Jokes Thread!

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Some things can be unintentionally funny. This was posted as part of a message in another forum.

Sorry I am typing fast... I have a newborn that I am nursing and my mom is on the other line.

Which led me to think: "Lady, I don't care what you call them, but your mom is too old for breast feeding"
 
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and
asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the
middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my
husband's parents."

"Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with
me
 
A "man" joke, and a groaner at that:

Why does a man feel so continental while standing at a urinal ? ? - - - because European - - - - groan, groan, groan
 
Good one, Frank!
 
From my local newspaper:

Getting Older

1. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. Was learning cursive really necessary?
6. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
6. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
8. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind-of tired.
9. Bad decisions make good stories.
10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
11. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection again.
12. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
13. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
14. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
15. I wish Google Maps had an ‘ Avoid Ghetto ’ routing option
 
What did one fly say to the other?

Your mans open!
 
2, the second 6, 8, 11, 12 and 13 hit entirely too close to home to be all that funny.
 
Terrible one Frank! :)
 
Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?

I didn't get to go to the wedding, but the reception was AWESOME! :)
 
There was a bit of confusion at the grocery this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
:lol:
 
Loved the strip joke! LMAO!
 
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and
sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the
vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean
you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the
room. He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the
vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out
of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"
she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my
word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
 
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