Old 01-01-2010, 12:59 AM #1 (permalink)
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Default Step Mother ready to put the smack down on step kids

I pray to the Lord to help me each and everyday. I have three step children, ages 25, 23, 17. My husband, their father was diagnosed with ALS in October of 2008. Things are getting rather hectic around here. My 18 yr old son who is mentally challenged and myself are my husbands sole caregivers. I am tired, worn out and mentally exhausted with the tasks that have to take place each and every day. I NEED help. Eddie's children do not work. I can understand the 17yr old, he has to go to school. The oldest son who is 25 lives in Wv, we have offered he and his wife a free house on our property to live in, just asking that they pay their share of the utilities, in return they stay and help with taking care of the outside yard work and the up keep on the house, and occassionally stay with his dad while I get some time to myself........So far they are to busy, his wife draws SSI and that is their only income, I just don't understand why they can't help out. Eddie's daughter is going through a divorce and she has a small child, which we haven't seen in approx 6 months, because she can't take the time to even come see her dad. I have 3 children also, two daughters ages 26 , 24 they both live in Columbus Ohio approx 3 hrs from us. They both hold down full time jobs, and go to school, but somehow they find time at least once a month to come down and help us out. I even send Ed's kids gas money to come over and they still don't show up. Can someone please help me to find the words to explain why we need the help without making them mad. It isnt a good situation. Eddie wants them here to help but he gets angry at me when I make the comment that obviously they don't want to be here. Or rather they dont care enough to make the effort to be here. I am a very angry and frustrated caregiver, I am exhausted and weary. HELP
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Old 01-01-2010, 05:22 AM #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Step Mother ready to put the smack down on step kids

well with that i am not so sure i would want them to take care of my loved one
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Old 01-01-2010, 07:44 AM #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Step Mother ready to put the smack down on step kids

shelly2612,
I am also a stepmother with adult stepsons with families who ignore their Daddy-always have for the most part.They live far, far away from us and I am sooo happy! :] Have you ever heard of tough love, codependency and the term dysfunctional families? KICK them OUT of your house! Stop giving them money, stop expecting them to help and TELL EDDIE to get over it! You may find someone to live in the house who will ACTUALLY help you. Yes, you do need help with all that needs to be done but those leeches are just going to suck you dry. TAKE BACK your POWER and stop enabling their horrible behavior. I would tell Eddie that you are so done with it and the way that they are using and abusing you. Your life will be much easier without them and their sorry butts. Can you get Hospice to help with Eddie so you can get a break? Do you have a Faith Family that can help you with him? Have you thought about counselling to help YOU with the stress? YOU have to take care of YOU or you will not be able to take care of Eddie. Sending you power hugs!
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Old 01-01-2010, 09:45 AM #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Step Mother ready to put the smack down on step kids

My thoughts are exactly the same as Kay Marie.

If they cant be bothered , you cant be bothered.

Take care of yourself.

Glen
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Old 01-01-2010, 10:59 AM #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Step Mother ready to put the smack down on step kids

You seem like such a kind soul, not wanting to make everyone upset! Get over it! You will lose your mind trying to keep everyone happy and expecting them to help out when obviously they have no intention of doing so. Put your foot down and like Kay Marie and Glen said, get rid of their a$$es! They are using y'all and seem to be having fun taking advantage of a horrible situation.

It took me a couple of years to get it through my head that relatives are "relative." It doesn't mean they come with a guarantee of love and compassion for their own kin. It only means they were born into the same family. PERIOD!

Tell the freeloaders to hit the road and give yourself some peace of mind. You don't need the worry or frustration.

Please know that we completely understand where you are coming from and support you.
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Old 01-01-2010, 11:19 AM #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Step Mother ready to put the smack down on step kids

I am passionately shouting AMEN to CJ and Kay Marie AND Glen who are encouraging you to cut your losses and kick 'em to the curb. Unless they are cognitively impaired and don't UNDERSTAND the realities of their father's health, or you haven't been extremely candid with what you and your husband want (I'm sometimes guilty of not stating my need and "hoping the get it just by observation and offer") then there's no excuse for such blatant disregard for their dad and the well being/needs of him and his home/family.

It's got to break your husband's heart that his kids are not willingly offering to support you and him, and it's a bitter truth to have to face. I've gotten to where I don't claim it out loud to my husband because he doesn't need me pointing out the obvious. The fact that the support comes from OTHER places...speaks volumes.

I know my MIL had a live-in helper for several years. I bet you could find a young man or couple who would be thrilled to be able to have housing benefits like you are offering your step son with the responsibility of maintaining the property and helping you periodically.

I pray that the right support comes your way soon so you get some relief and relieve some of the burden.
Courage and grace...Courage and grace-
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Old 01-01-2010, 02:45 PM #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Step Mother ready to put the smack down on step kids

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH, UPDATE! I just told them all that they need not come back here looking for a handout, if they want to come visit for a few hours then that is fine, but not to expect me to be their waitress or their keeper any longer. God will provide someone to come into our lives and help us when we need it the most. Oh how I wish you could pick your family. Eddie was ok with what I told them, he called them leeches and said the only time they come is when they want something from him. FINALLY he opened his eyes, I know it hurts him, it hurts me to see him run to the window each time a car pulls in, him thinking it will be one of his kids. We need your prayers, and thanks for all the support Shelly and Eddie
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Old 01-01-2010, 02:56 PM #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Step Mother ready to put the smack down on step kids

YEAH SHELLY! Did you kick the leech out of your house along with his SSDI wife? CLEAN HOUSE and if you need help, I can always send the smoking flying monkey's to Waterloo! We are cheering you on and holding your hands. :] hugs, Kay Marie
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Old 01-01-2010, 03:10 PM #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Step Mother ready to put the smack down on step kids

Good for you Shelly! Sorry you had to do it, but it really needed to be done. I know you must feel like a load has been lifted from your shoulders. I pray you will find someone to help you in this coming year!
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Old 01-01-2010, 04:11 PM #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Step Mother ready to put the smack down on step kids

Dear Shelly,
Sooo proud of you! I know how hard it is to have to confront "family" with their bad behavior! And how nice your husband had the courage to see the truth too! You all will have a less stressful road with out them on it!
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Old 01-02-2010, 09:22 AM #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Step Mother ready to put the smack down on step kids

Dear Shelly, I know it is really shocking when others dont react to a situation the same way you would. It is amazing to me how different people are wired when it comes to supporting a loved one in need. It seems like it should be human nature to be compassionate, but unfortunately its not. I used to "try" and take care of a lady who was home and bed bound in bed 24/7 with MS. ( That only lasted a few weeks as I have my own pain issues and just could not physically take care of her unfortunately) Anyway, she had put an ad in the paper for the help. She too had a separate small home behind her house and an LPN answered her ad and she and her husband now live there and are able to help out by taking regular shifts to help out the lady with MS. They clean, cook and take care of her daily needs in exchange for a free place to live. I know asking strangers to help can be really hard, but you never know what God will send your way! Good luck to you and know that we are all here in case you need to vent or talk.
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Old 01-02-2010, 06:07 PM #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Step Mother ready to put the smack down on step kids

Wow.. Shelly.. good for you girl! It's hard, I know that, but I've found once you start stand up for yourself, and for your PALS!, it gets easier and easier. And don't we all need SOMEthing that gets easier!
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