An update

[LizT]

Hi All
I want to again, thank you all for the support I have been receiving since Ray passed away. Though I havent responded much, please know it is just because I am lost. I truly appreciate the time you all have given to send me so many messages and all the prayers. I hope you all understand why I have been quiet.

Im going to be honest with you all- Im not ok and im not sure if I will be. Given the circumstances of his death, Im not sure I can ever heal from this. I have dealt with a LOT of death, but this one is different. My body and soul literally aches for Ray. Just to hold him. To give him a million kisses. To lay in bed with him and talk and listen to our songs and plan our future. I miss batheing him, dressing him, suctioning him... I even miss helping him have a BM. I miss him peeing on me. I miss picking his nose.
I saw horrendous things throughout the process of his death... things that will never leave my mind. Looking into the eyes of your soulmate and seeing death is something I would never wish on anyone, and I hate alot of people...
I want to see that sparkle again. I want to see his face light up when I walk into the room again. I dont know how to go on without him, and to tell the truth- I dont want to.

I made promises to Ray that I wasnt allowed to keep. Im in agony over that. I promised he would not die the way he did. I promised him I would hold him when he died. Im promised him he would not be alone. I promised him that he would have the service he wanted. I wasnt able to follow through with any of those promises. Im afraid I have let him down.

I want you all to know that many of you have been better to me than my "real life" friends and family. And I know I wouldnt have made it this far without you all. Just know that I am still around- lurking mostly. I just dont have much to say for once in my life.

[st123]

So sorry for everything that has happened, Liz. Wish there was something to do or say, but just know I'm praying for you.

[HelenL]

Dearest Liz, know that your in our hearts... just as Ray is forever etched in yours. You both were cheated of a lot of things, but time most of all. Praying for you both honey, hold on tight to that girl of yours to help you through all this. Love you lots,
Helen

[joni51]

You did not! let Ray down. This was out of your control. Hold on to the fact that he did love you so much, and you were so good to him..he wqs very lucky Liz. We All love you!!

[laurel]

Liz I believe very strongly that Ray knows that things were out of your hands, and that in no way did you let him down. I would say by reading your words that you alone gave him the touch, the warmth, the humanity, the love, the normal things that he had not had for years before you entered him life. He was your man, you treated him like that, and he knew that. You gave him so much Liz. Lots of love to you
Laurel

[Ms. Pie]

Liz, I wish there was something I could do or say to make things right. All I can do is keep you in my prayers. I pray for your peace of mind and heart.

[Barbie]

Oh Liz, my heart aches for you. you did not let Ray down--there is no way he would think that either and would not want you to think that. Stay strong dear Liz...

[momap53]

Liz, I'm so sorry you are hurting, but please don't beat yourself up over things that you had no control over. You were there for Ray when it really counted. You made such a difference in his life. Please try to be good to yourself.

[Sequoia]

Liz, y heart is broken for you....please please do not beat yourself up for the promises...things are not in your control....I pray that you will get thru this dark valley...just know you are dearly loved! and that we need you...i total understand that you cannot say much right now..

I HATE IT THAT THE LIKE BUTTON WAS REMOVED: because then you could make your presence known without words

i LOVE YOU LIZ! GENTLE ((HUG))

[susanf]

Liz,
You did not let him down. Some things happen and we have no control.
We love you Liz. We are here for you.

[vzandt]

Liz you gave him the best promise of all. You loved him. That is the most precious thing a person can offer.

[kiwisally]

Liz you did your very best, you loved him and gave everything in life, that was the important bit dear, what happened was beyond your control and I feel sure Ray would be the first to understand that. I hope you are able to understand that soon too.

[jb63]

Liz, you made his life worth living. Some things are beyond our control. How very wonderful that he had you.
Janet

[cervus]

Liz. He knew you didn't have a choice and that had it all been up to you, you would have followed through on your promises. He knew that and hopefully you will know and feel that too. I hope at least for that part you can find some peace in your heart. Yasmin.

[tmasters]

Liz,

I saw a couple of your posts recently where you referred to Ray in the past tense and it made my heart sink. Then I searched for and found this thread. I am in shock. I am so sorry for what you're feeling now.

As others have said, what was out of your control I'm sure Ray has forgiven you for. The promises you made gave him strength and comfort at the time you made them, and for a long time thereafter. Do not despair.

God bless,
-Tom

[BrianD]

Liz,

I echo others that you did not let him down! I still maintain that you were absolutely perfect for him. Taking care of him with such care and love.

[cubcake]

Please don't place blame where there is none. I don't know the circumstances, but from the posts I've read, you did everything you could for this dear man, and it was very much appreciated. I hope in time you'll be able to be proud of what you were able to give and see what an extraordinary impact you made on his life. Peace.

[notme]

Liz,

You loved him. He knew it.

You said the ALS didn't kill him--so I'm assuming some horrid accident.

Legally, you couldn't make decisions for his final arrangements--which is sad--but HE would understand that, don't you think?

Take comfort in knowing that RAY knew he was loved--not because he was a son, or father or grandfather--but because you loved him for this MIND. Not because of some blood relation. That means something. Caring for him all this time means something.

You're the same age as my daughter--I'd tell her the same thing. Work through your grief--but talk to those that you are close to here that can understand if your own family won't listen.

Holding things inside is one of the worst thing one can do when grieving. It really, really is.

[Toto's Dorothy]

Liz,

I'm so sorry that your true love has gone. In time, you will share the dark spot in your heart (You know of what I speak). And we will be here to help you through it. And as others have said, it doesn't matter of the things that you could not fulfill because of extenuating circumstances, what matters is the difference of life you gave him the last 5 years of his. Remember his smile or the twinkle in his eyes, that is all because of YOU. That to me shows the type of loving, caring person that you are. Someone may have taken him from you, but they can never take his love for you.

If you ever need to talk, I will be glad to pm you my number. And remember, we are always with you.

Much Love to You,

[Toto's Dorothy]

Posted on the wrong thread.