Only caregiver for my mom, home support is usless

[belladonna]

I'm a 28 year old girl that really didn't get along with my mom while growing up.

Over the past 2 years we have connected as I would fly home and help dig her out of her shop-aholic tendencies.

Everything changed in the last 6 months. I moved back home from the west cost, went from being a professional to a part time bartender. I have given up my career to look after her.

I choose this because she is sliding down hill so fast that she will not make it to a placement home.

Home care is useless. IF they show up, with out me there to give them directions they leave. This is a full time job and a extreamly hard one. Watching her deteriorate in front of my face is soul crushing but I never let her see that.

My family is useless when it comes to any sort of help so I am on my own in that department. If it wern't for friends I would lose my bananas

The other day after a brief visit from my younger sister, my mom was nasty to her and she left and wrote me and email asking if she would still get half of all my moms stuff.

For what? She is working and contributing to her morgage and not me or my mom. I am going nowhere and I an my mother who is of sound mind is the one that told me that she would like me to have the house.

I feel like I should be more generious but I just don't think that a kid who can call a woman with ALS Lazy for using a walker deserves more then love, prayers and good will

 

[pepsiman]

God bless you belladonna. Especially given that you "really didn't get along with your mom while growing up". Nobody is going to care for your mom the way she needs to be cared for, that's the nature of the disease. Patients don't die fast enough for all of the various "hospice" type organizations. I was the sole caregiver for my wife for months until I hired a private care nurse. Her family lives 400 miles away and was no help at all. My family was blissfully unaware of the situation until the last month or so and even then were of virtually no help at all. From the sounds of it, your mom is well within her rights to have been less than generous to your sister. You should probably push your mother to get a will made out and to outline the proper dispensation of her assets. In actuality, you probably don't really care about the money at all anyway though. No amount of money will bring back your mom after she has gone. Your sister may not see that now but if there's a decent bone in her body, she will, after it's too late.

 

[Blubear]

Ahhh sisters dont cha love em! The money thing thank God isnt a factor with me and my sister. We dont get along either. But she is generous with her money and giving to my parents even though they in no way financially need it. What is all truly boils down to is doing the best for your mom and not who gets what. I know that you have given up a lot in your life to be there to take care of your mom, but in the end you will be able to go back to that life of being a professional. This right now, is temporary. When all is said and done, you will be able to rest and feel good that you did everything possible for your mom. Your sister will not have that luxury, and that will cost her more than money in the long run. You are a great daughter. Hang in there kid!
Hugs, Blu

 

[brooksea]

Welcome to the forum and so sorry about your mom Belladonna.

I'm sending you hugs and a pat on the back for stepping up and taking care of your mom. Obviously she truly appreciates it!

As for your sister, she will reap what she sows...

 

[belladonna]

Thank you all so much.

I don't give a hoot about the money or the house. Nothing will bring my mom back or save me from watching her wilt in front of my eye's.

That said somehow the case coordinator has decided that because I am living with her she needs less home support not more.

She fell last night and it was a 5 hour process to get her up and settled. I could have phoned the ambulance but the though of spending the night in an emergency room hall just seemed worse.

I'm off to get a tattoo "to thine own self be true". You are all so darn right. When I look back what I have given up will be nothing compared to what I have gained by doing this. She was such a hippy wild child with such great stories that I didn't care about hearing while growing up. I cry for my sister because she'll never hear from my mom's lips how she chopped her own wood in a shack in northern BC. Or turned 21 in India.

Doing this has given me the time and space to see that not only do I actually hate what I was doing, I was getting unhealthy in the process. I got caught up in the make money at all costs treed mill.

Life is tragic and beautiful. It's truly a shakespeareian tail

 

[Katie C]

wow Bella... what a journey you've been through. Bless you for undertaking it. I know you are feeling like you don't care about it right now, but if your mom is still competent... make sure her wishes are well documented through an attorney. I know it's not WHY you are caring for your mom, but best watch out for yourself too!

 

[Blubear]

Oh Bella, you have such the right attitude! Life does toss you blessings even amongst the worst of times. The true blessing here, is of course the time you have to reconnect with your mom. You didnt have that before. You try and stay strong girl, and know that we are all here for you too!

 

[belladonna]

Thank you so much.
Just knowing that I can connect with people who get it takes a huge weight off my shoulders

 

[Blubear]

Good! Now sweets, ya need to get some rest yourself, you have had a hell of a long night! Always remember to take care of yourself first before you take care of others.....Hugs again!
Kari

 

[indigosd]

owie...a tattoo! doesn't that hurt? Where is it going to be tattooed? Follow Katie's advice about getting her wishes documented and then TAPE her stories for the children you may have one day :] Those babies will have the twinkle of your Momma and the sparkle of you.
hugs to you brave woman and gentle soul. Kay Marie

 

[Twinsmom]

Welcome to the forum Belladonna!

I was going to make the same suggestion from Kay Marie...If your mom is still able to speak, TAPE her telling you the different stories! It will mean so much to you and your 'future family" one day. AND...to the self absorbed sister who can't get over herself...they will actually be a gift to her one day as well.

AND, take care of business. Get your mom's wishes documented and to an attorney or notary. If she chooses to leave you her home, then it's up to YOU what you want to do. Don't get sucked into the "it's not fair.." BS. Listen to your heart, and like your tattoo."to thine ownself be true!"

Peace,
Melody

You are absolutely taking care of YOUR spirit as well as your mom! This is a ridiculously difficult time, but you have the support of all of us here.
Your courage and grace will serve you well!

 

[melalthia]

Love the usr name, belladona!

I completely feel for you sweetie. Personality clashes are hard enough between a mom and daughter in the easiest circumstances.. but when there is an illness such as this to deal with on top of it? Brings out the best and worst of us. You hang in there. And don't let your family get you down. You have no control or responsibility over their actions. You can only do what's right for you.. and more likely you'll be able to walk away from this experience "emotionally clean" and closer to your mom because of it. It won't be easy.. but what ever is when you really think about it?

Love the tattoo!
-m

 

[jbaiza]

Hello honey, you and I are going through VERY similar things. My mom has ALS since 2005. We are in the ending stages, and it gets harder and harder each day. Luckily I have my dad and my younger sister helping out with my mom. But my youngest sister is living in the city and goes out a lot so when she is supposed to come and help, she "calls off". I also have an older sister that lives in California and she will not move back home because she is in denial of whats going on. I can't imagine how you are doing this on your own. You are such a strong person to do this and should take very good care of yourself. I moved from Southern, IL and quit my job to move home and help with my mom as well. If you ever want to talk just to vent I think we could be very helpful to one another and in keeping our sanity! Good luck and stay strong, Jenny

 

[Blubear]

Hi Jenny, welcome to our forum! You sound like an amazing daughter as well! I hope that you will post here often. You will make loads of friends, be able to vent and ask questions. There is a lot of amazing people here who give support.
Hugs to you!
Blu

 

[pepsiman]

I ran into the same situation with Hospice. Because I was here and we had a private nurse for two half days a week, all we got out of Hospice was an hour a day, twice a week. Well that and the least compassionate nurse I've ever met. She didn't even call after Liz passed to wish us condolences. Liz did love the home health aid but like I said it was only 2 hours a week. The whole situation with Hospice still upsets me. My outlook on life has sure changed also, in the end all we've got is each other. All the money in the world won't mean a thing if there's no love in your life.

Dick