Old 12-02-2017, 11:12 AM #1 (permalink)
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Default Holiday Jokes

I realized, after posting some silly Santa jokes in the “Great short jokes” thread, that there probably should be a new thread for holiday jokes. This can include raunchy Santa jokes. So here’s the thread. Who would like to start?
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Old 12-02-2017, 01:21 PM #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Holiday Jokes

Here's how I feel about Christmas............
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Old 12-02-2017, 03:55 PM #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Holiday Jokes

Here are some more:

Did you hear about the chess grandmasters awards at the Penninsula Hotel coffee shop?

There were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
——
What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out the window?

“Looks like rain, dear”
——-

How do you know Santa is a guy?

He wears the same clothes every year.
———
Now we get a little raunchier....

Why does Santa go through the chimney?

Because Mrs. Claus told him he’d never get in the back door.
——-
Why doesn’t Santa have any children?

Because he always wraps his package z
——
What do the pope and a Christmas tree have in common?

The balls are just for decoration.
———
Why does Santa land on the roof?

Because he likes it on top.
——
What do the female reindeer do when they want some fun?

They go into town and blow a few bucks.
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Old 12-03-2017, 10:13 AM #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Holiday Jokes

Not really a joke but a $ hitload of FUN!
Xmas parade with biking club “ nuts”
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Old 12-03-2017, 01:33 PM #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Holiday Jokes

This is one I can relate to
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Old 12-03-2017, 01:35 PM #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Holiday Jokes

A couple more.
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Old 12-03-2017, 01:36 PM #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Holiday Jokes

Another one to which I can relate.
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Old 12-03-2017, 01:45 PM #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Holiday Jokes

How to tell if you drank to much at the cristmas party!!!!!!!!!
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Old 12-04-2017, 08:14 PM #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Holiday Jokes

Nome, Alaska
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Old 12-06-2017, 06:35 PM #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Holiday Jokes

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson for Christmas. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes. She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor."Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. " The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?" He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call Is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
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Old 12-06-2017, 08:57 PM #11 (permalink)
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Old 12-07-2017, 02:31 AM #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Holiday Jokes

Now thats the Spirit!! keep,em coming
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Old Today, 02:48 PM #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Holiday Jokes

A wonderful Christmas song told me to Deck The Halls....so I did. Mr. and Mrs Hall were not very happy.
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Old Today, 03:45 PM #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Holiday Jokes

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a
perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of
course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their
perfect car (a perfectly modified, wheelchair adapted Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they
stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to
disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded
Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along
delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple
and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor?
The perfect woman. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Women, end here.
Men, keep going.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must
have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident
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