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seaside

Distinguished member
Joined
Jun 21, 2011
Messages
110
Reason
PALS
Diagnosis
04/2011
Country
US
State
MA
City
Hull
Dear Sirs:
I am writing to express my dissatisfaction with your Self-Diagnostic kit. I believe the kit is somewhat incomplete for use by a 32 year old female with swallowing problems such as myself. Upon opening the box I became suspicious due to the number of items still wrapped in Walmart packaging, but I needed answers fast because I have three children, and set out to run your tests.

I called my friend who is a dog groomer and she agreed to help with the testing. On her way over to my house she stopped at Walgreens for the 9 volt batteries and snatched up all the Balcofin tabs which were on sale! When I showed her your kit she blurted out "I don't think that thing is safe!"

We decided to first try the EMG test on the family dog. We put CD#2 into the CD player and Jen, my friend (who speaks Farsi which proved invaluable with the instructions on CD#2), listened for a little while, said "Oh" and began shaving my dog Barney's legs. The Lady Bics were on Walgreens' sale too!

Jen thought the room was a little cool and said we had to warm Barney's legs for a proper test and suggested we fill the bathtub with warm water. Now Barney won't stay in the bathtub unless the kids are shooting off firecrackers and I thought the firecrackers would make it hard to tell if Barney's twitching was real or just a reaction to the loud noises.

So we decided to use a pot of warm water, but Barney is a big dog and we needed two pots. I filled my spaghetti pot and my turkey pan with warm water and set them on the stove. I put Barney's front legs in the pot and his hind legs in the pan. Just then the kids came in the kitchen and started screaming and crying thinking I was going to cook poor Barney!

I assured them the stove was not turned on and Barney was safe. I convinced the kids to get their hair dryers and we would only use those to keep the water warm. Well the kids got tired of holding on to the hair dryers and wandered off after balancing the hair dryers on the edge of the turkey pan.

Jen began sterilizing the needles, I was hooking up the batteries and Barney began peeing.

My husband came home unexpectedly and upon seeing us he began laughing hysterically (we will be testing him soon due to his obvious emotional libelity). This excited the dog and he jumped off the stove knocking the hair dryers into the pan. Well the sparks flew! In the confusion my friend cried out "They're really moving fast now!"

And then the lights went out. In the dark, I stepped on and broke the magnifying glass severing three toes (two on the right foot and one on the left).

I spent thousands of dollars financing this fiasco. Two thousand for your kit, a grand on the electrical repairs and $2250 at the ER. By the way the ER doc sewed on one of my toes upside down so let that be on your conscience too. All of this could have been avoided if you simply include a pair of extremely large galoshes to be filled with water warmed by aquarium heaters to allow soaking the feet until proper warmth is achieved.

I hope you take this suggestion to heart and send me a replacement magnifying glass free of charge so that I may continue testing.

Best Regards,
Shirley I. Jest
 
I just tinkled i'm laughing so hard.
 
Dear Mrs. Jest,

I'm terribly sorry to hear of the traumatic amputation of your three toes and the botched reattachment of one of them. Hopefully, the one that was reattached incorrectly was a middle toe so that the misaligned curl will prove to be of some practical use to you in future angry episodes.

To assure that the problems you've had are promptly resolved, I have opened a Severity 1 problem ticket for you. The magnifying glass will be replaced at no cost to you, of course, and we are accepting your suggestion concerning galoshes and sending you a complete assortment of high quality galoshes in men's, ladies', and children's sizes. also at no cost to you. We are including an extra set of ladies' medium galoshes so that you will have sufficient galoshes to test Barney in an expeditious fashion. PZ is dedicated to providing a satisfactory experience for all of our customers, including our four-legged ones.

The identification number of your problem report is BR-549. As a severity 1 problem, notice of this problem has been forwarded to the CEO of PZ Labs to assure appropriate service is delivered as quickly as possible. I have also taken the liberty of forwarding your contact information to the Level 2 Technical Sales Representative at our Pharmaceutical Manufacturing division so that he can consult with you about PZ Lab's product solutions for your husband's emotional lability.

Our shipping department will be in touch with you when your order is shipped. If there are any further problems with regard to your PZ Labs EMG kit, please do not hesitate to ask.

Thank you for your patronage,

I. M. DeNutt
Senior Customer Support Engineer
Diagnostic Products Division
PZ Laboratories, Inc.
 
Hahahahahahahaha!
 
Rumor has it that PZ Labs Customer Support has a reply for Mrs. Jest, but it landed in moderation where it's being scanned for whatever it is they scan for.
 
MEMORANDUM

To: Ms. Shirley I. Jest
Fm: PZ Laboratories, Inc Legal Dept.

Subj: Your Recent Purchase And Subsequent Experience

We are currently busy drafting our response.

Sincerely,

Earl
 
To: Ms. Shirley I. Jest
Fm: PZ Laboratories, Inc Legal Dept.

Subj: Your Recent Purchase And Subsequent Experience

We are currently busy drafting our response.

Sincerely,

Earl

Please do not reply to this email, as it is being sent from an automated response system on a computer that has not figured out how to reply. If you have questions, please refer to our HELP section or FAQs at PZLABS dot com
 
Dear Shirley I. Jest,

Thank you for your detailed report on the positive experience you had with your test trial of The New and Improved ALA Self Diagnostic Kit from PZ Labs. We here at PZ appreciate all feedback, no matter how irrelevant and mundane so we attempt to ignore it to our hearts content
However, as an expression of our good will and commitment to our #1 customer we are willing to replace the magnifying glass as you requested. FREE.
There will be a small shipping and handling charge. Expect our invoice in the amount of $321.57 by separate letter. Payment can be made by posting exact cash and change directly to our shipping department: Att: Mr. Toe Aly Incompetent.
Please rest assured your experience with our test kit is very important to us and will be fully discussed at our next weekly R & D meeting scheduled for 31/5/2013, starting at 2:00 p.m., ending 2:05 p.m. In order to fully discuss your experience we require a bit more information from you in order to facilitate this process.

Information required from you to proceed:

1. Notarised copy of your birth certificate to verify your age and sex.
2. All original wrapping from Walmart items so that we can assure authenticity.
3. The original certificate of competency from your dog groomer. We suspect that inadequate training may have contributed to the results you experienced with the PZ test kit. Undoubtedly their negative outlook was a contributing factor.
4. Copies (in triplicate) of the sales receipt for the "spaghetti" pots. We feel there might have been a poor choice of equipment size as pots vary greatly. All turkey pans on the market have been toughly tested and have passed our less rigorous testing and that use is not in question in any way.
5. Therefore please provide the original purchase receipt for the turkey pan.
5. Pictures of all children involved in the testing procedure, from birth forward in monthly increments.
6. Marriage certificate and a current police security report on your husband.
7. A electrical inspection report of the home before an after the electrical difficulty you experience. One from your Dog Groomer's Dog house as well (in duplicate).
9. Surgical photos of the Toe re-attachment, Left foot only! We really are trying to make this as easy as possible for you.

Please provide all 10 items exactly as requested!

We would be more than happy to compensate you for your time by deducting .56 from the amount owed for the free magnifying glass replacement. In order to maintain our excellent accounting system we please ask that you please pay the full $331.59 by cash as instructed (below) and after we receive the funds we will return the .57 to you by cashiers check. We realise this will require you to make a trip to the bank to deposit so we will send you an additional check by registered mail, requiring your presence at home for signature, in the amount of $1.00 to cover your time and expenses but only after the original check for .67 has been cashed and verified by our department.

In summary, thank you again for your enquiry about our product. Your New and Improved ALS PZ Home Test kit with all information will be send out to you just as soon as you provide a return address. Thank you for becoming our 100th satisfied customer!

With No Regards what so ever,

Mr. Toe Aly Incompetent


R & D Meeting Scheduling Superior Supervisor
Head of Shipping and Re-Distribution
Chief Problem Solver
Gun and Ammo Storage Supervisor
 
Rumours have been confirmed, moderation is VERY busy. Expect further delays.
 
Oh too funny! My sides ache and I'm crying!

Jen
 
Ah, Shirley, man.. You have apparently totally not read the directions! DUH! I will walk you through the totally proper process. It will be so totally fun! Totally! First, I must point out, you really totally need a goat, not a dog. You should totally warm him on a rotisserie over a grill (must be charcoal with wood chips, totally). Totally keep an eye on the temp. You totally have to chant three times: twitch, twitch, twitch it's a b****, don't wanna get it cuz totally then I'll itch. After that yur totally good to go, man. And, hey! Never go to Walgreens, that's where those little green men are, totally. It's sooooo a cover up. What, are you smokin somethin?

Glad I could help, totally!

Dude, just Dude, totally
Tech Support
Chief Customer Technical Guru
PZ Laboratories, Inc.
 
Last edited:
To the mail room attendant at PZ Labs:

Dear Sir or Madame (as the case may be),

Please distribute the attached documents to the addressed parties. Take extra caution with the foot photograph as our Polaroid One Step Camera is now out of film and additional photos cannot be provided.

Dear Mr. DeNutt,

Bravo! We recieved the new magnifying glass and assorted galoshes. The galoshes are spiffy, much grander than I had imagined. We're thinking of marrying off one of the children so we can wear the galoshes outside the home. It never rains here.

Sadly, Barney refuses to wear them, we think he overheard one of the kids say they were ladies galoshes and he is a rather particular pet. We got him at a rescue shelter and apparently he was a poorly trained dog. One time our neighbor's house was on fire so we pointed Barney at the house and yelled "Go boy Go". He didn't seem interested in rescuing anybody as he made a bee line for the bunny hutch out back. Everybody got a keychain that Christmas.

On the other hand it could be the galoshes green color that is causing Barney to turn up his nose. We never could get him to wear the hat on St. Patrick's Day. Can we paint Barney's galoshes without fear of compromising any test results?

Warm regards,
Shirley I. Jest

Dearest Mr. Incompetent,

Please find attached the documents of your request with the exception of item 4, the spaghetti pot receipt. This pot is a family heirloom which has been handed down through the generations having arrived in this country aboard the Santa Maria in the custody of my uncle Julio (Christopher Columbus' butler, confident and saucier). Given that receipts were not in fashion at that time, none exists, none will be provided and we must rely on today's adage - possession is nine tenths of the law.

Now on to the matter of monies. Yes monies in the plural for this will be a give and take situation. You see, good fortune has befallen me today! A long awaited cheque has arrived as promised by a prince from one of the bloc countries of Eastern Europe. You will note said cheque in the amount of 6 million USD is enclosed and endorsed payable to you. The result is an overpayment on my part of well over 5 million dollars.

Since my family and I will be leaving the country soon we feel our overpayment should be reimbursed to us in gold bullion. Due to the extra postage required when shipping gold we will settle for the equivalent of 5 million USD. Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.

Sincerely,
Shirly I. Jest

Dear Earl,

With a company of your size there's bound to be a bad apple or two. Your Chief Customer Technical Guru seems to focus less on customer concerns and more on "agricultural" concerns. I've taken the liberty of notifying the FBI, the CIA, the BBC, BB King, Doris Day and Matt Busby.

Dig it,
Shirly
 
I'm laughing so hard i tinkled again:)
 
Again........ Lmao!
 
Darling Jest, (since we are on a last name baseless)

We have received your documents by return mail and are examining them in preparation for our next weekly R &D meeting, now tentatively scheduled for 31/5/2014, scheduling conflicts with our moderation department required the date to be moved slightly forward.

There appear to be discrepancy in your documentation and we are requesting clarification prior to this meeting.

1. Your birth was registered in Zambia, well known for it's issuance of legitimate documentation and we therefore accept them at face value. This however poses a bit of a conflict with your recent history concerning your family heirloom spaghetti pot. (to be addressed in #4).
2. Wrapping from the hammer indicates that we had mistakenly send a 1 lb. hammer rather than the 2 bl. hammer. We feel this is a mistake on your part rather than ours and suggest that all further testing be done with a 3 lb. hammer (provided and certified by your dog groomer) to make up for any previous weight discrepancy results from past testing. A formula for 1,2 and 3 lb. hammer conversion use can be obtained from the customer service department at Walmart.
3. Your dog groomer's credentials have passed our ruggedest standards and the groomer is now approved as a qualified PZ self diagnostic Test Kit operator in all locations other than: Pet centres in FL and CA, Alaska Cruise ship toilet facilities and all Neurological convention registration counters below the Mason-Dixon line.
4. As referenced ( #1) we accept your fabrication as to lack of recite for the spaghetti pots used but request that you forward 1/10ths of the pots to our lab for authentication by carbon dating testing. In anticipation an application is enclosed for a job opening here at PZ Labs, Job title: Carbon Date Tester, precious experience as a certified dog groomer is sufficient for immediate acceptance, salary to be determined based on experience in the BIG cat training field.
5. Unfortunately and regrettable we require black and white photographs of your children, not colour as provided. Please have all photos re-reproduced in black and white and forwarded to us.
6. Marriage and Police report are not of the same individual. Please explain!
7. All electric reports are in order and accepted. Please provide a copy of the electricians birth certificate.
8. In perfect order, the only item requested that is accepted without question! Job well done.
9. We requested photo's of the left foot, those received are from the right foot but we have taken the liberty of having them reproduced in mirror image and will accept them as left foot photos as required. For some unexplained reason it appears that you have been mistaken and there are two toes in question. Again: PLEASE EXPLAIN!
10. Request waved at this time as it was a duplicate of previously requested information. We reserve all right to change our minds on this waver at any point before the meeting scheduled for 2014.

Thank you for sending us the exact change as requested. We appreciate your attention to detail. Provision of these funds and our acceptance of them will serve as legal and binding agreement on YOUR part that all transactions with PZ Inc. are completed in accordance with all laws and custom in any country in the world other than the official township of the Back of Beyond and NO REFUND will be sent. Please note the refund department had been close due to lack of qualified workers and funds.

We at PZ Labs have recently been presented with a GOLDEN opportunity entirely funded by an anonymous benefactor who wishes us to expand our product line with a PZ New and Improved Self Diagnostic Health Anxiety Home Test Kit field. We request any input into this endeavour that you, your groomer or dog wish to submit. Suggestions from your children are welcomed as long as they are accompanied by a colour photograph of the individual making the suggestion's grandparent. Each child's suggestion will require it's own unique photograph.


With slightly less Regards than before,

Mr. Incompetent

Ex Chief and Commander of Refund Dept.
R & D Meeting Scheduling Superior Supervisor Re-scheduler through to the year 2015
Head of Shipping and Re-Distribution
Chief Problem Solver (job performance currently under assessment)
Gun and Ammo Storage Supervisor
R & D requests Management consultant

Enclosed please find:
Carbon Dating Test operator application
.57 cents in exact change
 
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