View Full Version : What do I do, need advice
dsiple
03-19-2009, 06:39 PM
Oh boy, I don't even know where to begin, so I will get right to the point. My wife has just recently told me that she needs to get on with her life, and that doesn't involve me, She has cheated on me at least 3 times that I know about and says that she is going to work and she will go meet someone she met on the internet.
The only reason I am still living here is because of my 2 boys. They are the only reason why I get out of bed every morning and keep hoping and praying for a cure. My life is hard enough without having to deal with the stress of all of this. She has no idea how much the stress of this is on me and how it affects me, quite frankly, I don't even think she cares at all what happens to me! She made the comment to someone that if it wasn't for my life insurance policy, she would have left already. She also wants me put in a nursing home too, out of sight, out of mind. I just want to spend as much time with my boys as I can so they have some good memories of me if I don't happen to see a cure in my life time. I am having my power of attorney changed to my mum and my sister next week and having my life insurance set up in a trust fund for my sons also. She has suggested me moving in with my mum and keeping a joint bank account with her , which I would never do, kind of like hiring an alcoholic for a bartender.
I am sorry that I haven't been around much but I have had my hands full trying to save what is left of my marriage.
joelc
03-19-2009, 06:59 PM
Duane, I am very sorry to hear what you are having to deal with! Make sure you have protected yourself and your 2 boys from this heartless person as much as you can!
I would encourage you to make arrangements ASAP to end this relationship and get on with your life.
My thoughts and prayers are with you!
trying to stay positive
03-19-2009, 07:41 PM
Duane,
I too am so sorry about your situation. I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are, but I want you to know that you will most certainly be in my prayers. I think you are doing the smart thing as far as your POA and life ins. goes. My advice would be to get with a good lawyer ASAP to insure that you will be able to keep your sons in your life as much as possible. Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself and your boys both emotionally and financially. Are you seeing a therapist to help you deal with this, or considered antidepressants?
I wanted to cry when I read your post. You are right............ALS is hard enough without crap like this. We are here for you.
Linda
brooksea
03-19-2009, 08:20 PM
Duane,
It sickens my heart that you are having to go through this! Please continue to be proactive in protecting yourself and your boys!
Your ALS Clinic social worker may be able to refer you to an attorney that can help you pro bono or at least give you some advice on how to prepare and protect yourself .
I echo Joel's advice to end this as soon as possible. From what you have said, it seems it is indeed over for her.
I wish I could offer more advice. All I can say is, don't let her walk all over you!
hopingforcure
03-19-2009, 09:07 PM
Gosh, how can someone be so heartless to you.. Oh gosh some people. You have been a member and friend on this forum for a long time. Listen to my friends posts, they have great advice. Please keep us informed, and let us get you as much support as you need... Get your affairs changed ASAP...
SteveS
03-19-2009, 09:11 PM
Wow. My heart goes out to you for sure. I would follow the above advice and get a lawyer ASAP. I would enlist the help of family and friends and pursue custody of your boys. This woman does not have the moral fiber to be raising your children and you don't want them to grow up thinking that her behavior is right in any way shape or forum. Once you get POA and your life insurance changed then she will have no reason to stay. I am not up on divorce law and especially US where every state is different but I would think that with her infidelity she would be forced to walk away and you will retain residence and custody (as long as you have the support in place). Your boys would be better off with you. They will be your legacy and need to know that people don't behave like that. Good luck to you and stay strong.
hopingforcure
03-19-2009, 09:15 PM
Another bit of advice Sharonca is married to a lawyer I believe, maybe she will pop in with more info.. She is always really a great help.
Zaphoon
03-19-2009, 11:22 PM
I know one thing, this kind of lingering turmoil can overstress the body, mind and spirit and exacerbate any illness. ALS is one disease that doesn't need any encouragement.
I would suggest finding a way to get out from under the stress of this as soon as possible. I don't know what kind of heart-to-heart dialogue you can still have with your wife but I would try to get things resolved (one way or another) as soon as possible.
You might try a neutral 3rd party counselor; someone that isn't familiar with you or your wife. I hope the best for you!
Zaphoon
sharonca
03-19-2009, 11:25 PM
Thanks for the compliment! My husband is an attorney but not divorce attorney.
The problem is that if you stay married she gets everything upon death. If you divorce you usually get half of the marital assets and can retain your life insurance for your kids.
I think you have made wise choices to change your POA and life insurance - although in Calif where I am the life insurance is marital property and cannot be less than 1/2 to the spouse unless they sign off on it.
Why are some spouses such heartless creeps? How do they sleep at night?
Please do whatever it takes to reduce the stress. It is really a big deal for us, causing progression for me.
Just know that you have friends here praying for you.
Sharonca
it really sickened me to read your post,i got a sense of de-ja-vu (from my experiences with delb)
please please do not let this women stress you out and cause any decline with als.
there have been plenty of good advice and support,please let us know if you need to talk about anything.
better out than in,so they say.
its good to hear you have already taken steps to protect your intrests,sadly del waited till it was too late to do anything,please dont let this happen to you.
you are very much in my thoughts and prayers.
Markbreton
03-20-2009, 08:38 AM
Hi,
I'm sorry but your story bothers me, a lot and I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. As difficult as it is being a caregiver to my wife I have never thought of leaving and on the contrary, I'm closer to her now then ever before. Please, please, please protect yourself and your son!
Take care,
Mark
crystalkk
03-20-2009, 10:55 AM
Daune,
I am so sorry for what your wife is putting you through it really broke my heart reading it..... I guess the vows of sickness and health when you get married mean nothing to her...It sounds like you have your head together with the legal stuff concerning the POA and Life Ins. Please try and contact an attorney so you can find out the laws in PA reguarding the whole situation..... Just remember one thing what goes around comes around and she will have her day!!!!!!!!!
JamesMcC
03-20-2009, 11:06 AM
Duane,
it breaks my heart to hear this.Look after yourself and kids and get her away from you.You are in my prayers.
James
Like everyone else has expressed, this is so wrong! I am truly sorry.
I know it must have been hard for you at times, to read posts by others on the forum that either have, or are, a loving and supportive CALS. Unfortunately I suspect there are more out there in your situation than one would think. Just as ALS doesn't seem to be selective in who it tries to make a victim of, it also gives equal opportunity to the types of relationships it invades.
I hope you take to heart the common thread of advise given to you so far, and get away from her! Protect yourself and your two precious sons. In addition to the legal steps, I'd urge you to seek some sort of counseling, it will help you come to terms with the latest challenge thrown at you, and help you to better deal with your sons concerning it.
You don't need the stress, its bad for ALS as you know, so let it go, take needed measures to be in control, and know that you've got lots of friends here to back you up 100%!
SMillheiser
03-20-2009, 02:01 PM
Duane,
Do you have the resources, energy, and physical ability to handle this? I'm here to help.
Just email or call me. Sadly, this is more frequent than anyone can imagine. I am determined not to let PALS be victimized by those who should be most empathetic.
Don't wait.
Stu ALSGuardianAngels.com
949-488-9894 or 949-233-3045
Felicia38
03-20-2009, 03:54 PM
It amazes me that anybody could be that heartless! I am so sorry and everyone here is right, protect your sons and yourself. Good luck.
thelma313
03-20-2009, 04:50 PM
Duane, at the risk of sounding very repetitive I just want to say that I agree with the advice given to you here and I think you should get out of this relationship. You do not deserve this at all! It's unfair and very wrong. Please take everyone up on their offers of support. You are not alone.
Marjorie R. Wilcox
03-20-2009, 10:29 PM
I felt the heartbreak as I read about Duane. I was immediately reminded of Del.
Fellow forum members, help me advise this man not to let his wife become like Del's wife.
He has so much to deal with, including the two boys!
Duane, be strong and decisive and hurry to get to a lawyer before she takes custody. It's usually the person who files first that gets it.... and be sure to get your finances in order.
We really care here and look forward to hearing all you wish to tell us. God bless!
hopeful warrior
03-20-2009, 10:43 PM
Duane,
I am so very sorry. Recently I heard a wise man say, "When some one tells you goodbye, let them." After pondering on that awhile, I realized he was so right. Your life is so precious, although really difficult right now. Thankfully, your mom and sister will be there for you
and your boys will love you forever.
Take care of your business, your boys, and yourself. You are loved.
dsiple
03-21-2009, 12:53 PM
I just did the hardest thing that I have ever had to do and it broke my heart. I explained to my boys what was going to happen with me and their mum. My 6 year old, laid in bed with me on my chest and we cried together and hugged for almost an hour. It felt like someone ripped my heart right out of my chest.:cry::cry::cry:
I have an appointment with an attorney on Monday.
hopingforcure
03-21-2009, 01:45 PM
Oh Gosh I am so so sorry.. Well maybe things get better from here. We all just want you out of this lousy situation. I am sending you a big hug, for you and your son. All of us care and will be here to listen.
brooksea
03-21-2009, 01:54 PM
Duane,
Keep up your courage! You are doing the right thing! I wish you luck and a brighter future!
thelma313
03-21-2009, 03:25 PM
Duane, that was very brave of you. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this but it sounds like your love for your boys will get them through this. You are obviously a great Dad!
You got through what will be one of the biggest, if not biggest hurdle. You did it! Keep up your courage and don't be reluctant to ask for help. best wishes always.
crystalkk
03-22-2009, 12:41 PM
Duane,
We are here for you and your sons.......Good luck with the lawyer on Monday.
You will get through this, as hard as it is.
rocmg
03-22-2009, 01:27 PM
I just did the hardest thing that I have ever had to do and it broke my heart. I explained to my boys what was going to happen with me and their mum. My 6 year old, laid in bed with me on my chest and we cried together and hugged for almost an hour. It felt like someone ripped my heart right out of my chest.:cry::cry::cry:
I have an appointment with an attorney on Monday.
Duane, I'm very sorry your wife has been so callous to you. One thing I can say with certainty is your boys will not always be children. They will not always be so bewildered and confused by what is going on. In time, they will realize what is happening to you and how their mother treated you. That little boy will probably remember that hour with you in bed for the rest of his life. All too often people underestimate children's bereavement, but I guarantee they feel things every little bit as much as adults do.
