consistent hum on the dryer only to be awoken by buzzer to signify the end of the cycle.

Not to worry though my sister shall be fast asleep thanks to my mom's sleeping pills.
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Old 03-27-2010, 11:55 PM #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: please stop cleaning...I just want to sleep

Sorry! Feel your pain with family! Until they live it, they won't know.
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Old 03-28-2010, 12:14 AM #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: please stop cleaning...I just want to sleep

I would have given my right arm, right testicle and left leg for someone to do SOMETHING. All I ever got was "If there's anything I can do, just call". Lots of "what can I do to help" and none of "just sit your ass down and let me take care of this".

Dick
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Old 03-28-2010, 08:52 AM #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: please stop cleaning...I just want to sleep

i know how you feel dick and jc.i am going to give it my best and f****the others who said they would help you.just move on and forget about them.dont waste your time and engery.
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Old 03-28-2010, 10:43 AM #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: please stop cleaning...I just want to sleep

Living it right along with all of you.... Let's just say I am quickly finding out who my "real" friends are - and, sad to say, there are very very few. I get many offers of "if you need someone to talk to" - only to see that uncomfortable look on their faces when I do try to talk with them. I have given up on other people. I don't have the energy to deal with them on top of everything else.
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Old 03-28-2010, 11:35 AM #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: please stop cleaning...I just want to sleep

I hear you receiving help is great....especially because most "what ever you need" is most often bs and really were do you start with that list?

part of the problem is that my sister has labeled me a lazy slob and told me so in front of my mother because the house was a disaster when my sister finally showed up to help out.

As I said originally I was up to my eyeballs before hand so on my first day off in a long time. I did not feel like cleaning and in not cleaning she labled me lazy and "want my mother to die of infections" from the garbage can.

So I am very greatful for the help in cleaning the house....we had more then a few day's to do it and I just wanted one day to my self.

I found that I started to resent the "what ever you need comment" as few people actually mean it. I started by making a list of small things that I would whip out and suggest things like
-come and read to her
-come hold her hand
-come rake the yard
-take my dog for a walk

as we all know the list can just keep going. I found this helped me feel less resentful of 'well wishers'.
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Old 03-28-2010, 12:51 PM #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: please stop cleaning...I just want to sleep

I hear you receiving help is great....especially because most "what ever you need" is most often bs and really were do you start with that list?

part of the problem is that my sister has labeled me a lazy slob and told me so in front of my mother because the house was a disaster when my sister finally showed up to help out.

As I said originally I was up to my eyeballs before hand so on my first day off in a long time. I did not feel like cleaning and in not cleaning she labled me lazy and "want my mother to die of infections" from the garbage can.

So I am very greatful for the help in cleaning the house....we had more then a few day's to do it and I just wanted one day to my self.

I found that I started to resent the "what ever you need comment" as few people actually mean it. I started by making a list of small things that I would whip out and suggest things like
-come and read to her
-come hold her hand
-come rake the yard
-take my dog for a walk

as we all know the list can just keep going. I found this helped me feel less resentful of 'well wishers'.
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Old 03-28-2010, 01:27 PM #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: please stop cleaning...I just want to sleep

Totally hear you guys! The problem is that "just let me know what you need" feels like MORE WORK! By the time I sit down and figure out what you might be willing to do and see if you are indeed willing to do it and giving you the instruction you seem to need.. I might as well just do it myself!

Now.. I have workers that are part of the team that is helping me get the house ready to move Glen downstairs. Yes.. I need to pay them, but .. I ask them to move furniture to the garage: they move the furniture, make sure it's placed so I can still access the laundry, and even clear a path to the side yard. I hire them to clear the alley.. they clear the alley, pull the weeds, and even put the bike and lawn mower away in the shed.

Or my friends who have visited from Boston almost once a month since Glen got sick. They come in with food, start clearing dishes, take Glen to get his hair cut or just out for a good walk.

I see two groups of people: those who say "let me know what I can do" to make themselves feel better, and those who "just do" because the point is helping!
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Old 03-28-2010, 07:18 PM #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: please stop cleaning...I just want to sleep

Wow, I hear you all on this one. I started to make a list too and when people asked that stupid question I would give them something on my list. Then I got things like this....Ok I will come over and do laundry for you. You just have to show me how to use the machine and how you want me to do it all. Yeah..never mind! I stopped giving them things very quickly.

Belladonna, I understand what you mean and feel your pain and I don't mean to be on your sister's side but when I am upset or anxious, I clean...under garbage cans, under fridges, etc. It drives my family crazy but that is my therapy. I don't however do it when people are sleeping. Sounds like you could use some care for a night. Will your sister stay with your Mom one night. Maybe you could go to a hotel with a hot tub and a pool. Now I am giving you my dream. That is what I want to do but haven't got there yet. Anyway....take some breaths. God Bless.
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