Glen Brittle Jokes Thread!

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brooksea

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Why are Clint Eastwood and Metallica going to hell?

They're The Unforgiven

That's for you, Glen! Love to you, wherever you are!
 
Haha! Good one CJ!
 
"A sax player dies and goes to the pearly gates.St Peter says sorry 'too much partying you have to go to the other place. The elevator doors open and he goes into a huge bar.All the greatest are on stage on a break.He goes over to Charlie Parker and says .Hey this can't be Hell all the best are playing here.Charlie say's hey man 'Karen Carpenter is on drums!"

That might be a little old for y'all, but not me!
 
I like it CJ.
 
Don't make me beg for more! Okay, I'm begging. More. More
 
"Yes brother," says Paddy.
"Well I'm going on a business trip soon and if she gives birth while I'm away, I want you dear brother, to name the kids," says Mick.
"It'll be an honour to do that for you Mick," says Paddy.
A month later Paddy calls Mick.
"Hello Mick, your wife's given birth to a boy and a girl, their beautiful," says Paddy.
"That's wonderful Paddy, what did you call them?" says Mick.
"I called the girl Deniece," says Paddy.
"And what did you call the boy?"
"I called the boy De nephew."
 
Classic Marta. Love that one. Here is a similar one.

A mother gave birth to her child in the hospital. She seemed very happy, and when her friends came in to see her and the baby they were all estatic. Finally, one of her friends said "Ok, What did you name her!?" This mother had been thinking about names for the whole 9 months and couldn't make up her mind. She said, oh well I didn't have to name her. She already came with a name when she was born. Clearly confused, her friends made her explain. She said, oh yes, they brought my baby to me, and on her little i.d. bracelet it stated "Female"...So that will be her name! "Feh...Mal...ee!"
 
A baby camel was talking to the mama camel asking her questions about their life.

The baby camel asked his mama, "Mom, why do we have 3 toes on every foot?" The mother replied, "Well, son it is for our long journeys in the desert to help us get across the sand with ease."

The baby camel then persisted and said, "But mom, why do we have these long eye lashes?" The mother patiently replied, "Son, it is for those windy days in the desert...it keeps the sand out of our eyes."

"Oh yes", says the baby camel, "But mom, why do we have these humps on our back"? The mother a little irritated now stated, "It is for our long journeys acorss the Sahara desert...it stores fat and water for the little resources that are available to us on these long walks."

The baby camel, now seeing his mother was irritated said, "Mom, I just have ONE more question!"

The mother asked sullenly what it was and the baby camel replied.."Then why are we living in the San Diego Zoo?!?"
 
Kel.....****LIKE****LOL

Marta...***LIKE***..LOL
 
LIKE your LIKE Di. haha...this joke made my day a little better...hope it did for you too :)
 
I miss our Like button...It made my day!........:)
 
Just got this one from a friend.

Best Cowboy Pick-up Line

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch? 'What's so special about it?'
The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Damn thing's an hour fast.'
 
The Darwins are out !

Yes ... it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, CA, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for three days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer--$15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan, at 5:00 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family--unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

*** Remember....
They walk among us, they can reproduce,
And They Vote!
 
I miss the like button too. I like the jokes posted above!
 
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