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vickim

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Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl, and Jeb were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that lead past the old graveyard.

"Come look over here" says Bubba, "Its Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87".

"Thats nothin" Says Earl, "here"s one named Butch Smith. It says here the he was 95 when he died".

Just then Jeb yells out, " But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asked Bubba.

Jeb lights a match to see what was written on the stone marker and exclaims " Miles, from Georgia".
 
A man who hated is wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day be driving him 20 blocks from home and leaving him in the park.

As he was nearing home he sees the cat walking up the driveway.

The next day he drove the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.

As he was driving back in the driveway, there was the cat. He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, and the cat would always beat him home.

At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"
 
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I have a cousin who lives near Fargo, North Dakota. She sent this to me a while back, thought I'd share.

Application for North Dakotanship

Personal Information:

Name______________son

Sex_____Ole _____Lena

Home address_________________

Cabin address_________________

Religion: _____Lutheran _____Catholic

Income: _____We do OK _____We're Blessed______None o' your beeswax

Qualifications: (check all that apply)

_____I own a gas powered auger.

_____I can name a dozen celebrities who've stayed in Fargo.

_____I've been trick or treating in two feet of snow.

_____My grandmother made me eat lutefisk.

_____I liked it!

_____I've been to a block party.

_____My first beer was an Old Milwaukee.

_____My snowmobile has more miles on it than my car.

_____I have a back up set of jumper cables in my trunk.

_____My second beer was an Old Milwaukee.

_____Despite what everyone says, I Don't Have An Accent! (For sure, you bet I don't!)

True or False:

_____I actually listen to telemarketers.

_____'Have a Nice Day' is an ORDER!

_____TV news anchors are celebrities.

_____Part of my tongue is on a flagpole somewhere.

_____It's not a rubber binder! It's a rubber band.

_____They mistake pop for 'soda' or 'coke' in most other states.

_____Hot Dish is neither a beautiful woman nor an overheated plate.

Multiple Choice:

It's time to wear a hat when;

A) The temperature is below 10 degrees.

B) Your mother tells you to.

C) The temperature is -10 and the wind chill is in double digits.

Essay Questions:

1. What 'uff da' means to me________________

2. What 'oopsy daisy' means to me_______________

You Know You're in North Dakota When:

1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

2. "Vacation' means going to Bismark for the weekend.

3. You measure distance in hours.

4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.

5. You often switch from 'heat' to 'a/c' in the same day.

6. You use a down comforter in the summer.

7. Your grandparents drive 65 miles an hour through 13 feet of snow during a blizzard, without flinching.

8. You see people wearing hunting clothes to social events.

9. You install security lights on your house and garage, and leave both doors unlocked.

10. You think of the major food groups as venison, walleye and brats.

11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.

12. There are seven empty cars with the engines running in the parking lot at the grocery store at any given time.

13. You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snow suit.

14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

15. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel pj's.

16. You know all four seasons, almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.

17. It takes you three hours to go to the store for one item even when you're in a rush because you have to stop to talk to everyone in town.

18. You actually understand these jokes, and tell them to all your friends in North Dakota.
 
An elderly couple were sitting on their back porch enjoying the weather. The man says, 'You know, Betty, I've noticed lately that whenever I get mad at you, you never seem to get upset. How do you manage to control your temper?'

She says, 'Oh Henry, I just go and clean the toilet'. Henry says, 'Well, how does that help?' Betty replies, ' I use your toothbrush!'
 
On a sunny day, two fathers and two sons went fishing. Each one of them caught one fish. When they went home, there were only three fishes, why?

Because a grandfather, a father and a son went fishing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm.
"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and wisest of the four of them, at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"
 
I love those blondes!


A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake, that she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the note.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found you note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'

The blonde said, 'No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again'.

The milkman replied, 'Well, okay then. Do you want it pasteurized?'

The blonde said, 'No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my eyes'.
 
Man: what you have prepared to eat today?
Wife: nothing
Man: but you did nothing yesterday
Wife : I made it for two days.

Wife: what was you doing today?
Man: nothing
Wife: but you did nothing yesterday
Man: Haven't finished yet.
 
Thought of you, Peter57......do you know this girl?


A Drover walks
into a bar with
a pet crocodile by his side.



He puts the
crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the
astonished patrons:

'I'll make you a deal. I'll
open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood
inside. Then the croc
will close his mouth for one minute.



'Then he'll
open his mouth
and I'll remove my unit
unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'



The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the
bar, dropped his trousers,
and placed his
Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's
open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth
as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man
grabbed a beer bottle and
smacked the crocodile really,really hard on the
top of its head.

The croc opened his mouth
and the man removed his
genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered,
and the first of his free
drinks were delivered.

The man
stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay
anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a
hand went up in the back of the bar.


A blonde woman timidly
spoke up..........
'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!
 
A redneck is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women.

"Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?"

"Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way."

"Wow! Thanks!" says the redneck, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies.

So he goes back to the Frenchman. "I'm sorry to bother you again," he says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven't been able to meet a girl."

"Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way."

"Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman.

"Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach-- and still nothing! What more can I do?"

"Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why don't you try moving zee potato to the FRONT of zee sweeming suit?"
 
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?"



CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"



SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"



RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
 
I become confused when I hear the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
United States Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
Federal, State, City, & public 'Service'


This is NOT what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to'Service' a few cows.


BAM!

It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

You are now as enlightened as I.
 
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
 
No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Howe ver, in a recent linguistic conference attended by some of the best linguistists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner. His challege: Explain the difference between COMLETE and FINISHED in way that is easy to understand.

His astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. aND WHEN THE RIGHT ON CATCHES YOU WITH THE WRONG ONE, YOU ARE3 completely finished ! !"
 
Good one Frank, so glad to see you back! ROFL :lol: :lol:
 
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;

likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."



KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"



BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"



IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"



FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"




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