jokes

Status
Not open for further replies.

vickim

Very helpful member
Joined
Sep 20, 2012
Messages
2,280
Reason
Friend was DX
Diagnosis
03/2012
Country
US
State
MO
City
aaaa
Q. What do you call a rabbit with fleas?

A. Bugs Bunny

Q. What's the best way to catch a unique rabbit?

A. You 'nique up on him.

Q. How do you catch a tame rabbit?

A. Tame way, unique up on it.

Q. How many hairs in a rabbit's tail?

A. None, they're all on the outside.

Q. How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group?

A. Just look for the gray hares.

Q. What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?

A. A receding hareline.

Q. What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear?

A. 14 carrot gold.

What did the Easter Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!

Where does the Easter Bunny get his eggs? From Eggplants.

Did you hear about the lady whose house was infested with Easter eggs? She had to call an eggs-terminator!

Q: Why was the little girl sad after the race?
A: Because an egg beater!
 
that made it to Sandy & Jenny's skype :)
 
This old man was in a hospital room depressed that he hadn’t had many visitors and the nurses noticed this. So, one nurse thought she’d try to brighten him up, she walked in the room and jokingly said out loud, “How would you like some SOOOPOR (super) sex?” The old man thought for a moment and said, “Aw hell… I’ll have the soup.”
 
>Aw hell… I’ll have the soup.


:)
 
It is great to see the jokes tears are back - it made my day ! !
 
Church Bulletin Mistakes
20. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in

19. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

18. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

17. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

16. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

15. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

14. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

13. bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

12. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

11. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

10. The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."

9. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

8. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

7. The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service, we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

6. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his private study.

5. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

4. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

3. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

2. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.

1. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
 
A New Crop of Idiots ...


----- Number One Idiot
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little
daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would
be

no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention
that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Two Idiot
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to
steal a life raft from one of the 747s.
They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a
Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the
Branch and wrote this, �Put all your muny in this bag.�;
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he
began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call
the police before he reached the teller's window.
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo

Bank.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.
She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the
brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his
stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip
and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargodeposit slip
or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said,

�OK� and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
Bank of America .

Don't bother with this guy's sign.. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.
He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that
contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.
He immediately mailed in his $40.

Wise guy ... But you still get a sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Five Idiot
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded
all of the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of
Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the
cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and
said, �Because I don't believe you are over 21.�;
The robber said he was, but the clerk still

refused to give it to him
because she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet
and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21
and she put the Scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address
of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Six
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, �Nobody move!�;
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven
Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.
He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store
window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the
window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious.
It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on

videotape.

Yep, here's your sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Eight

I live in a semi-rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative
office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road...
The reason: �Too many deer are being hit by cars out here ! I don't
think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.�;

Take the sign - Please!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stay Alert! They walk among us ... they Reproduce ... they Vote
and I'm sure that many of them hold elected offices
 
Oh man those are funny. Scary if they are true.
 
Top 12 Ways to
Get Rid of Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they try to get back to the sell, just continue your problems.

3. If they say they're Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, Ask them to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a second." (Few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"

5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy! Is this really you? Oh, my God! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where on earth she could know you from.

6. Say, "No", repeatedly. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood.

9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you.

10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Mantermills." You: "Mantermills! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh, my God!" and then hang up.

12. Say to the Telemarketer, "Sorry, I can't talk right now but if you'd just give me your home phone number I'll call you when I'm not as busy. When they say in a flustered way that they can't give out their home number say, "Oh, I see...you don't want strangers calling you at your home! Now you know how I feel."
 
A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.

He replies, No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An old married couple is in bed one night about to fall asleep when suddenly the husband farts. His wife is disgusted and screams at him, "Don't fart!"

Husband says, "Shut your mouth." A few minutes later he farts again, she screams "Please stop farting!" Again he says, "Just shut your mouth." She is really pissed off and finally she asks him, "How come when I ask you to stop farting, you never listen, you just tell me to shut my mouth?"

"Well" says the husband, "I didn't want to have to tell you, but your breath is what really stinks."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law said. "I am wearing my love dress."

"Love dress? But you're naked!" said the mother-in-law.

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

What are you doing?" he asked.

This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said.
 
>"Needs ironing," he said.

that's terrible ...
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top